Jenna is the dumb one right? (warning: very whiny post)

Jenna Bush got married, which reminded me that Jenna Bush exists, and also reminded me of my college roommate. Because they look a little bit alike. Also, because I think they act a little bit alike. With the bein' rich and drinkin' a bit too much and so on.
Anyway I'm not a big fan of my college roommate lately to be perfectly honest. She always believed herself to be a few notches better than me in most ways. Like, she was smarter and more stylish and not crippled with naivete. Once she said something super mean that I wasn't supposed to hear but I totally did*. Alas, I continued to give her the benefit of the doubt, though she treated me like a young country cousin with no connections. Which perhaps I was. Anyway the last thing she did to irritate me was after I went out of my way to bring her my kid's baby clothes for her twin sons. She sent me an email afterwards in which she got my kid's name completely wrong. Irritation! Then she never called me again. Call me really shallow and petty but I am ticked off. I feel like she may have wanted to tick me off, so she wouldn't have to deal with someone so low-class as myself, ever again. Well, she gets her wish I guess. I just wish I could steal back those baby clothes.

*I can't believe you read this far! you must be bored. Anyway she just said to OD one time "But you can do so much better!" (than me). Bitch, right?

everyone has a price

how much pay cut would you accept in order to work somewhere where people are smart and funny, where you work at home 50% of the time, versus a place where people are average-smart and a little bit scary, where you get steep travel discounts?

further, both have a certain amount of free food, and both dish out the undeserved praise with a free hand.

not that I have any job offers. I'm just thinkin'.

seriously though I love being praised. I am Lisa Simpson!

yeah, my kid is funny but

this kid will be the funniest person in the universe

very, very self-indulgent post

Conversation:

Me: no.
Babe: NO!
Me: Yes!
Babe: YES!
Me: Copycat.
Babe: KIIIIIIIITTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!!!

Phrases spoken in my home for which this post might become the only google result:

Mustache is sleeping.*
The cat is not a drum.**


*In the night he gets up and demands "mustache" (grandad) who, if not sleeping, is at least 200 miles away.
**self explanatory

Excuse me, friend, do you like to laugh?

I listen to podcasts while I clean up and fold laundry. Without podcasts, there would be [more] raisins stuck to the floor. So I am very much hoping that Croncast continues after their 500th show. They say that if their audience doubles they will continue 2x a week. If you like to laugh, subscribe to their podcast. Maybe try listening to their Vacation show. That Betsy is very funny. And maybe you will get a little housework done.

I'm calling this one

When 'inconsistencies' are discovered in this book, I get five points.

whoops

Subconsciously I must not want the job I am interviewing for this evening, because I totally forgot about it this morning and left the house dressed all casual Friday. I don't think I have any time at lunch to get different shoes or some kind of sweater that might distract from the cargo pants and tshirt and sneakers look. Embarrassing. I hope they don't think I'm just rude. I'm just forgetful. Alas. But I think the salary was BS anyway.

I got it!

Charlton Heston's gun, that is.






(poor taste? what's that?)

I pronounce it "nasta!"

The NSTA conference exploded all over our house. As you can see. I asked OD to go by the Molt HicSnoodle* booth and tell them to fuck off, you fucking fuckers but she was like "ummmmm...no." Wuss.



*Clever pseudonym

They hired me to type these numbers and hit "enter" all day

I went to a temp job and it was weird. While I was there someone slipped this note over the cube wall. Do you think I should worry?

puunaikutti

It's been about a year since our old-time kitty died, and we said hey! we have a toddler, and one of us is unemployed! Let's saddle ourselves with another high-maintenance mouth to feed! Long story short, new cat! She was this stray who landed herself in the pound, see, and they happened to give her the same name as our old cat, so how could we let her moulder in the pound? You see my point. It's not really her name because she doesn't respond to it plus it would be confusing to us. We haven't thought of a real name yet but one member of the household just calls her "Wow!" He's a fan.

It's like Video Cringe

Have you had opportunity yet today to mock anyone? If not, you are in luck. I present to you an extract from a video created nearly nine years ago, when I was young and frustrated with the job hunt. Although I am older now, and have more job interviews behind me, I still feel exactly like this on most days. Plus ca change etc.

About the hair: I know, okay? I think someone cut it drunk.

Available to Hire: Half a Brain

Dear Random House Australia, Penguin House USA, and/or Sarah Crichton Books:
I am hereby offering my services as a doubter, skeptic, and all-round Mary Mary Quite Contrary to you for a reasonable salary and benefits package. I do not actually check facts--I don't have that kind of time or patience--but I am severely non-gullible. So what can I do for you? Basically here is how we'll work. If any of your editors uses any of the following adjectives about a manuscript:

amazing
heartbreaking
wrenching
astonishing
far-fetched
novelistic

You send me the MS. I read it and say "I'm not buying it." You are thus spared the embarassment of an expose, the expense of returns, and the ecological harm of pulping all those bound books.

Mt. Ivy Press, keep walking. You are too dumb even for me. Wolves?? I ask you.

Worst Party Ever: You Vote

Two Parties, both amazingly terrible, but so different. One where I was insanely uncool (or was i?) and the other where everyone else was insanely uncool (or were they?). Your choice!

Party One!

I am 13 years old. I have never been invited to a party that wasn't a birthday party. I have never thrown a party that wasn't a birthday party. I am Not Cool. I am Not Popular. Middle School is Kicking My Ass. And now, I am invited to Cara's party at her house. Possibly at the demand of her mother, who believes we are great friends, which we decidedly are not. Cara has made this a theme party. The theme is "The Sixties!" which is a popular theme, although obviously none of us has ever been near the actual sixties.
You may know that there are two types of "Sixties!" aesthetic. One is more or less accurate. It's what someone who had been there, might remember, and might dig from her closet for such a party. The other type is what young children imagine to be "Sixties!". Basically you dress and talk like Janice, the Muppet. Cara's party was clearly intended to be this latter, fun-time "Sixties!" One was not expected to show up as Lyndon Johnson, for instance. There is nothing fun about Lyndon Johnson for 13 year olds.
Alas, my parents were in high school in the actual sixties. So, when I asked for a costume, my mother pulled out something completely authentic but also completely wrong. It was really just jeans, an ugly shirt, and these tall lace-up leather boots. Unfortunately for me, the only thing about this that would have seemed like "Sixties!" to 13-year-olds was the boots...vaguely.
So I show up at this party...I can't remember if I am excited or nervous. At the door, Cara informs me that her mom doesn't allow shoes in the house. I have to take off the boots and now I am dressed 100% wrong. Perfect!
Everyone else has a perfect cartoon-sixties costume. Everyone else has friends. I spend the evening eating potato chips in the corner. At the end of the night Cara tells me she needs my help to clean up. Stupidly, I do.

Party Two!

I was not invited to Party Two directly. I am a date of the invited guest, OD. It is a birthday party for someone from her guitar classes. His name is Steve. Steve lives in an old house, where he rents a room from the owner, a really weird guy about 65 years old. To me it's weird for a 65 year old guy to have roommates in their twenties. Anyway we show up thinking it's kind of a party for grownups. We bring wine. The living room furniture has all been pushed to the edges of the room and covered in plastic sheeting, like the party is going to involve dancing, or possibly vomiting. All the food and drink has been confined to the kitchen, several rooms away in the back of the house. So picture a party with no place to sit, no snacks to mingle around, and no drinks allowed in the living room. ROCKING! Then the elderly roommate puts on the music. The elderly roommate has a hobby. That hobby is collecting records. Novelty records. What are novelty records? You know, Tiny Tim, Dr. Demento, things like that. That's the party music.
The other guests consist of two types: hobos, and Young Republicans. I am not sure which group we were supposed to be in. I'll say hobos. Anyway one of the hobos is a bearded fellow wearing two different shoes. Neither of which has any laces left. He barely speaks a word to anyone the whole time, and never removes his backpack. One of the Young Republicans gives us a campaign pen. Another has us sign his petition to get on the ballot. The elderly roommate tells racist jokes.
Besides "Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas", the entertainment includes the game Twister. It has been provided and spread out on the floor, but no one is playing. The hobo with the backpack takes a recorder from his backpack and begins to play, pausing to sing as well. Stunned, we soon make our excuses and run all the way home.


Voting is now open for the Worst Party!

Odd Dreams From the Last Week

Escape To Cuba!

a small group of people sets sail in a decrepit small boat, not to escape FROM Cuba, but to flee TO Cuba! Once there they cannot leave and cannot get wi-fi. It is a fiasco.

The Man Who Knew Too Much!

A mafia-esque group of Hasidic Jews is searching for one of their own against whom they have a longstanding grudge. He has left the community and now lives in Boston as a non-Jewish middle manager originally from Baltimore. It is my former boss! All his talk of his hometown crabcakes was a LIE!! I warn him to flee, because he has been found out!

all civics are blue in the dark

I just shoveled out the wrong car! I don't know whose but they better appreciate it. It's cold out there.

this sucks

looking for a job while unemployed sucks ass, people. I have been pulling out ALL THE STOPS and I've had one disastrous phone interview (see previous), one useless callback (six month positions without benefits...ah, we call that temping where I'm from), and I am making myself miserable in the process.
being home all (well most all) of each day has not led to the tidy home I had wished either. Tidyness was not exactly bred into me and I never learned on my own. The various messes around the house play whack-a-mole with me--I fix one, another appears. It's a toss up whether I want to study up and try harder to be Neat Nelly, or say fuck it all and just be Me. Actually did I say toss up? I meant forgone conclusion.

here are things I have tivoed for my child lately:
Puppy Bowl IV (with Kitty Halftime Show)
AKC Championships
Westminster Dog Show

He loves to talk on Skype with his grandparents; he blows them kisses and refers to my father (with signs) as "Hat Mustache". (a very accurate nickname) He also enjoys Skyping with relatives' cats, whom he calls "aaaaooooo". Point out any representation of a dragon or dinosaur and he makes claw-hands and goes "rarrrr!".

Is there anything better than a 14 month old who does dinosaur voices?

He has also decided that I am "The Mom I Throw Up On" and OD is "The Mom Who Reads Stories The Right Way"--he's been known to tear books from my grasp mid-reading and hand them to her. It's cute and funny though it does nothing for my battered self-esteem.

after-math

1 self-removed diaper and logical conclusion of that incident
425 raisins consumed
18 dates consumed
249 cheerios ground into carpet
8293 styrofoam packing peanuts scattered
_____
=result of one mistimed nap and phone interview

"amuse yourself, kid," I said.
"we're, uh, rated highly by working mother magazine," she said.

yes, he takes special mischief lessons

Just now I attempted to distract my child by filling his highchair tray with raisins and cheerios, hoping for long enough to check my email [neglect rating:1]. glancing back from the screen to the child I find him standing in his seat, grinning and signing "sit".

"Sit down!" I say.

"NO!" he shouts.

I'm in for it.

more good things

1- I needed new 'interview' clothes (aka not Ill-Fitting Jeans(tm)) so I went to the special store for ladies of my size and damn, it is nice to try on clothes that don't make you feel like a mutant freak. Plus I think they have special look-good mirrors there. If I had money I'm sure I would buy a lotta clothes over there.
2- Sleeping in. Is awesome.
3- I feel like I'm accomplishing something just by attaching my resume and hitting 'send'

file under: blogs on blogs

some blogs rub me the wrong way. yet, I can't stop reading and imagining bitchy comments I would write if i were a [more] terrible person.

I've had comments deleted before on blogs, but it wasn't because they were mean. I was trying to be funny and I was *perceived* as mean, or so I figure. something about my delivery is way off.

also a friend of mine started a blog like last week and already has more comments than I have ever had in my life. therefore, she is winning the popularity contest. doesn't that just burn me up.

I can't link, because she doesn't read here. (I am much too embarrassed to tell some people about my blog. because of the swearing and because of the endless complaining I do. if you're reading already, it's too late to fool you. but i don't swear around everyone.)

but wtf, seriously, last week she was asking me what bloglines was and what 'hits' meant, this week, she's drowning in readers! what's that about? how the hell did you all find her? I can see you're all subscribed.

(actually I know she is more interesting than I am. i am just whining)

The Good Things About Being Caught in a Massive Layoff

-people are very sympathetic and tell you all about "the one time I got laid off,"
-gossip spreads: free networking with no awkward cold calling!
-everyone sends farewell emails addressed "To the best coworkers ever!", and you can pretend they meant you too
-quick way out of that pesky health insurance nonsense

ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

In answer to Christine's question: nope. unless you count the free boxes! they gave us to put our meager possessions into. Free boxes! woo!

nothing interesting happened...early meeting, quick announcement, awkward joking (I am putting that skill on my resume), and interminable waiting for our turn in the exit interview room. The end! or is it?

Well yes, I won't be back to linger or tie up any loose ends. Took all my stuff, said bye. Sent my pathetic draft of a resume to a resume service. Spent the rest of the afternoon on craigslist and bookbuilders. Keep an eye out folks.

and what does one wear to such an occasion?

I slept poorly, but not for the reason you think! It is because today is the layoff day. We're not sure whether Friday will be our last day? or if we'll have to take our stuff and go? I'm taking my backpack just in case. One would think that we would actually be asked to finish our projects. But on the other hand it would be bad business to have a bunch of short timers hanging around, all pissed off and glum. So it's anyone's guess, about the details. The Facts are that in just two hours I can stop worrying and start panicking!

Not On Hiatus--Just Lazy

I don't post, but it doesn't mean anything, except that I'm not creative. The death of a blog is a sad thing. Although karen of NO is back (as cheek), RIF is gone, finslippy (W!) is 'on a break', and croncast is running out its last 50 shows. Doesn't everyone inside the computer know they exist for my entertainment??
I'm flailing about trying to remember how people get jobs. Turns out they write these things? called resumes? and cover letters? I am so screwed.

ME EAT HOUSE.

This house is so cute I want to stomp on it like godzilla.
I don't know where he keeps anything but ISN'T IT THE CUTEST?



I love the position that a small home reduces my consumption. it helps me not feel terrible about having my familiy in baby condo (with no outdoor space period). When I go to peoples houses and they have...another bathroom...another story..playroom...parking...and a yard....oh I feel like a terrible failure. imagine raising a child without a backyard. MONSTROUS. So I focus on the smaller carbon footprint.
please don't tell me that a yard could actually decrease my resource usage or carbon output. I am a sensitive flower and will cry.

Ok, sounds good [you giant douchebag]

"...amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards..."
-Huckabee

Oh absoLUTEly, and WHY haven't we thought of this before?? I took the liberty of getting a head start!!



First order of business! New capital of USA is Mt. Olympus. It's the dwelling place of the gods!
Secondly, nine justices of the supreme court? Out! nine high priests of AHURA MAZDA? IN, BABY!!
Then, obviously, every fourth November will bring not a presidential election, but anointing of the god-king. THE MORE GODS, THE BETTER, RIGHT HUCKABEE??

minus one telephone

When the phone tree called tonight to tell OD that there is no school tomorrow, she was so excited she apparently hurled the telephone to the ground. Now the boy has one new toy, and we have one less phone. And no school! Totally worth it. I still have work. Maybe my new job should be in a school....yeah, that's the ticket...

Mmmmmm, Pizza

That murder pizza kid pled guilty for a short sentence. The end of a weird story. Don't drink and fight, kids! Also: if you are stabbed, call an ambulance, do not try to drive to a hospital. That's not a good plan.

it's peanut butter jelly time!

anyone read this?

i dunno, does it mean I can dispense with packing lunches and just send peanut butter smeared on a playing card?

even if it's all true--probably can't let anyone see me feeding a toddler nuts. Dr. Disapprobation From Other Mothers trumps all those germans!! ha!

so. cold.

today was cold enough to freeze my ipod. Also, and I don't know if this was related to the cold, the train shut its door on a woman's arm and when I tried to pry it open THE TRAIN BEGAN TO MOVE. Everyone started to scream and it stopped. The End. I think she was scared though. I would have been really, really pissed.

Mittens are great but sometimes I think I would like mittens made of hot lava, because I feel that is the only thing warm enough for my poor, constricted vessels.

We have a rental car for the week because we are finally getting the body damage fixed on little blue car. The rental car is pretty small and lame. Um, what else? We are finally getting a will next week. How embarassing we don't already have one. But now we will. Ha ha get it? It will be a relief. I am a worst-case-scenario person, after all. We also went to a financial planner. That was also a relief in its own way, though you Do Not Want To Know what college is going to cost in 2024. If you are interested in a financial planner, let me know. They are not just for people who swim laps in a pool of gold coins.

happy new year for the tired and lazy

Shut the door on a year that was good but which made me very, very tired.

I resolve to continue an excellent record of water conservation by continuing to never, ever, wash the car.

The boy--no longer a baby but a Real Boy--added a few adorable and some not adorable tricks to his bag.
He calls us 'mama' or sometimes 'nananananananananana'.
He started saying please.
He also started amazing shrieking when denied things.
His favorite food is Whatever You're Eating Right This Minute Give It To Me Now.
His Aunt gave him a toy cell phone for christmas...and...well....see for yourself.



Gee, do you think he likes it?
After I peeled it out of the fortress of packaging, he screeched, turned to the Aunt in question, and said fairly clearly, "Thank You!"

He's a really great guy like that, see.

He also got a New Year's Day hair trim. Don't hate us. It was getting really uneven. He looked like nothing so much as Dilbert's pointy haired boss on some occasions. Now he looks like a big boy. Which he is getting to be.

If you have a job opening for someone who has few real skills, but is very good at solving small problems, email me OK?

I think i'm nearly done

I got this for my sister:



baby's getting this

The BIL is getting These and these
plus some carbon offsets cuz that's how he rolls.

Someone's kid is getting an item close to this but I couldn't find an exact picture.

And for the yankee swap? I got this ridiculous object:


I very briefly hesitated to actually give it away because the kid decided it was his New Best Friend. But hello, who wants crap in their house, adored or not? It's gone, baby, gone.

Thanks to everyone who made suggestions.
Next year I am going on shutterfly and buying twenty calendars and calling it a day. Damn. I hate shopping.

Six Hour Tour

At Three PM on Thursday, OD left her work with the kid, bound for home--a ten mile trip.

At Six PM, she called me at home to say she was halfway.

At Seven PM, she called to say that she was in the same location she had previously called from.

At Seven-ten PM, I packed a bottle of milk, a cup of hot cocoa, the baby's snowsuit and boots, and four charcoal handwarmers in a backpack, and departed the house to play St. Bernard dog in the Alps.

At Seven-forty PM, I found them in Brookline, still stuck in traffic.

At Nine-ten PM, we arrived home and began digging a spot to put our car.

We tired, yo.

Uh, I know it's in central asia?

Something I ordered for someone accidentally got shipped to Uzbekistan. Uzbekistan! that is a JOKE COUNTRY.

Progress

Stayed up late on Amazon.com.
This is a dog toy for a dog owning relative.

On rec from caramama, for my grandfather:

This is for my dad. It is about the multiverse.

This is a funny book

Here is a book for Unkie Jer. You would be surprised at the selection in this category at amazon. He will find it funny but hopefully not useful.


This is for my mom but I am worried she already has it.


And then.. I want this for a friend's kid but...it is unavailable. Boo.



OD's mom gets this


tk:
outdoorsy brother in law
sister
hippie friend and her kid
sister in law

More and more and more

It has been a terrible horrible very bad no good weekend chez mclazy. Someone had a Very Bad Cold and we ended up in the ER, where it suddenly didn't seem as bad as it had at home, but still. Anyway it was just a cold but, you know, bad.

So the result is that my brain is completely fried. I left the keys hanging from the trunk of the car all night on Friday. My neighbors brought it in in the morning. Thank goodness it was too cold for car thieves to be out. Then we forgot to pay our condo dues. Embarrassing. Then OD locked herself out of the house while I was at the grocery store. Brilliant! We should probably be kept away from open flames until we regenerate some brain cells.

Caramama has kindly posted a few more suggestions:
1. humorous items at:despair.com
They are hysterical spoofs on the regular motivational stuff. SO funny! I'm thinking of getting the calendar!

2. Book: Legacy of Ashes, which is a behind the scenes look at the CIA.

3. there are these cool keychains that store and show digital pictures.

4. And the magazine subscription I'm getting my sis is Brain, Child

Many thanks for the suggestions. I am examining them all. Although I seriously thought this pudding would be more popular? Folks on the haircare Yahoo group are crazy for it. It's purple you know.

Hi Larious

I should really be choosing the yankee swap item from among the selections highlighed at
http://www.disturbingauctions.com/daily/

perhaps the older ladies in my office will not be amused, but I will laugh and laugh for days to see them unwrapping, say, this:

Or This:



oh man that would be awesome.

I still have pudding, there are now two pudding candidates, though one claims not to need the pudding. The game is afoot!

My sister is a vegan-punk-artist type. My father is a bit of the conspiracy theorist who enjoys reading about string theory, origins of the universe, and books by Richard Dawkins. My grandfather is a bit bourgeois and enjoys the latest hard to get item that will make him look cool to his fancy friends.

Continued

more suggestions, from thatmommy.

"Because we are unoriginal, we are doing the digital photo frame and an entertaining flash drive for my parents(a hippie van for dad, TBD for mom) and a new palm-held GPS and one of these for my partner's geocaching, gadget loving dad. There seem to be lots of USB gadgets around these days.

And because we are mean, boring parents, the kids are getting mostly useful stuff or outdoor toys.
So far, we've picked up a toddler toboggan, some sandbox toys, like this one: a new ride-on toy, an aqua-doodle, and some accessories to things the kids already have(more blocks, more Little People, dinky cars). Most were etoys.com purchases. I think the only things left that we intend to buy are a few DVDs, some new D0ra and Diego sippy cups and some books.

And princess pull-ups, by special request of the potty-trained toddler. (My kid is weird.)"

Building the Better Gift Catalogue.

Here are Clementine's excellent suggestions. They may not all suit my strange family, but I am linking them all for the greater good.

I don't need the pudding, but here are some possible gift ideas:

--A fluffy book possibility for your sister: Getting Over It by Anna Maxted. It's v. funny but also makes me cry. It's definitely chick-litish, though, so be careful if she hates that kind of crap. (Me? I love it. Total guilty pleasure.)

--I asked for a Be Good Tonyas CD--they're Canadian and sort of bluegrassy. Not cool, but lovely nonetheless.

--Have you checked out the wonder of Etsy? I'm forever drooling over stuff on there. There are gazillions of gorgeous handmade things on that site. Scarves, t-shirts, hair clips, bags, etc. Love it. I once had a link to the place in my sidebar before I broke the hell out of my template

--And speaking of handmade things, I like the store Magpie in Davis Sq. They're v. expensive, but I like them anyway (plus then I can visit that new cupcake store! I love their lemon good luck cupcakes).I want cupcakes now. NOW.

--I don't know about gadgets, though I do know Petunia swears by her Creative Zen MP3 player (I think that's what the cool kids call them, anyway).Ah yes. My dad has already used and destroyed one of these suckers. OD's is lost...possibly in the robbery but we couldn't remember. Hmmm.

--Hand-embroidered t-shirts are wicked easy and v. cheap, too. I use the Sublime Stitching patterns cuz I super suck at drawing, but if you can freehand it you'll be even better off. I did one for my best friend this year and I know she's going to pee when she sees it.hand....embroidered??? oh boy. in my other, more accomplished life, I hope. Good for you. Holy cats. hand embroidered.

--I've been stalking Nova Naturals' website for the baby; they have some wooden toys and Waldorf dolls for decent prices, and it's all natural/hippy/Fair Trade/organic crap there. True confession: I spent 2 hours on Friday night looking for a cheap but nice Waldorf doll for the E-meister. I finally bought one from the Nova Naturals' site; it was easily $10 cheaper than any other doll I saw.I don't know what a waldorf doll is, but there is some cute hippie shit on this site. I will be able to find something for my hippie friend's kid. brill.

--For anyone who can handle sugar: Anything from Burdicks Chocolates or Lake Champlain Chocolates. Harbor Sweets are great, too.Dude. you don't have to tell me about the harbor sweets. we ate up all of them the day after you brought them. Awesome.

--Most people I know love their Crocs, so those are always a good gift option in my family/circle of friends. my dad likes his too. he's like, why don't you have some? But I think I would be cold. I am always cold.

--Also, my new favorite gift: Magazine subscriptions! My favorite is Bust, but I'll pony up for mainstream pubs as well. It may be too early to get the kid a magazine. But I want to. My mom usually gives me Cook's Illustrated. OD usually gives me national geo. They have National Geo 'little kids'. It is full of ffff's.

--Other things I like: Making a donation in someone's name (I'm hoping to make a gift of honeybees to Heifer International for my brother and his fiancee); handmade scarves; homemade hot cocoa (I have a rad recipe--email me if you want it); gift cards to favorite stores (I'm finding that even indie shops have these now, as do online retailers like ReproDepot). So yes, last year we gave the bees to my mother in law and she was completely non-impressed. Next time she gets ACTUAL bees. In a dog's mouth and when he barks he shoots bees at you.

Okay. Those are v. generic gift ideas, but you didn't give us too many details. If you want to say more, I can (maybe) be more helpful.

Good luck!
Oh also, I need something VERY VERY STUPID and hilarious for that horrible, horrible game they make you play at work. Where everyone brings something crummy and you pass around and stuff? I want to bring something so astoundingly awful that it becomes awesome. A weeping clown on velvet. Dancing hamster thing. These hideous candles. One year someone brought a Successories poster and I laughed and laughed. Then I found out it was a non-ironic contribution and felt bad. But seriously? Those are jokes right?

Never Too Late

The pudding still going begging.

Long time reader(s) may recall that last year, we bailed on xmas and bought no gifts.
Now I'm out of practice, I have no idea what to get people. I don't even know what the cool kids are wearing these days. (I suspect they are not wearing ill fitting jeans decorated with spitup and hummus). what does my sister need? probably not a fistful of paperclips. but that's what she'll get if I have to do this alone. My mom will get all the socks that don't match up anymore.

I need help...even if you don't need puddin.

but it is a nice pudding for those with supa-curly hair. perhaps you could make it a gift for someone yourself.

Shopping Scavenger Hunt with PRIZE

I was shipped a very expensive product by mistake.
they are sending me my real item, but they do not want this one back.
Product here.
It is the 16 ounce bottle. Never opened! NIB!

It is not quite two hundred forty dollas worth of puddin', but it's a lot of pudding.

I don't need the pudding but I do need help shopping. So point me to the neatest coolest hardest to find items on the web today, and the pudding can be yours. Send as many 'entries' as you like. I am in the market for baby/toddler things, weird gadgets for my dad, really funny books, and any gadget or tool that makes my life easier (hint: i'm a disorganized slob).

With the amount of traffic I get here, odds of winning are greatly on your side. So go forth! and possess stupidly expensive hair product!

And sorry to the lady in Oklahoma who is missing her pudding. I am sure they will send you your proper items if you give them a call.

What, you're too good to be a member of a marginalized group now?

does this ever happen to anyone else? You call up or run into someone you've been out of touch with for a long time, and she looks really nervous to see you, and after beating around the bush for a while, finally she mumbles through her fist that she's living with her "boyfriend"??
I get the sense that people think I will shun them for not being gay anymore. Like what am I going to say? "Aw man, you used to be cool! What happened?"

I mean I might, but I might not.

Also, what the hell, aren't there any nice single ladies in LA?

happy birthday Mr. Man

here's what you do:
you sign more, milk, book, sing, thank you, apple...in your own way
you say more, dog, thank you, i love you, mama...in your own way
you desire spicy food, milk, yogurt, laptop, guitar, violin, dogs, cats, tricycle, vacuum cleaner, and hugs
you stack blocks, you knock them down, you pretend to read books, you bang your guitar like a mini Pete Townshend, you ride your trike but only backwards, you make car sounds and I didn't teach it to you, you laugh so hard you fall on the floor and bang your noggin and you keep on laughing, you wake mama up at midnight for no good reason, you play somewhat avant garde songs on the recorder, you let your cousin pick you up by the head just because you worship big kids.

you are the best kid that ever was
and we love you.

ha ha ha ha ha ha wheeze

Julie linked to this and I laughed so hard I had to go lie down, then I came back and finished reading it, and I sprained a rib.

oh dear.

I'm posting this late because I have something else to post in about twenty minutes.

Neeeeeeever mind

Oh hiiiiiii. How aaaaaare you? Oh your little todog is adoooooooorable. What? It's Godot? Oh what an interesting name. So, which of you is staying home with him? Oh you both have jobs? Oh that must be soooo harrrrd. Oh I could neeeeever do that. Oh, but you're doing great, really. Just great. So what does he like to do? Really? Play with cars? Oh how neat. Ginger is getting into writing music, isn't she, aren't you, Ginger? Oh Ginger, don't touch Todog's little car. No no, it's dirty, don't touch. Oh, I mean, you can never be too careful, you know? Oh I'm sure you're careful. But still you just never know. Ginger! come down from there! No, I know Todog is on the swings...but the swings are closed for us today. We don't want to get wet and dirty, do we? Oh, not that it's bad. It's just...you know. Oh yes she is very verbal. Oh, look at that, he's signing for milk, is he? How cute. Ginger, how do we say "Good Afternoon" in Czech? No, that's "Good Evening". So you must be happy now he's 12 months and sleeping through the night. Oh he isn't? Oh my, that's sooooo harrrd. Oh but just as long as you don't let him cry! You never let him cry do you? Oh I could neeeeeeever. No, Ginger sleeps really well. Well, it's all about being in tune with them, isn't it? Anticipating their neeeeeds. Ginger never cried, we had a really good emotional connection, you know? Well, maybe it's harder for you, because you didn't have the pregnancy to bond. Not that that's bad. I'm sure it's really great. But I could neeeeeeever.

"I don't know the real words!"

As sung by OD.

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly
I don't know why
she swallowed a fly
I hope she'll die


HA!!!

We interrupt the dumb stories hour....

...to bring you a gift shopping guide for someone who may have lost a finger in a log-splitting incident.

-finger puppets
-finger paint
-chinese finger trap
-little box with a hole cut out where you put your finger to scare someone
-fingerless gloves
-book about fingerspelling
-finger cots
-nail polish
-trip to finger lakes

The One Time My Sister Lost Her Bear, And I Found It, And Revealed The Finding At Great Personal Risk

My sister as a little child had this kind of ugly teddy bear she called "white bear" (we were creative. my item was called "yellow blanket". laaaame). I went to the elementary school, I was in the 3rd or 4th grade, so she would have been 3 or 4. She went to a preschool across the street, and both schools shared the playground. So one day she came home from preschool with no bear. No bear!! I think she kept my mother up all night. This was before ebay and no replacement bear could be found. It was a disaster. She didn't sleep for days.
Then one day I (through no fault of my own, obviously) ended up sitting writing lines or something in the principal's office. On the desk where I was working was a bear just like the missing one.
So there I was with a third grade dilemma. Do I go home and tell my mother that my principal has a bear in her office, and possibly knows where to buy them, thus revealing that I had been sent to the office?? or do I keep my mouth shut??
I told my mom. She went straight into the principal's office and begged to know where the bear had come from. Turned out, the bear had been found on the playground--it was the same dumb bear.
All I got for being sent to the principal's office was a tight-lipped "hmmmmmmmm" a la Marge Simpson.
The funny thing is my sister remembers it all differently. If you asked her she'd probably say I tore the stupid bear from her hands and hid it myself. All her memories are me as a complete bitch.

The One Time I Took The Wrong Train And It Was Really Cold Out

One time in the winter when it was about 5 degrees out, I accidentally got on the wrong train at Back Bay. The commuter rail is designed for commuters: people who do it every day and know what the hell they're doing. They understand which trains come when and where. Dumdums like me stand helplessly on the platform hoping that the train arriving at 4:52 is the 4:56 to Franklin and not the 4:47 to Needham. And we are always wrong. At some point during the ride, when I looked out the window and saw a very non-urban landscape flying by, I panicked, and got off at the next stop--not thinking that there was no real station building: just a place to stand and freeze. The next train in the other direction wouldn't come for like an hour. I called a taxi but forty-five minutes later, having lost six toes to frostbite, I figured they weren't really coming. I was very, very cold and sad. I may have mentioned before that I am a crybaby. So I cried.

And then a very nice woman let me sit in her truck to warm up. She was waiting for her husband. When he came, they gave me a ride to the next station. Wasn't that nice? What nice people. I am embarrassed that I cried though. But it was SO COLD.

The One Time My Parents Let Us Stay Home Alone On New Year's Eve

One time when I was 11, my parents--probably unable to find a sitter--said that I could stay home alone on New Year's Eve with my cousin (also 11) and my sister and her brother (both 7), while the adults went out. People used to do stuff like this, I really don't think it was considered that neglectful. Anyway, it was a cold night, with a beautiful cover of thick fresh snow on the ground. The four of us played outside in the snow, enjoying the lack of supervision and having a snowball fight. And then we did that stupid thing that kids in the snow do because they don't know any better, and started throwing snowballs at passing cars. What a bunch of brats, right? We mostly missed, but eventually one missile found its target...and the car screeched to a stop in the middle of the road.
oops.
The occupants of the car jumped out, and started throwing beer bottles at us. We shrieked and raced back into the house where we hid for the rest of the night.

It was an awesome New Year's Eve.

The One Time I Didn't Get To Go To The Second-Grade Ice Cream Sundae Party

One time in the second grade, my second grade teacher attempted to encourage everyone in the class to memorize their times tables by promising that everyone who passed the test would get an ice cream sundae party at the end of the year! Woo! The teacher's carrot method must have worked because 23 out of 24 seven year olds learned their math facts. And one day in June I had to listen to everyone sharing a laugh about how Jake had sprayed Brie with whipped cream from a can! Hilarious!!! I have never felt so left out in my life.

I do know my times tables now. I believe someone owes me a sundae. AND MY PRIDE.

The One Time A Guy In France Kept Calling

One time, we started getting messages on our answering machine from a man named Albert, who spoke in French. I wished I had studied harder in school because I could not understand him at all. Sometimes we were home when he called and I tried to explain that he had the wrong number. It probably sounded something like this to him:
Me: Pardon me, you are soaking in number!
Albert: Who the hell are you?
Me: Thank you welcome mystery and gumballs!

It was a little funny for me, but probably very frustrating for Old French Albert. Eventually I felt bad that I could not make myself understood and I turned to the wisest of sages, Google. Google informed me that just one digit off from my number was a listing for "French lessons". So, I called the number and informed the very surprised man that Albert was trying to reach him. Albert turned out to be his father in law, who apparently has very thick dialing fingers.

Albert calls less and less all the time.

The One Time I Got A Whole Case of Brownies Free

One time, I was at Walgreens, and apparently had had no sugar for five or six minutes, so I purchased a new item, which was a brownie with chocolate chips in it. I saved it the whole way home, which is tricky for me. So I got home, unstrapped the world's heaviest baby and put him for a nap, and then sat down to eat my brownie. It was moldy! I was so bummed. But there I was sitting around the house with nothing to do, and a sad sack treat I couldn't eat. So I picked up the phone and called the number on the back of the wrapper. Someone actually answered, and I spun my sad sad tale in a plaintive tone. The woman was very apologetic and said she would send me a new brownie, and took my address. The next day, the nice fedex man brought a huge box which contained an ice-cooled CASE of brownies.

Oh man that was a good day.

The One Time I Nearly Killed Everyone And Got Stuck In a Ditch and Then Removed From The Ditch By Silent Bob

One time, I was driving a terrible, terrible rental car-chosen because it was the dirt-cheapest option- on Valentine's day from Boston to Vermont. I had OD in the car as well as a couple of other friends who were bumming a ride. The presence of the four of us probably doubled the weight of the car. I don't think I need to tell you that cheap cheap rental cars don't come with snow tires...they barely come with tires. Anyway, it was snowing seriously and the car's flimsiness was making itself felt. Somewhere in New Hampshire, on a thankfully deserted road, the other three occupants woke up as we gently spun 780 degrees to a stop in the middle of the highway. And what's the smartest thing to do when you're halfway home and clearly in way over your tiny car's head? Straighten out and keep going, of course. And so I did. We saw several more spinouts and ditched cars along the way, but felt a need to press on. Right between exits 13 and 14--about three miles from my parents' house--I had finally taken it too far. In slow motion, the roller skate slid off the edge of the road into a gully. It was so slow and so gentle that I could barely call it an accident--more like a detour. On the other hand, we were totally stuck. We could push it, but not enough to jump back up onto the road. And despite it being about 11 PM, people began stopping to give advice and make me feel very, very stupid. Eventually, there were like three random guys and a state trooper, tsk-tsking at the dumdum college kid who couldn't drive in snow. As I stood there wondering how long it would take me to walk up to the mobil mart and call my dad (this was before cell phones), a pickup truck pulled to a stop next to us. As I braced for another barrage of advice, a large bearded man got out of his truck, pulled out a chain, hitched it to his truck and our car, and pulled us back onto the road, unhitched his chain, got in his truck, and drove off--all without saying a single word. I convinced the state trooper that we were four minutes from home, please just let me go burn quietly in embarrassment there, please, and he let us leave, though he followed us.

And I never, ever told my mother that my terrible driving almost got us all killed and YOU'D BETTER NOT TELL HER EITHER, I MEAN IT.

The One Time I Thought I Would Be Banned From Trader Joes

One time, I thought I was going to get banned from Trader Joes. I was wandering around examining all their exotic foodstuffs and found myself in the wine section. In the wine section they often stack cases of wine on the endcaps and cut the sides away to reveal the bottles. I reached into one of these boxes and lifted out a bottle of wine--the keystone bottle, apparently, because the entire display came smashing down. Glass and wine and corks and hot, hot shame flew everywhere. I stood there holding the one bottle and said to the poor employee, "I didn't mean to!"
They let me off the hook but I avoided TJs for a loooooooooong time.

The One Time A Dream Came True

One time, I had a dream that came true, but not in a good way. You know that dream where you are lost, or late, trying to find the testing room for a big exam? Or you are taking an exam that makes no sense? Once I woke up about an hour late for an exam, and I ran to the classroom, and the guy outside who hands out the packets had already put them all back in the big box, and I made pathetic face, and he gave it to me, with 45 minutes left in the testing period...and I sat down, and opened it up, and realized I might as well have slept through the rest of it, and I totally failed. It was a not a good dream to have come true.

The One Time I Met Someone From Road Rules

One time, I met someone from Road Rules, the one in Australia. I was at work when I heard someone shout "Hello Shirky!" and then a second person shout "Hello Shirky!" It was a woman I used to work with and she introduced me to the second person, who was her sister, and who was on Road Rules, the one in Australia. I have never met anyone else from TV before or since. That was my entire television-celebrity experience.

The One Time I Ate Sheep Testicles

One time, I ate sheep testicles
tasted like hot dogs.
what that says about hot dogs, I do not speculate.
Also ate some brain, heart, lung, pancreas, intestine, stomach, kidney, and liver. And the head. The stomach was grossest.
The butchering part was like biology class.
sorry, sheep.

One Time...

Everyone is doing That Thing with the posting every day.
I am mildly embarassed that there is absolutely no way I could keep up, even after reading Mighty Girl's book.
But I have tiny postage stamps of stories...the kind that start "one time..." and end with everyone at the party avoiding me for the evening.
The first, i will call:

The One Time I Got Run Over By A Bike

one time, I got run over by a guy on a bike
I was walking along, minding my own, when wham! I guy comes straight at me and knocks me flat.
The front wheel struck me where my nuts would be if I were a dude
good thing I'm not. I had ugly bruises on my CROTCH.
CROTCH BRUISES, PEOPLE
Oh, and he totally didn't stop, he KEPT GOING. Hit and run CROTCH BRUISER!!
I cried, but I do that a lot.

relive my dorky youth

I just hope it doesn't suck.

"X-Files" stars, crew reunite for secretive sequel
By Leslie Simmons Thu Nov 1, 3:21 AM ET
LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Fans of "The X-Files" no longer have to rely on Internet rumors to seek the truth about a sequel to the 1998 movie based on the popular TV series

On Wednesday, Fox announced production will start December 10 on the sequel, which reunites the show's stars, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. The studio also picked July 25 as the U.S. release date.

Series creator Chris Carter will direct the still-untitled film. Carter also co-wrote the screenplay with "X-Files" veteran Frank Spotnitz. The duo also are producing. Shooting will take place in Vancouver.

The studio is staying little about the film's story line. All that is being revealed is that it is a "supernatural thriller" and that the movie will take the complicated relationship between FBI agents Fox Mulder (Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Anderson) in unexpected directions as Mulder continues on his quest for the truth and Scully remains inextricably tied to her partner's pursuits.

The July 25 release date would put "X-Files" up against "Step Brothers," a comedy starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, and an untitled comedy starring Ice Cube.

Fox's "X-Files" ran for nine seasons, ending in 2002. The first feature film, produced by Carter and co-written with Spotnitz, grossed $187 million worldwide.

Reuters/Hollywood Reporter

The Halloween Story

As alluded to last month.

Once upon a time many years ago, I was a dumbfuck college freshman. I was SO THRILLED to be independent and move away from home, but at the same time I must have been somewhat frightened because I regressed in a lot of ways. I had pictures of my cats! I ate a lot of candy, because my mom was so disapproving of candy. I even--oh god this is embarassing--started signing my name as first and middle, the combination of which is intensely childlike and thank heavens no one mocked me for too badly (I don't do it any more, my first name is babyish enough thank you very much).

I felt very much like a child set loose among adults. For example, the first time someone referred to one of my fellow freshmen as a "woman" I was completely confused and couldn't figure out who she was talking about. My poor roommate must have thought I was somehow mentally deficient, because she was vastly more mature than I and knew a lot of normal general information about the world that I did not. For example: how to dial long distance? Where the science building was? Where is the bus? People stay awake after 10 PM? Oh MAN I was a dumdum. Good thing it was a very protective and insulated college or else who knows.

I spent kind of a lot of time in the TV room (again...my mom disapproved of TV so I went overboard) when I wasn't busy, because I was not so awesome at making friends (luckily, in soviet russia, friends make YOU!) and because it was a good place to go that was dark and quiet and not as sensory overload as the rest of the place. One of those early weeks at school, I went down to try to find a TV playing the season premiere of "X files" because I was a giant nerd. That was like the second or so time that I had run into Octuplet Dazzle, and I was SO EXCITED that she liked my superlame show and from then on, we usually watched together.

So anyway, couple months later, Halloween is here, and you know there are a million cool-kid parties going on. I don't have to tell you that I was way too shy and nervous to go to any of them, and anyway had not received the secret memo about time and location. All I knew was there was free candy in the dining halls, and people were dressed up.

The one thing I felt I could attend was a scary-stories-performance in my own hall. The woman telling the stories was a sort of distant acquaintance, an upperclasswoman from my hometown who played tennis with my stepgrandmother.
So, I put on a 'costume' (I believe I glued plastic spiders all over my face. Not so much a costume as an effect, I guess) and wandered down to the living room where the stories were going on, and found Octuplet Dazzle there. (woohoo!) Now, I am a strictly rational type, I do not believe in any type of spooky ghosts despite my love of the x files. But Helen's stories were quite good and she set them in the actual dorm itself which made them almost scary, though far-fetched.

Anyway, when it was over and everyone had eaten all the available candy, most people, like my roommate, started getting ready to go out to their hot parties, but not lame-o me and not Octuplet Dazzle, but not because she was lame, probably because she was going to study or something (she smart).
At this point she prepared to do her normal disappearing act where she sneaks away when no one is looking. But I jumped in!
"Wow, wasn't that SCARY?" I said.
"Um, a little. I guess," she said, eyeing the exit.
"So FREAKY. With the bloody handprint on the window of the computer room? And the crazy woman locked to die in the fourth-floor corner room? And how the dining room used to be a cemetery? Aren't you scared?"
"Uh...a little. Maybe," thinking what the fuck is this dumdum on about?
"Man...I don't know if I'll be able to sleep! How about you? Won't you be SCARED all alone in your room? Just thinking about that bloody handprint and the screaming you can hear at the full moon. I think it's a full moon tonight!"
[note: for some reason OD had no roommate. The roommate dropped out, like, four days into school. OD denies responsibility, but she does snore on occasion]
"Yeah...I guess so."
"I would be SO SCARED to sleep alone tonight! Hey I know! You can sleep in my room!"

And she did folks, and that's the only story I have that is even sort of cute.

The end.

uh huh.

Received from...uh...someone. Someone who should know better.
No comment.


Hello, Fabulous LADY friend

THIS IS A TOAST ... TO US ... FOR THE MAN WHO HAS US, THE LOSERS WHO HAD US, AND THE LUCKY PEOPLE WHO WILL MEET US!!

You have been hit. You have been considered one of the 10 most fabulous ladies on my friends list. Once you have been hit, you have to hit 10 fabulous ladies. If you get hit again you know you're really fabulous.

SEND THIS TO 10 AMAZING LADIES, INCLUDING THE ONE WHO SENT IT TO YOU!!! .
**Let them know they are truly fabulous.


THINK PINK!! BREAST CANCER awareness

spookay!

Halloween's coming. That means candy eating! and neighbors with swank-ass parties. We are supposed to enter a "creepy dessert" contest and I'm a little intimidated.
Question: legibility of Leslie Hall costume? anyone?

note please to the right, Library Thing. Fun times! I want to discuss the YA SCi fi title. As noted before, even though I often find novels boring, I can totally read YA fantasy/scifi. If you share that taste, please read Un Lun Dun. It is funny and surprising and exciting and clever. Female heroine, too, very resourceful. And how often do you see a desi heroine (besides in those "my family keeps me down" books I hate)? It's a good one, folks.

bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling

OD: I'm going to Brooks, you want anything?
Me: yes, VENGEANCE!


On Friday I went to the (bleepity bleep) pharmacy to pick up a prescription. Went in and waited in line only to be told they don't carry that kind, sorry sadsack, no drugs for you! So I turned around and left. When I came out what did I spy? A grimy blue civic with a STOVE-IN SIDE. ASSHOLES! I KILL YOU!

Woo! Just when you think you can relax about money a little.

Brooks (nka Rite Aid) does not have security cameras in the parking lot, btw. So if you feel like doing a hit and run, do it there.

GARRRRRRRGH

ahem.

whoo, let's get heavy off the top shall we,

I'll even resort to Utter Boring to do so.

bought a mattress this weekend, for the kid. We'd been using crib mattress on the floor but upgraded to the twin for a little more rolling room. and, considering how much effing time we have been spending down there with him between the hours of 12 and 5, a little extra room for adults is not bad either.
They really get you on these things. You muster up the rationalization to spend $$$ on the mattress, then at the checkout they hit you for a water-proof cover thingy, then of course you need sheets in the new size. While you're in Marshall's buying them, you see all this other crap you need and then...you go home and you're like fuck! we have one metric ton of crap in this closet alone!
On a related note, anyone want a used-but-totally-clean tiny baby mattress? Not a fancy one by any means.
I've been drawing little diagrams with cutouts trying to rearrange some furniture. Have to make room for playtime fun, and it's not a bad idea to get the computer on the other side of Baby Gate Gulch, either. We have the place divided like that, into Yes Baby and No Baby. Front of house: fair game. Back of house: DMZ.
so far ok but i'm sure he'll be able to demolish the gate, like, next week.

Obligatory Gay Post

Lynne Cheney was on Jon Stewart last night.  Did you see?  He did the soft-touch thing of course.  There would be no excuse for that if he did it to Dick, but with her—I guess—it’s all right.  Still, though he was careful and delicate, he did manage to say what we all are thinking. 

 

Why is it OK for the Republicans to do such mean things to your child?

 

Her (non-) answers conveyed that she believes that, in fact, she and Dick have stuck up for their child, have protected their child, Dick by saying “freedom means freedom for everyone,” and she herself by stating publicly that she is against the FMA.  She dismissed any suggestion that they could actually stand up and do something instead of just saying things.  And I thought, isn’t she a MOTHER? How can she let that stuff go?

 

I have never properly thanked my own mother for her activism.  She deserves my thanks and more, she puts me to shame.  Years ago she was fighting the fight for Civil Unions.  She even put a bumper sticker on her car, which is so out of her normal way I was good and truly shocked.  In the years since she has stepped up to wage the battle for full marriage rights.  At any street fair or festival, she’s manning the Freedom to Marry booth, chatting up strangers, extracting signatures for the petitions.  She’s unafraid to really engage someone who says “Are you gay?  Then why do you care?” She writes letters to the editor when needed—clear, and concise letters that lay it out in simple terms.  Marriage is good.  Everyone should have the right.  She goes to the Statehouse to lobby.  When she’s in DC on business (yes! She has an entire other career!) she stops in to the rep and the senators to say hello and to remind them of this, her important cause.  You can call it preaching to the choir but it still matters.  

 

You may think that there is no convincing the antis that they are wrong.  But she has done it.  She has collected signatures from people who said, Oh, I just couldn’t! It’s too far!  She’ll say, What part is too far?  She talks them through it.  They change their minds because of what she says.

 

This is amazing to me.  I have a touch of the pessimist in me (O.D. is scoffing, a TOUCH?) and would never, ever have believed that people could be convinced that they were wrong on this issue.  My mother proves me wrong over and over.  Vermont is going to follow Massachusetts, I think.

 

I am incredibly grateful to have my mother’s support.  It’s more than support; she’s leading the way.  To me it has always seemed beyond all requirement, the lengths she goes to for this cause.  But according to her, it is simply mothering.  It is protective, it is caring, it is loving. Now that I am slowly becoming used to the role of mother myself, and wondering every day what it means to be a good mother and whether I can be one, I understand better.  My mother fights this fight because it is what mothers do for their children: really and truly fight for them.  If I can stand for my kid the way my mother does for me, I will be satisfied with the job I’ve done. 

is it funny, or depressing?

it's both of course, and feels written especially for me. woo!

lookout folks

dipshit award goes to

this windbag

pity party!

Once upon a time,

I turned 30 and my friends of 12 years forgot/secretly hate me and didn't call.

The end.

another non-story:
I have known Octuplet Dazzle for 12 years! holy crap that's a long time!
we did not meet cute or anything, folks. sorry no adorable stories.

Six Jobs for which I am supremely unqualified: A Tour Through Craigslist

1. Professional Livery Driver

2. Scandinavian Male Voice Needed

3. Christian Elementary Schoolteacher

4. Problem Wildlife Technician

5. Tree Climber



6. Cartoonist (see above)

AH MAH GAH

Did everyone else know this already? Jenna Bush 'wrote' a novel?

You Guys!
You didn't tell me!

Here it is

Seriously, how racist awesome is this going to BE??

COMEDY GOLD, PEOPLE.

Oh also have you heard the rumor she's pregnant? That's what I heard, mum's the word.

livestock at the fair

AAA! What the hell is that??



OMG Don't FEEED IT!!



seriously, I've never seen him look so worried about anything!
scary sheep!

boom! crash!

Do you ever miss trainwrecks.org?
I do.
It probably adds to my negative karma, but that shit cracked me up.

there was kind of a trainwrecks-esque incident at work. It involved the company's fancy fenway box, raffled tickets, important customers, and a stern all-desks memo about proper behavior. All of which probably adds up to about .12 blood alcohol. I still don't know who though!

It is funny and would be funnier if it didn't mean that now I have NO chance of every winning the tickets, whereas before it was just a wee chance. Boo.

If you feel like freaking yourself out

Apparently I do, cause I find this kind of satisfying.
Emergency Procedures brainstorm

Perhaps I have a latent survivalist tendency. Though you won't catch me peering through binocs at black helicopters or stockpiling shotguns.

Emergency	Plan
Bridges to Cambridge are blocked while I’m at work	Steal boat from boathouse
Political coup or martial law declared nationwide	Drive far north as possible, hike into Canada
Floodwaters rise forcing us and neighbors to third floor landing	Someone can stand on my shoulders and break skylight to get us up to the roof.  Probably third-floor neighbor mom lady, since she weighs about 85 pounds.
Blizzard, hurricane, power outage etc make baby formula, diapers unavailable	Formula=melted ice cream from all the thawing freezers in town; I can totally DIY some diapers out of bedsheets or something.
Aliens invade and enslave human race	Head for woods; live in cave while developing toxin to kill aliens
ENP destroys all electrical equipment	Camp stove; candles; carrier pigeons
Twilight zone scenario where I’m the only person left on earth	mmm…shit…this one sucks….I’d probably head straight for the ol’ pharmacy for a handful of night time stuff.
Zombies	You kill zombies by shooting them in the head.Duh.
Ice-9	Make some snowshoes, bundle up, burn proof pages for heat

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Tiredness makes it incredibly hard for me to focus on anything. Sometimes at the beginning of a task I have to write down the steps while I still know them, so that I don't end up staring at a pile of pages, trying to figure out where I was when I left off, or doing the almost-panicky thing I do where I compulsively click through every open window on my screen looking for an entry point back into whatever it is I'm supposed to be doing.

The brain, it cannot keep track of itself lately.

Among topics that would be amusing if I had an attention span > 3 seconds

-member of my family who buys into 9/11 conspiracies, to my embarassment
-my attempts to hack a not-cheap baby product that turned out to be WAY lamer than its price suggested (maybe I'll leave this until I've successfully improved this sucker)
-how old and lame I've become, that I turned down an invitation to a very fun evening with some of my favorite people because of my bedtime

There. I've bored myself to sleep.

Baby Loves Bhangra

He does, he danced very energetically at India Day yesterday. In a sea of cute kids he was certainly cutest.

Why dont' they make such pretty and cute clothes for boys though? no fair.

We have these cats staying with us, that we are babysitting. It was for someone I don't know very well. She left them on July 2, they were supposed to stay for five weeks until she came back.

It's not such a big deal that they've stayed longer, but it is a big deal that she hasn't called or anything to say when she will really be coming. It turns out that I don't like all cats as much as I liked our old cat. These two are destructive! They rip shit up and they knock stuff down. They seem friendly but it's not a nice friendly...I call the girl one Bitey.

So this woman who owns the cats, she hasn't responded to my messages.
If she doesn't come back, hey, Free Cats for first taker!

ooh, selling out

MotherTalk book blog tour:
Maximum Ride 3: Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports
By James Patterson

Once, many years ago, Octuplet Dazzle and I went on a trip with my parents. We each brought a handful of paperback books of airport quality, that we could read, trade, and then dump in some hostel in South America. One of these books was a James Patterson work, the title of which escapes me. It dealt with a kind-hearted veterinarian who encounters a group of genetically engineered children on the run from the Bad Scientists. The children, luckily, have an advantage, in that they can fly. It got sillier from there.
This was easily the worst of the entire batch of pretty lousy books on the trip. We may have traded it for a cup of coffee in Baños. Sorry, coffee vendor.
Well, at some point Patterson must have realized that even for weary travelers and people stranded in airports, tales of flying children were kind of a stretch. But the idea must have seemed too good to drop entirely, as the scenario has been tweaked and rebranded and turned into a series of books aimed at children, who presumably don’t balk at the idea that “recombinant DNA” results in children who can fly (and read minds!) And this novel is just bursting with themes that appeal to kids: Kids Alone In the Woods, Kids vs. Grownups, Loyal Friends.
The execution is strained, however. There’s a feeling of self-consciousness running through the book (to the point of having the narrator-heroine chastise the reader for starting with the third book in the series). There is also a kind of gimmicky ‘blog’ aspect introduced by one of the characters. This fourth-wall-breaking doesn’t really add much to the tale, though I laughed out loud at the ‘blog comments’, which were authentically spelled.
Past all these awkward details is a standard adventure with plenty of sci-fi elements, a band of righteous kids, and some super-super-super-villains. The story is frequently violent and I have a feeling that this series is more popular among boys than girls, despite the central character being a girl. In this respect, it’s a bit unusual--books aimed at boys almost exclusively feature boys in key roles (think CYOA books). Max, the heroine of this series, exhibits virtues generally tagged as ‘male’, though, such as toughness, aversion to tears, distaste for ‘mushy’ feelings, and physical strength, which tells me she has probably been written to appeal to boys.
And appeal she does, as the Maximum Ride series is tops on many bestseller lists. I suspect the readers overlap with fans of Eoin Colfer’s fantasy novels. If you’ve got a ten-year-old, you probably don’t need to read all these reviews anyway: you’re probably drowning in Maximum Ride titles already, and will be shelling out the clams for movie tix in 2008. It’s already a successful franchise, and I’m sure Patterson sleeps on a giant pile of hundred-dollar bills, but its shelf life is limited, and I don’t expect your grandkids to be reading this series.

Possibly I could swim to work.

Good Morning. I already had an intense fear of bridges. Now it may slide over to "crippling". If you are on the red line today and see someone swaying and humming while hyperventilating with their eyes closed tight as you're pulling into Charles, say hi!

Jokester

Not Exactly Stephen Colbert, but it played well to the crowd.

Now, almost anything will make him laugh. Tickling. Dancing. Jumping. Words beginning with 'B'. But this was the first time I noticed that he created a joke of his own. He was sitting in his crib drinking his bottle. We were gathered around trying to convince him that yes, it was indeed bedtime and he hadn't had a nap all day so what the hell? He was ignoring these reasonable pleas, sucking on the bottle and chattering away. I opened my mouth and he reached up and stuck the bottle in my mouth and laughed SO hard.

A much better milestone than dumb old teeth, right?

It's Business Candy

how early is too early to eat the vendor candy out of the proof packages?

I've been here since 8.

If that makes a difference.

Secret message for fellow nerds:
OMG 38h40m!!!!

Baby's Social Calendar

There was a funeral last week, and a wedding this week, and in another couple weeks is the great-grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary. We're logging a lot of carseat miles lately. Also becoming familiar with all of New England's rest areas. (Maine? could you please get some damn coffee? We are tired)

If you try to sit the kid on his butt, he stiffens his legs so he can 'stand'. Maybe he likes being all tall (all twenty-six inches tall) and looking around like the big kids. Speaking of big kids, he cannot get enough of them. And not just because they don't know the rules about no cookies for babies.

See him break it down with Gramma.