The Day

I can do many things well enough, but few things outstandingly. One talent in particular that I lack is the fancy-talking. So I can't write about all the layers of emotion I feel today and all the big thoughts that are going through my mind. Luckily, I know you're all right there with me, and I don't have to explain. And I'll let a picture do some of the talking.

so

my mother is twittering.

Pointless complaint

The guy upstairs, despite being very normal and friendly in person, is an email jerk. I bet he doesn't even realize. But every email he sends is bossy and curt. A couple months ago he sent around this email saying "whoever has been using the trash cans please put them out on trash night." Whoever has been using the trash cans? Do someone people not produce trash? Do YOU not produce trash, dude? Really? Kudos, buddy. Whay to be green but seriously. CHILL. Last month he was really irritable because some tradesperson still had his phone number and not mine (I am currently serving out my sentence as building president) and kept sending increasingly short and snippy messages about it; like, whatever, dude, I have given them my number and honestly is it that big a deal if they call occasionally? Just tell them sorry wrong number, right? And now today he is emailing me telling me I need to thank the snowblower guy. Ok, on the face of it that's reasonable but then wait hold on a second--if you feel grateful to the fellow just say thank you. Don't email someone else to do it for you. You're going to leave it up to me? And anyway it just seems bossy. Tellin' me what to do. I am not a fan.

He's a nice guy in person though, like I said, so I find this baffling.

Facebook continues to jump shark

I've mentioned before that facebook is not as cutting edge as I once thought
but seriously
my grandmother just friended me

The real reason the churches resent Darwin

On Sunday mornings before noon, the Harvard museums are all free. Free I tell you! So that is where you find us, along with half the toddler population of Cambridge, at the Natural History/Peabody complex.

Harvard's Museum of Natural History galleries (and the upper floors of the Ethnography museum) have been largely untouched by modern museum practices. They do not have carefully curated, minimalist exhibits with guided learning. They have huge glass cases stuffed to the gills with dusty, musty, sawdust-leaking taxidermy surrounded by mothballs. And it is fabulous. It is like a big, indoor, dimly-lit zoo where the animals all hold still to be observed instead of hiding behind trees. The hippopotamus is cracked at the seams but it doesn't keep a certain someone from sprinting toward it yelling EPPAPAMUS!

There are some corners which have been slightly updated, though, including the Hall of Vertebrate Paleontology (DINOSAURS! RAR!), and they have a jolly crew of volunteer interpreters--elderly people and teenagers--who follow you around eager to share their knowledge. It's the same folks every week and by now they recognize us. They know that I will stand about five feet back from the Pet A Live Giant Millipede table while Mr. Fearless will elbow aside four 8-year-olds in order to get a front-row seat. They read nature stories at 11 and they have dinosaur teeth you can touch.

I don't think that much of the educational bit is sinking in with the boy at this point; he's just as interested in sitting on the benches in the hall of birds to watch big kids go by as he is in looking at the specimens. He has his favorites though--the aforementioned hippo; the moose; the yak; and of course the monkeys. He seems to like pretending to be scared a little; he kept insisting that a monk seal (whose glass eyes actually give him a goofy aspect) was going to bite off his arm. Whatever dude, that seal has been dead since 1911.

If you're looking for a place to go on Sunday mornings that isn't a religious place, can't get much better than this free, fun, and mildly creepy joint.

junk solution

If you have junk to be rid in a great hurry of may I recommend the Free listings on craigslist. Last night I posted this and within ten minutes someone had claimed it. Faster than leaving it on the street on trash night! Less fussy than Freecycle! I also received twenty other inquiries, one "WTF?" and one "Don't lose heart, Jesus loves you."

To sum up, craigslist is hungry for junk.

Where to even begin

Hey! As these children are warehoused in residential facilities and group homes and/or shuffled from one overcrowded foster home to another I'm sure they'll be thinking "Thank Jeebus at least I'm not being cared for by a single person or a gay couple!!! And thank the Invisible Pink Unicorn my abusers voted to keep it that way!!!"

I effed up

forgetfulness and 'someone else will do it' disease have conspired to leave me newspaperless today. I've been to all the all night drugstores and grocery stores and all the street boxes, obviously they are all gone. do you think people will sell them on ebay??

The Story of Chicken Nugget

When I offer the boy chicken he says:
"chicken NUGGet!"

I must state for the record that although he has had pizza, french fries, ice cream, and sour patch kids he found on the bookshelf, I have never offered him a chicken nugget. He has obviously been frequenting the late night drive through on his own time.

I told my parents this and they thought it was funny.

Then my dad created a chicken nugget recipe extra crispy, froze the chicken nuggets, obtained dry ice, and my mother is driving down this weekend with chicken NUGGets. While it is not the only excuse she is using for doing so (something about canvassing New Hampshire for Obama), I believe it may be a factor.

Who are these people?!? If I had requested a chicken nugget as a child they would have said "Eat your meatloaf."

PS McCain can kiss NH goodbye if my mother is out there pushing Obama. She cannot be stopped.

Quiz Time

What do these three items have in common?








Answer:
If you are nearly two, they are all pronounced "FUCK".

Yeah, you lazy bums, wake up and get to it

Me: Mustache and Gramma have to leave. They have to go home.
Kid: Why?*
Me: Well, they have lots of work to do.
Kid: Why sleeping?

*the endless WHY has arrived.

File under D for Duh, Dumbass

O RLY?

I'm not saying health insurance companies are dumb, but....

My child (<2) today received a letter informing him that a good way to prevent asthma attacks is to quit smoking. It's never too late to quit smoking.

The fun is over

Recently joined Facebook, but now the relatives have found me. Topics now off limits to me on there are: politics; swearing; the existence of this blog.

CURSES!

OH SNAP!

OD: Am I cute?

Boy: No! Mama cute. I cute.

(he and I can agree to disagree, though)

TM sarah palin

From now on when I get treated bad or dissed in any way due to Teh Gay, I'm going to say "I'm feeling kind of tolerated right now."

I hope he's right.....

All You Need To Know: Anagram Edition

SARAH PALIN
=
SHARIA PLAN

fyi.

Humorous Anecdote

Child: Want Elmo! Want Elmo! Want Elmo!

Me: (oh hell)

MIL: What does he want?

Me: He wants to watch Sesame Street. Do you get PBS?

MIL: Do they still have that show?

Me: Oh yeah.

MIL: They make new ones?

Me: Yep. Plus reruns. It's a big hit.

MIL: Do they still have Big Cock?

Me: mphgh?

MIL: Big Bird. The yellow chicken.

Me: Yep.


And with that, I leave you with this youtube video, in which Big C. and his sidekick Snuffleuphagus are two of the bitchiest sarcastic a-holes you went to high school with.

Laziness in photo form!

At Gramma's house, I can eff with the violin? RULE.
AND throw things at ducks??
(I'm selling this one to the New York State Milk Board for ad campaigns)

Can't tell if he likes corn or not...

I dub thee...sir chicky
He's saying "DONKEY! EAT IT!!!!"

how not to get a job

from: xxxxx@xxxx.xxx
to: shirkymclazy@yahoo.com



i came across you add and was very indentured in the position

anarchist or anti-fiat-currency libertarian?

the boy took my wallet, removed the dollar bills (all both of them), crumpled them up and declared them to be "trash!"
Luckily I caught him on his way to the garbage can, but he was mum on whether motivated by simple anti-government feeling or a desire to move back to the gold standard. Or perhaps it was a comment on the current value of the USD.

Maybe he's been secretly adding to the netflix queue

Here's something creepy: a language-learning toddler whose new out of context phrase is "They're coming!"
repeat as necessary to create proper horror-movie foreshadowing.

and candy for breakfast!

Am I a permissive parent? According to my child's tricycle, which slept in bed with him last night, YES.

What To Read And Why

The blogroll just sits there, and no one clicks.I cleaned it up, and below are reasonswhy I read (or don’t) each of them. Go on, click something new!

 

A little pregnant

-This was the one that led me to all the others.She used to maintain an incredible collection of parenting blog links, including a category devoted to adoption.  This is where it all started.  I even remember how I found her blog: it was a link off LOD’s blog, which was a link off Defective Yeti. PS she is hilarious

AfrIndie Mum

No longer active, but for a time very informative on adoption. Where’d she go? I don’t know!

American Family

Your basic slice of life/adoption blog.For a (short) time she ran another blog about induced lactation that was interesting.  But she changed her mind about doing it herself and the blog went dark.  But she’s still got this one.

and I wasted all that birth control...

I’ve read this one since her first tragic pregnancy.

Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children

Lots of blogs get lamer over time  as people lose interest.This one is professional and has improved over time IMO.

baggageandbug.com

Read her since she was Cubbiegirl.

Bigger Than a Breadbox

I have the good fortune to know this one in real life.

clueless in carolina

Funny and sharp, great stories. She’s living through her mom’s alzheimer’s disease now,which is tragic but she remains interesting and determined throughout.

The Comics Curmudgeon

Hi-liarious, and don’t miss the comment of the week, one ofthe best bits.

The Commuter Blues

Another I know for reals!

Daddy, Papa and Me

The first gay adoptive parent blog I found.Check out his elaborate (to put it mildly) Harry-Potter-themed summer activity with his daughter (involves flying to London, holy crap)

Daily Fiber

Was a prospective adoption blog, went dark.

defective yeti

Funny dude, one of the first I read. I like the Bad Review Revue—the most scathing movie reviews collected in once place.

Do They Have Salsa in China?

Tons of cute photos and stories.Where does she find time? And the lunches! Gah! I hang myhead in shame.

DoctorMama

One of the most level-headed, with-it bloggers I read.Full of great, sensible doctor bits of information.  She recommends an approach to beginning running. Maybe someday when I feel less exhausted.

dooce

Who doesn’t read dooce? Come on.  I can say I read it before it was a shopping/photo blog though.  I’m Old School.

Evil Mommy

Another smaller, down to earth adoption related blog.

finslippy

One of the funniest out there.  Alum of my college (where the funny ladies go)

Fluid Pudding

Also funny, and I think a unique style.She knits too, and I don’t really understand those posts.

Fussy

A big shot in blogland.

Geese Aplenty

One of the few dudes on the list.  So funny.

Gwen's Petty, Judgmental, Evil Thoughts

Read her since it was Gwentown.  It’s nice to watch someone’s life really unfold before you.

I Blame The Patriarchy

Is there any funnier writer on the subject of feminism?I think not.

Julia

Read this for years. She’s the jolliest of bloggers in spite of some real crappy times overthe years.  Impossibly smart older child, impossibly cute younger children. 

Laid-Off Dad

One of the originals. 

The Land of Milk and Poo

FKA Cheek, FKA Naked Ovary.  Was once an adoption blog.  Then a pregnancy blog. Now I suppose it will be a parenting blog in general.

Leery Polyp

Defunct I guess. Hey, you know how it is when you read blogs, it only takes a couple of little tiny things for you to form a total opinion of someone? Well, I’m afraid that tendency got thebetter of me in this case.  Shepraised Dr. Sears once too often for my taste and I guess I quit reading.Dr. Damn Sears and his Gender Roles.  Jeepers.

Moxie

Most of her efforts now on her advice blog, but this was her original deal.

Paleo-Future

Find this fascinating, it’s about images of the future…from the past!  My mind…she is blown!

Pam's House Blend

You know me. I’m a hippie liberal pinko. And here’s the blog links to prove it.

Pandagon

See above.

Parent Hacks

Once one of my hacks got published. I’m a celebrity!

passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes

The comments are as funny as the (batshit insane) notes themselves.

Round is funny

Quitter ! ha!

Shakesville

See above about liberal hippie pinkos

smartypants's diary

this is not even a proper blog.  It has an old school look and feel (remember “online diaries”?) and no comments.  It is killer funny, but caution when recommending it to your mom. She works blue.  

The Sneeze

Another guy. Steve, Don’t Eat It!  Is upthere with cockeyed for “hilarious web stunts”

Spamusement

The late, the great, spamusement.  Burned so bright for so short a time.

Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Melissa just gets me, OK?

the underwear drawer

A slice of life blog by a doctor/parent.Was NYC but just moved to Atlanta.

Velcrometer

From TWOP (which, to up my old-school cred, I read when it was MBTV so there), a humor writer and adoptive parent.

needed

for work: personal motto
funny, not too serious
probably not latin because I won't understand it
where can I find????

Bugaboo Creek Traumatized my Child

Warning! Apparently child-friendly restaurants with crayons, french fries, and sippy cups may in fact have WILD ANIMALS inside which, although non-alive, will scare the bejeezus out of your child and force you to endure YET ANOTHER meal with someone sitting on your lap, this time whimpering "mooose.....moooooooose....."

also, we drove past two days later and he wails "MOOOOOOOSE". The "will eat me" is implied, I guess.

public service

I share with you, internet, my new favorite TV show that we've been watching online. Torchwood! It's like Buffy plus X Files, if everyone were Welsh and a little gay. Hottness!

Watch episodes here

Dr Foster Went to Gloucester

Here's what I would tell teenagers about avoiding pregnancy (the why, not the how).


When we became parents, my grandmother sent a card, and it was a little different from all the "Congratulations!" cards. She said,

"Welcome to the constant worry, sleepless nights, and never ending fear."

I know it doesn't sound nice, but it was intended in love and that's how I took it. I was actually very grateful for it, because it validated a lot of the feelings I was having at the time, which the usual "babies are so fun and cute!" didn't.

When you have a child, you worry every second of every day, at some level. You fear accidents and disease; you fear you're doing SOMEthing wrong; you fear the future. When they cry, it breaks your heart a little every time. You may have had a stressful life before, but it will seem carefree compared to waking up six times a night listening for breathing just to make sure he isn't dead. Every child, in every horrible news story, takes on the face of your child, and scares the bejeezus out of you.

The emotional weight of parenting is far greater than the physical and logistical problems and annoyances. I am sure that message is not getting across with egg babies or abstinence lectures or even birth-control demonstrations.
Being a parent can make you very scared and very worried and very sad sometimes, too.

Things The Geneva Convention Would Explicitly Ban, If My Child Were In Charge

-putting on shirts
-taking off shirts
-putting on pants
-sandals
-baths
-leaving the park
-sharing toys

chow

I was a moderately picky eater child. My parents felt that this was both a character flaw of mine and a terrible indictment of their parenting, and gave me a hell of a lot of static about it. Because I was also a more-than-moderately stubborn child, this made things a hell of a lot worse and I was quite old before I ate widely. Which I mostly do, although there is a list of things I will not eat.
So my child, who as an under-one ate a tiny bit of everything that crossed our table, is now 18 months old and will eat:

hummus (IF he gets to hold the spoon)
frozen mixed veg
frozen corn
raisins
crackers
rice (IF he gets to scatter rice to the four winds)
applesauce (IF it is made by grandma)
yogurt
soup (SOMEtimes)
peas (IF we are in the field and he can eat them off the plants)
milk

Here is a list of foods often eaten by children which he will take out of his mouth and throw back at me:
chicken (any form, including nugget)
green beans
ok, any kind of meat
bread: regular or pita
bananas
potatoes
all the rest of the vegetables

I'm not going to make a huge deal about what he eats or not but he can't keep filling up on raisins and crackers, can he? and his "acceptable" list is not terrible but I feel like I'm in a rut and I'm not convinced there is enough protein in there. What are some ideas? He is allergic to eggs.

I kind of want to ship him to grandma's to be fattened a little because he eats nearly all of what she makes for some reason. Likes her better I guess!

"at" "work"

The cat seems confused and I don't blame her, as I'm mighty confused myself, since I'm officially at work, yet my ass is in my own desk chair in my own bedroom. wha??? yah, today is a work from home day, so I'm "working" from home. I say that because I have no idea what I'm doing yet.
Also, we communicate with IRC, which is like 1993, and I forget how to use it! I used to be cool, what happened??

cutetastic!

weekend with cousins and grandfather mustache

Q&A

The kid still doesn't carry on real conversations, of course (except with himself, while falling asleep, which is very funny), but he can verbally respond to questions like, "what do you want to eat?"
Sometimes he answers "narsmwiwx" or something like that which means we play guessing game. I say "soup? (mo) milk? (mo) yogurt? (mo) potatoes? (mo) veg? (mo)" until I hit the right one. When I do he does a little explosive movement with his whole body. "YESH!!" he shouts. It's cute enough that I can almost get past the fact that all he wants lately is hummus. This morning he went off with OD to eat breakfast and when she delivered him back to me to be dressed, he smelled like garlic hummus. Should babies smell like garlic?

Survivor: Tantrumtown

McCain to Host Possible Veeps at Ariz. Home

Dear Friends:
Thank you for agreeing to visit my Arizona home on such short notice! We have a big weekend planned, so I'm sending this agenda to better prepare you all for the great things I have planned. Remember your sunscreen!

0800 Arrival at Compound. Blindfolds provided during drive to secondary location.
0900 Division into shirts and skins
0930 Team captains to arm-wrestle for choice of team bunker
0945 First challenge: Paintball!
1100 Second challenge: In this challenge I just scream at you til you cry.
1200 lunchtime!
1230 Third challenge: golf (warning, I am a sore loser)
1330 Fourth challenge: jerky eating contest
1400 Fifth challenge: Senate Tie-breaking contest
1500 Sixth challenge: Build a fire with sticks
1600 Snacktime!
1630 I will give a single red rose to the one I choose


Good luck to all of you and remember, no matter who wins, I'll be the one packing the supreme court with ultracons! So we all win!!

Yours,
John McCain

And where am I today?

Where else?

I'll be under the bed if you need me*

hiding from this


*because I have fragglephobia.

Jenna is the dumb one right? (warning: very whiny post)

Jenna Bush got married, which reminded me that Jenna Bush exists, and also reminded me of my college roommate. Because they look a little bit alike. Also, because I think they act a little bit alike. With the bein' rich and drinkin' a bit too much and so on.
Anyway I'm not a big fan of my college roommate lately to be perfectly honest. She always believed herself to be a few notches better than me in most ways. Like, she was smarter and more stylish and not crippled with naivete. Once she said something super mean that I wasn't supposed to hear but I totally did*. Alas, I continued to give her the benefit of the doubt, though she treated me like a young country cousin with no connections. Which perhaps I was. Anyway the last thing she did to irritate me was after I went out of my way to bring her my kid's baby clothes for her twin sons. She sent me an email afterwards in which she got my kid's name completely wrong. Irritation! Then she never called me again. Call me really shallow and petty but I am ticked off. I feel like she may have wanted to tick me off, so she wouldn't have to deal with someone so low-class as myself, ever again. Well, she gets her wish I guess. I just wish I could steal back those baby clothes.

*I can't believe you read this far! you must be bored. Anyway she just said to OD one time "But you can do so much better!" (than me). Bitch, right?

everyone has a price

how much pay cut would you accept in order to work somewhere where people are smart and funny, where you work at home 50% of the time, versus a place where people are average-smart and a little bit scary, where you get steep travel discounts?

further, both have a certain amount of free food, and both dish out the undeserved praise with a free hand.

not that I have any job offers. I'm just thinkin'.

seriously though I love being praised. I am Lisa Simpson!

yeah, my kid is funny but

this kid will be the funniest person in the universe

very, very self-indulgent post

Conversation:

Me: no.
Babe: NO!
Me: Yes!
Babe: YES!
Me: Copycat.
Babe: KIIIIIIIITTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!!!

Phrases spoken in my home for which this post might become the only google result:

Mustache is sleeping.*
The cat is not a drum.**


*In the night he gets up and demands "mustache" (grandad) who, if not sleeping, is at least 200 miles away.
**self explanatory

Excuse me, friend, do you like to laugh?

I listen to podcasts while I clean up and fold laundry. Without podcasts, there would be [more] raisins stuck to the floor. So I am very much hoping that Croncast continues after their 500th show. They say that if their audience doubles they will continue 2x a week. If you like to laugh, subscribe to their podcast. Maybe try listening to their Vacation show. That Betsy is very funny. And maybe you will get a little housework done.

I'm calling this one

When 'inconsistencies' are discovered in this book, I get five points.

whoops

Subconsciously I must not want the job I am interviewing for this evening, because I totally forgot about it this morning and left the house dressed all casual Friday. I don't think I have any time at lunch to get different shoes or some kind of sweater that might distract from the cargo pants and tshirt and sneakers look. Embarrassing. I hope they don't think I'm just rude. I'm just forgetful. Alas. But I think the salary was BS anyway.

I got it!

Charlton Heston's gun, that is.






(poor taste? what's that?)

I pronounce it "nasta!"

The NSTA conference exploded all over our house. As you can see. I asked OD to go by the Molt HicSnoodle* booth and tell them to fuck off, you fucking fuckers but she was like "ummmmm...no." Wuss.



*Clever pseudonym

They hired me to type these numbers and hit "enter" all day

I went to a temp job and it was weird. While I was there someone slipped this note over the cube wall. Do you think I should worry?

puunaikutti

It's been about a year since our old-time kitty died, and we said hey! we have a toddler, and one of us is unemployed! Let's saddle ourselves with another high-maintenance mouth to feed! Long story short, new cat! She was this stray who landed herself in the pound, see, and they happened to give her the same name as our old cat, so how could we let her moulder in the pound? You see my point. It's not really her name because she doesn't respond to it plus it would be confusing to us. We haven't thought of a real name yet but one member of the household just calls her "Wow!" He's a fan.

It's like Video Cringe

Have you had opportunity yet today to mock anyone? If not, you are in luck. I present to you an extract from a video created nearly nine years ago, when I was young and frustrated with the job hunt. Although I am older now, and have more job interviews behind me, I still feel exactly like this on most days. Plus ca change etc.

About the hair: I know, okay? I think someone cut it drunk.

Available to Hire: Half a Brain

Dear Random House Australia, Penguin House USA, and/or Sarah Crichton Books:
I am hereby offering my services as a doubter, skeptic, and all-round Mary Mary Quite Contrary to you for a reasonable salary and benefits package. I do not actually check facts--I don't have that kind of time or patience--but I am severely non-gullible. So what can I do for you? Basically here is how we'll work. If any of your editors uses any of the following adjectives about a manuscript:

amazing
heartbreaking
wrenching
astonishing
far-fetched
novelistic

You send me the MS. I read it and say "I'm not buying it." You are thus spared the embarassment of an expose, the expense of returns, and the ecological harm of pulping all those bound books.

Mt. Ivy Press, keep walking. You are too dumb even for me. Wolves?? I ask you.

Worst Party Ever: You Vote

Two Parties, both amazingly terrible, but so different. One where I was insanely uncool (or was i?) and the other where everyone else was insanely uncool (or were they?). Your choice!

Party One!

I am 13 years old. I have never been invited to a party that wasn't a birthday party. I have never thrown a party that wasn't a birthday party. I am Not Cool. I am Not Popular. Middle School is Kicking My Ass. And now, I am invited to Cara's party at her house. Possibly at the demand of her mother, who believes we are great friends, which we decidedly are not. Cara has made this a theme party. The theme is "The Sixties!" which is a popular theme, although obviously none of us has ever been near the actual sixties.
You may know that there are two types of "Sixties!" aesthetic. One is more or less accurate. It's what someone who had been there, might remember, and might dig from her closet for such a party. The other type is what young children imagine to be "Sixties!". Basically you dress and talk like Janice, the Muppet. Cara's party was clearly intended to be this latter, fun-time "Sixties!" One was not expected to show up as Lyndon Johnson, for instance. There is nothing fun about Lyndon Johnson for 13 year olds.
Alas, my parents were in high school in the actual sixties. So, when I asked for a costume, my mother pulled out something completely authentic but also completely wrong. It was really just jeans, an ugly shirt, and these tall lace-up leather boots. Unfortunately for me, the only thing about this that would have seemed like "Sixties!" to 13-year-olds was the boots...vaguely.
So I show up at this party...I can't remember if I am excited or nervous. At the door, Cara informs me that her mom doesn't allow shoes in the house. I have to take off the boots and now I am dressed 100% wrong. Perfect!
Everyone else has a perfect cartoon-sixties costume. Everyone else has friends. I spend the evening eating potato chips in the corner. At the end of the night Cara tells me she needs my help to clean up. Stupidly, I do.

Party Two!

I was not invited to Party Two directly. I am a date of the invited guest, OD. It is a birthday party for someone from her guitar classes. His name is Steve. Steve lives in an old house, where he rents a room from the owner, a really weird guy about 65 years old. To me it's weird for a 65 year old guy to have roommates in their twenties. Anyway we show up thinking it's kind of a party for grownups. We bring wine. The living room furniture has all been pushed to the edges of the room and covered in plastic sheeting, like the party is going to involve dancing, or possibly vomiting. All the food and drink has been confined to the kitchen, several rooms away in the back of the house. So picture a party with no place to sit, no snacks to mingle around, and no drinks allowed in the living room. ROCKING! Then the elderly roommate puts on the music. The elderly roommate has a hobby. That hobby is collecting records. Novelty records. What are novelty records? You know, Tiny Tim, Dr. Demento, things like that. That's the party music.
The other guests consist of two types: hobos, and Young Republicans. I am not sure which group we were supposed to be in. I'll say hobos. Anyway one of the hobos is a bearded fellow wearing two different shoes. Neither of which has any laces left. He barely speaks a word to anyone the whole time, and never removes his backpack. One of the Young Republicans gives us a campaign pen. Another has us sign his petition to get on the ballot. The elderly roommate tells racist jokes.
Besides "Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas", the entertainment includes the game Twister. It has been provided and spread out on the floor, but no one is playing. The hobo with the backpack takes a recorder from his backpack and begins to play, pausing to sing as well. Stunned, we soon make our excuses and run all the way home.


Voting is now open for the Worst Party!

Odd Dreams From the Last Week

Escape To Cuba!

a small group of people sets sail in a decrepit small boat, not to escape FROM Cuba, but to flee TO Cuba! Once there they cannot leave and cannot get wi-fi. It is a fiasco.

The Man Who Knew Too Much!

A mafia-esque group of Hasidic Jews is searching for one of their own against whom they have a longstanding grudge. He has left the community and now lives in Boston as a non-Jewish middle manager originally from Baltimore. It is my former boss! All his talk of his hometown crabcakes was a LIE!! I warn him to flee, because he has been found out!

all civics are blue in the dark

I just shoveled out the wrong car! I don't know whose but they better appreciate it. It's cold out there.

this sucks

looking for a job while unemployed sucks ass, people. I have been pulling out ALL THE STOPS and I've had one disastrous phone interview (see previous), one useless callback (six month positions without benefits...ah, we call that temping where I'm from), and I am making myself miserable in the process.
being home all (well most all) of each day has not led to the tidy home I had wished either. Tidyness was not exactly bred into me and I never learned on my own. The various messes around the house play whack-a-mole with me--I fix one, another appears. It's a toss up whether I want to study up and try harder to be Neat Nelly, or say fuck it all and just be Me. Actually did I say toss up? I meant forgone conclusion.

here are things I have tivoed for my child lately:
Puppy Bowl IV (with Kitty Halftime Show)
AKC Championships
Westminster Dog Show

He loves to talk on Skype with his grandparents; he blows them kisses and refers to my father (with signs) as "Hat Mustache". (a very accurate nickname) He also enjoys Skyping with relatives' cats, whom he calls "aaaaooooo". Point out any representation of a dragon or dinosaur and he makes claw-hands and goes "rarrrr!".

Is there anything better than a 14 month old who does dinosaur voices?

He has also decided that I am "The Mom I Throw Up On" and OD is "The Mom Who Reads Stories The Right Way"--he's been known to tear books from my grasp mid-reading and hand them to her. It's cute and funny though it does nothing for my battered self-esteem.

after-math

1 self-removed diaper and logical conclusion of that incident
425 raisins consumed
18 dates consumed
249 cheerios ground into carpet
8293 styrofoam packing peanuts scattered
_____
=result of one mistimed nap and phone interview

"amuse yourself, kid," I said.
"we're, uh, rated highly by working mother magazine," she said.

yes, he takes special mischief lessons

Just now I attempted to distract my child by filling his highchair tray with raisins and cheerios, hoping for long enough to check my email [neglect rating:1]. glancing back from the screen to the child I find him standing in his seat, grinning and signing "sit".

"Sit down!" I say.

"NO!" he shouts.

I'm in for it.

more good things

1- I needed new 'interview' clothes (aka not Ill-Fitting Jeans(tm)) so I went to the special store for ladies of my size and damn, it is nice to try on clothes that don't make you feel like a mutant freak. Plus I think they have special look-good mirrors there. If I had money I'm sure I would buy a lotta clothes over there.
2- Sleeping in. Is awesome.
3- I feel like I'm accomplishing something just by attaching my resume and hitting 'send'

file under: blogs on blogs

some blogs rub me the wrong way. yet, I can't stop reading and imagining bitchy comments I would write if i were a [more] terrible person.

I've had comments deleted before on blogs, but it wasn't because they were mean. I was trying to be funny and I was *perceived* as mean, or so I figure. something about my delivery is way off.

also a friend of mine started a blog like last week and already has more comments than I have ever had in my life. therefore, she is winning the popularity contest. doesn't that just burn me up.

I can't link, because she doesn't read here. (I am much too embarrassed to tell some people about my blog. because of the swearing and because of the endless complaining I do. if you're reading already, it's too late to fool you. but i don't swear around everyone.)

but wtf, seriously, last week she was asking me what bloglines was and what 'hits' meant, this week, she's drowning in readers! what's that about? how the hell did you all find her? I can see you're all subscribed.

(actually I know she is more interesting than I am. i am just whining)

The Good Things About Being Caught in a Massive Layoff

-people are very sympathetic and tell you all about "the one time I got laid off,"
-gossip spreads: free networking with no awkward cold calling!
-everyone sends farewell emails addressed "To the best coworkers ever!", and you can pretend they meant you too
-quick way out of that pesky health insurance nonsense

ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

In answer to Christine's question: nope. unless you count the free boxes! they gave us to put our meager possessions into. Free boxes! woo!

nothing interesting happened...early meeting, quick announcement, awkward joking (I am putting that skill on my resume), and interminable waiting for our turn in the exit interview room. The end! or is it?

Well yes, I won't be back to linger or tie up any loose ends. Took all my stuff, said bye. Sent my pathetic draft of a resume to a resume service. Spent the rest of the afternoon on craigslist and bookbuilders. Keep an eye out folks.

and what does one wear to such an occasion?

I slept poorly, but not for the reason you think! It is because today is the layoff day. We're not sure whether Friday will be our last day? or if we'll have to take our stuff and go? I'm taking my backpack just in case. One would think that we would actually be asked to finish our projects. But on the other hand it would be bad business to have a bunch of short timers hanging around, all pissed off and glum. So it's anyone's guess, about the details. The Facts are that in just two hours I can stop worrying and start panicking!

Not On Hiatus--Just Lazy

I don't post, but it doesn't mean anything, except that I'm not creative. The death of a blog is a sad thing. Although karen of NO is back (as cheek), RIF is gone, finslippy (W!) is 'on a break', and croncast is running out its last 50 shows. Doesn't everyone inside the computer know they exist for my entertainment??
I'm flailing about trying to remember how people get jobs. Turns out they write these things? called resumes? and cover letters? I am so screwed.

ME EAT HOUSE.

This house is so cute I want to stomp on it like godzilla.
I don't know where he keeps anything but ISN'T IT THE CUTEST?



I love the position that a small home reduces my consumption. it helps me not feel terrible about having my familiy in baby condo (with no outdoor space period). When I go to peoples houses and they have...another bathroom...another story..playroom...parking...and a yard....oh I feel like a terrible failure. imagine raising a child without a backyard. MONSTROUS. So I focus on the smaller carbon footprint.
please don't tell me that a yard could actually decrease my resource usage or carbon output. I am a sensitive flower and will cry.

Ok, sounds good [you giant douchebag]

"...amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards..."
-Huckabee

Oh absoLUTEly, and WHY haven't we thought of this before?? I took the liberty of getting a head start!!



First order of business! New capital of USA is Mt. Olympus. It's the dwelling place of the gods!
Secondly, nine justices of the supreme court? Out! nine high priests of AHURA MAZDA? IN, BABY!!
Then, obviously, every fourth November will bring not a presidential election, but anointing of the god-king. THE MORE GODS, THE BETTER, RIGHT HUCKABEE??

minus one telephone

When the phone tree called tonight to tell OD that there is no school tomorrow, she was so excited she apparently hurled the telephone to the ground. Now the boy has one new toy, and we have one less phone. And no school! Totally worth it. I still have work. Maybe my new job should be in a school....yeah, that's the ticket...

Mmmmmm, Pizza

That murder pizza kid pled guilty for a short sentence. The end of a weird story. Don't drink and fight, kids! Also: if you are stabbed, call an ambulance, do not try to drive to a hospital. That's not a good plan.

it's peanut butter jelly time!

anyone read this?

i dunno, does it mean I can dispense with packing lunches and just send peanut butter smeared on a playing card?

even if it's all true--probably can't let anyone see me feeding a toddler nuts. Dr. Disapprobation From Other Mothers trumps all those germans!! ha!

so. cold.

today was cold enough to freeze my ipod. Also, and I don't know if this was related to the cold, the train shut its door on a woman's arm and when I tried to pry it open THE TRAIN BEGAN TO MOVE. Everyone started to scream and it stopped. The End. I think she was scared though. I would have been really, really pissed.

Mittens are great but sometimes I think I would like mittens made of hot lava, because I feel that is the only thing warm enough for my poor, constricted vessels.

We have a rental car for the week because we are finally getting the body damage fixed on little blue car. The rental car is pretty small and lame. Um, what else? We are finally getting a will next week. How embarassing we don't already have one. But now we will. Ha ha get it? It will be a relief. I am a worst-case-scenario person, after all. We also went to a financial planner. That was also a relief in its own way, though you Do Not Want To Know what college is going to cost in 2024. If you are interested in a financial planner, let me know. They are not just for people who swim laps in a pool of gold coins.

happy new year for the tired and lazy

Shut the door on a year that was good but which made me very, very tired.

I resolve to continue an excellent record of water conservation by continuing to never, ever, wash the car.

The boy--no longer a baby but a Real Boy--added a few adorable and some not adorable tricks to his bag.
He calls us 'mama' or sometimes 'nananananananananana'.
He started saying please.
He also started amazing shrieking when denied things.
His favorite food is Whatever You're Eating Right This Minute Give It To Me Now.
His Aunt gave him a toy cell phone for christmas...and...well....see for yourself.



Gee, do you think he likes it?
After I peeled it out of the fortress of packaging, he screeched, turned to the Aunt in question, and said fairly clearly, "Thank You!"

He's a really great guy like that, see.

He also got a New Year's Day hair trim. Don't hate us. It was getting really uneven. He looked like nothing so much as Dilbert's pointy haired boss on some occasions. Now he looks like a big boy. Which he is getting to be.

If you have a job opening for someone who has few real skills, but is very good at solving small problems, email me OK?

I think i'm nearly done

I got this for my sister:



baby's getting this

The BIL is getting These and these
plus some carbon offsets cuz that's how he rolls.

Someone's kid is getting an item close to this but I couldn't find an exact picture.

And for the yankee swap? I got this ridiculous object:


I very briefly hesitated to actually give it away because the kid decided it was his New Best Friend. But hello, who wants crap in their house, adored or not? It's gone, baby, gone.

Thanks to everyone who made suggestions.
Next year I am going on shutterfly and buying twenty calendars and calling it a day. Damn. I hate shopping.

Six Hour Tour

At Three PM on Thursday, OD left her work with the kid, bound for home--a ten mile trip.

At Six PM, she called me at home to say she was halfway.

At Seven PM, she called to say that she was in the same location she had previously called from.

At Seven-ten PM, I packed a bottle of milk, a cup of hot cocoa, the baby's snowsuit and boots, and four charcoal handwarmers in a backpack, and departed the house to play St. Bernard dog in the Alps.

At Seven-forty PM, I found them in Brookline, still stuck in traffic.

At Nine-ten PM, we arrived home and began digging a spot to put our car.

We tired, yo.

Uh, I know it's in central asia?

Something I ordered for someone accidentally got shipped to Uzbekistan. Uzbekistan! that is a JOKE COUNTRY.

Progress

Stayed up late on Amazon.com.
This is a dog toy for a dog owning relative.

On rec from caramama, for my grandfather:

This is for my dad. It is about the multiverse.

This is a funny book

Here is a book for Unkie Jer. You would be surprised at the selection in this category at amazon. He will find it funny but hopefully not useful.


This is for my mom but I am worried she already has it.


And then.. I want this for a friend's kid but...it is unavailable. Boo.



OD's mom gets this


tk:
outdoorsy brother in law
sister
hippie friend and her kid
sister in law

More and more and more

It has been a terrible horrible very bad no good weekend chez mclazy. Someone had a Very Bad Cold and we ended up in the ER, where it suddenly didn't seem as bad as it had at home, but still. Anyway it was just a cold but, you know, bad.

So the result is that my brain is completely fried. I left the keys hanging from the trunk of the car all night on Friday. My neighbors brought it in in the morning. Thank goodness it was too cold for car thieves to be out. Then we forgot to pay our condo dues. Embarrassing. Then OD locked herself out of the house while I was at the grocery store. Brilliant! We should probably be kept away from open flames until we regenerate some brain cells.

Caramama has kindly posted a few more suggestions:
1. humorous items at:despair.com
They are hysterical spoofs on the regular motivational stuff. SO funny! I'm thinking of getting the calendar!

2. Book: Legacy of Ashes, which is a behind the scenes look at the CIA.

3. there are these cool keychains that store and show digital pictures.

4. And the magazine subscription I'm getting my sis is Brain, Child

Many thanks for the suggestions. I am examining them all. Although I seriously thought this pudding would be more popular? Folks on the haircare Yahoo group are crazy for it. It's purple you know.

Hi Larious

I should really be choosing the yankee swap item from among the selections highlighed at
http://www.disturbingauctions.com/daily/

perhaps the older ladies in my office will not be amused, but I will laugh and laugh for days to see them unwrapping, say, this:

Or This:



oh man that would be awesome.

I still have pudding, there are now two pudding candidates, though one claims not to need the pudding. The game is afoot!

My sister is a vegan-punk-artist type. My father is a bit of the conspiracy theorist who enjoys reading about string theory, origins of the universe, and books by Richard Dawkins. My grandfather is a bit bourgeois and enjoys the latest hard to get item that will make him look cool to his fancy friends.

Continued

more suggestions, from thatmommy.

"Because we are unoriginal, we are doing the digital photo frame and an entertaining flash drive for my parents(a hippie van for dad, TBD for mom) and a new palm-held GPS and one of these for my partner's geocaching, gadget loving dad. There seem to be lots of USB gadgets around these days.

And because we are mean, boring parents, the kids are getting mostly useful stuff or outdoor toys.
So far, we've picked up a toddler toboggan, some sandbox toys, like this one: a new ride-on toy, an aqua-doodle, and some accessories to things the kids already have(more blocks, more Little People, dinky cars). Most were etoys.com purchases. I think the only things left that we intend to buy are a few DVDs, some new D0ra and Diego sippy cups and some books.

And princess pull-ups, by special request of the potty-trained toddler. (My kid is weird.)"

Building the Better Gift Catalogue.

Here are Clementine's excellent suggestions. They may not all suit my strange family, but I am linking them all for the greater good.

I don't need the pudding, but here are some possible gift ideas:

--A fluffy book possibility for your sister: Getting Over It by Anna Maxted. It's v. funny but also makes me cry. It's definitely chick-litish, though, so be careful if she hates that kind of crap. (Me? I love it. Total guilty pleasure.)

--I asked for a Be Good Tonyas CD--they're Canadian and sort of bluegrassy. Not cool, but lovely nonetheless.

--Have you checked out the wonder of Etsy? I'm forever drooling over stuff on there. There are gazillions of gorgeous handmade things on that site. Scarves, t-shirts, hair clips, bags, etc. Love it. I once had a link to the place in my sidebar before I broke the hell out of my template

--And speaking of handmade things, I like the store Magpie in Davis Sq. They're v. expensive, but I like them anyway (plus then I can visit that new cupcake store! I love their lemon good luck cupcakes).I want cupcakes now. NOW.

--I don't know about gadgets, though I do know Petunia swears by her Creative Zen MP3 player (I think that's what the cool kids call them, anyway).Ah yes. My dad has already used and destroyed one of these suckers. OD's is lost...possibly in the robbery but we couldn't remember. Hmmm.

--Hand-embroidered t-shirts are wicked easy and v. cheap, too. I use the Sublime Stitching patterns cuz I super suck at drawing, but if you can freehand it you'll be even better off. I did one for my best friend this year and I know she's going to pee when she sees it.hand....embroidered??? oh boy. in my other, more accomplished life, I hope. Good for you. Holy cats. hand embroidered.

--I've been stalking Nova Naturals' website for the baby; they have some wooden toys and Waldorf dolls for decent prices, and it's all natural/hippy/Fair Trade/organic crap there. True confession: I spent 2 hours on Friday night looking for a cheap but nice Waldorf doll for the E-meister. I finally bought one from the Nova Naturals' site; it was easily $10 cheaper than any other doll I saw.I don't know what a waldorf doll is, but there is some cute hippie shit on this site. I will be able to find something for my hippie friend's kid. brill.

--For anyone who can handle sugar: Anything from Burdicks Chocolates or Lake Champlain Chocolates. Harbor Sweets are great, too.Dude. you don't have to tell me about the harbor sweets. we ate up all of them the day after you brought them. Awesome.

--Most people I know love their Crocs, so those are always a good gift option in my family/circle of friends. my dad likes his too. he's like, why don't you have some? But I think I would be cold. I am always cold.

--Also, my new favorite gift: Magazine subscriptions! My favorite is Bust, but I'll pony up for mainstream pubs as well. It may be too early to get the kid a magazine. But I want to. My mom usually gives me Cook's Illustrated. OD usually gives me national geo. They have National Geo 'little kids'. It is full of ffff's.

--Other things I like: Making a donation in someone's name (I'm hoping to make a gift of honeybees to Heifer International for my brother and his fiancee); handmade scarves; homemade hot cocoa (I have a rad recipe--email me if you want it); gift cards to favorite stores (I'm finding that even indie shops have these now, as do online retailers like ReproDepot). So yes, last year we gave the bees to my mother in law and she was completely non-impressed. Next time she gets ACTUAL bees. In a dog's mouth and when he barks he shoots bees at you.

Okay. Those are v. generic gift ideas, but you didn't give us too many details. If you want to say more, I can (maybe) be more helpful.

Good luck!
Oh also, I need something VERY VERY STUPID and hilarious for that horrible, horrible game they make you play at work. Where everyone brings something crummy and you pass around and stuff? I want to bring something so astoundingly awful that it becomes awesome. A weeping clown on velvet. Dancing hamster thing. These hideous candles. One year someone brought a Successories poster and I laughed and laughed. Then I found out it was a non-ironic contribution and felt bad. But seriously? Those are jokes right?

Never Too Late

The pudding still going begging.

Long time reader(s) may recall that last year, we bailed on xmas and bought no gifts.
Now I'm out of practice, I have no idea what to get people. I don't even know what the cool kids are wearing these days. (I suspect they are not wearing ill fitting jeans decorated with spitup and hummus). what does my sister need? probably not a fistful of paperclips. but that's what she'll get if I have to do this alone. My mom will get all the socks that don't match up anymore.

I need help...even if you don't need puddin.

but it is a nice pudding for those with supa-curly hair. perhaps you could make it a gift for someone yourself.

Shopping Scavenger Hunt with PRIZE

I was shipped a very expensive product by mistake.
they are sending me my real item, but they do not want this one back.
Product here.
It is the 16 ounce bottle. Never opened! NIB!

It is not quite two hundred forty dollas worth of puddin', but it's a lot of pudding.

I don't need the pudding but I do need help shopping. So point me to the neatest coolest hardest to find items on the web today, and the pudding can be yours. Send as many 'entries' as you like. I am in the market for baby/toddler things, weird gadgets for my dad, really funny books, and any gadget or tool that makes my life easier (hint: i'm a disorganized slob).

With the amount of traffic I get here, odds of winning are greatly on your side. So go forth! and possess stupidly expensive hair product!

And sorry to the lady in Oklahoma who is missing her pudding. I am sure they will send you your proper items if you give them a call.

What, you're too good to be a member of a marginalized group now?

does this ever happen to anyone else? You call up or run into someone you've been out of touch with for a long time, and she looks really nervous to see you, and after beating around the bush for a while, finally she mumbles through her fist that she's living with her "boyfriend"??
I get the sense that people think I will shun them for not being gay anymore. Like what am I going to say? "Aw man, you used to be cool! What happened?"

I mean I might, but I might not.

Also, what the hell, aren't there any nice single ladies in LA?

happy birthday Mr. Man

here's what you do:
you sign more, milk, book, sing, thank you, apple...in your own way
you say more, dog, thank you, i love you, mama...in your own way
you desire spicy food, milk, yogurt, laptop, guitar, violin, dogs, cats, tricycle, vacuum cleaner, and hugs
you stack blocks, you knock them down, you pretend to read books, you bang your guitar like a mini Pete Townshend, you ride your trike but only backwards, you make car sounds and I didn't teach it to you, you laugh so hard you fall on the floor and bang your noggin and you keep on laughing, you wake mama up at midnight for no good reason, you play somewhat avant garde songs on the recorder, you let your cousin pick you up by the head just because you worship big kids.

you are the best kid that ever was
and we love you.

ha ha ha ha ha ha wheeze

Julie linked to this and I laughed so hard I had to go lie down, then I came back and finished reading it, and I sprained a rib.

oh dear.

I'm posting this late because I have something else to post in about twenty minutes.

Neeeeeeever mind

Oh hiiiiiii. How aaaaaare you? Oh your little todog is adoooooooorable. What? It's Godot? Oh what an interesting name. So, which of you is staying home with him? Oh you both have jobs? Oh that must be soooo harrrrd. Oh I could neeeeever do that. Oh, but you're doing great, really. Just great. So what does he like to do? Really? Play with cars? Oh how neat. Ginger is getting into writing music, isn't she, aren't you, Ginger? Oh Ginger, don't touch Todog's little car. No no, it's dirty, don't touch. Oh, I mean, you can never be too careful, you know? Oh I'm sure you're careful. But still you just never know. Ginger! come down from there! No, I know Todog is on the swings...but the swings are closed for us today. We don't want to get wet and dirty, do we? Oh, not that it's bad. It's just...you know. Oh yes she is very verbal. Oh, look at that, he's signing for milk, is he? How cute. Ginger, how do we say "Good Afternoon" in Czech? No, that's "Good Evening". So you must be happy now he's 12 months and sleeping through the night. Oh he isn't? Oh my, that's sooooo harrrd. Oh but just as long as you don't let him cry! You never let him cry do you? Oh I could neeeeeeever. No, Ginger sleeps really well. Well, it's all about being in tune with them, isn't it? Anticipating their neeeeeds. Ginger never cried, we had a really good emotional connection, you know? Well, maybe it's harder for you, because you didn't have the pregnancy to bond. Not that that's bad. I'm sure it's really great. But I could neeeeeeever.

"I don't know the real words!"

As sung by OD.

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly
I don't know why
she swallowed a fly
I hope she'll die


HA!!!

We interrupt the dumb stories hour....

...to bring you a gift shopping guide for someone who may have lost a finger in a log-splitting incident.

-finger puppets
-finger paint
-chinese finger trap
-little box with a hole cut out where you put your finger to scare someone
-fingerless gloves
-book about fingerspelling
-finger cots
-nail polish
-trip to finger lakes

The One Time My Sister Lost Her Bear, And I Found It, And Revealed The Finding At Great Personal Risk

My sister as a little child had this kind of ugly teddy bear she called "white bear" (we were creative. my item was called "yellow blanket". laaaame). I went to the elementary school, I was in the 3rd or 4th grade, so she would have been 3 or 4. She went to a preschool across the street, and both schools shared the playground. So one day she came home from preschool with no bear. No bear!! I think she kept my mother up all night. This was before ebay and no replacement bear could be found. It was a disaster. She didn't sleep for days.
Then one day I (through no fault of my own, obviously) ended up sitting writing lines or something in the principal's office. On the desk where I was working was a bear just like the missing one.
So there I was with a third grade dilemma. Do I go home and tell my mother that my principal has a bear in her office, and possibly knows where to buy them, thus revealing that I had been sent to the office?? or do I keep my mouth shut??
I told my mom. She went straight into the principal's office and begged to know where the bear had come from. Turned out, the bear had been found on the playground--it was the same dumb bear.
All I got for being sent to the principal's office was a tight-lipped "hmmmmmmmm" a la Marge Simpson.
The funny thing is my sister remembers it all differently. If you asked her she'd probably say I tore the stupid bear from her hands and hid it myself. All her memories are me as a complete bitch.

The One Time I Took The Wrong Train And It Was Really Cold Out

One time in the winter when it was about 5 degrees out, I accidentally got on the wrong train at Back Bay. The commuter rail is designed for commuters: people who do it every day and know what the hell they're doing. They understand which trains come when and where. Dumdums like me stand helplessly on the platform hoping that the train arriving at 4:52 is the 4:56 to Franklin and not the 4:47 to Needham. And we are always wrong. At some point during the ride, when I looked out the window and saw a very non-urban landscape flying by, I panicked, and got off at the next stop--not thinking that there was no real station building: just a place to stand and freeze. The next train in the other direction wouldn't come for like an hour. I called a taxi but forty-five minutes later, having lost six toes to frostbite, I figured they weren't really coming. I was very, very cold and sad. I may have mentioned before that I am a crybaby. So I cried.

And then a very nice woman let me sit in her truck to warm up. She was waiting for her husband. When he came, they gave me a ride to the next station. Wasn't that nice? What nice people. I am embarrassed that I cried though. But it was SO COLD.

The One Time My Parents Let Us Stay Home Alone On New Year's Eve

One time when I was 11, my parents--probably unable to find a sitter--said that I could stay home alone on New Year's Eve with my cousin (also 11) and my sister and her brother (both 7), while the adults went out. People used to do stuff like this, I really don't think it was considered that neglectful. Anyway, it was a cold night, with a beautiful cover of thick fresh snow on the ground. The four of us played outside in the snow, enjoying the lack of supervision and having a snowball fight. And then we did that stupid thing that kids in the snow do because they don't know any better, and started throwing snowballs at passing cars. What a bunch of brats, right? We mostly missed, but eventually one missile found its target...and the car screeched to a stop in the middle of the road.
oops.
The occupants of the car jumped out, and started throwing beer bottles at us. We shrieked and raced back into the house where we hid for the rest of the night.

It was an awesome New Year's Eve.

The One Time I Didn't Get To Go To The Second-Grade Ice Cream Sundae Party

One time in the second grade, my second grade teacher attempted to encourage everyone in the class to memorize their times tables by promising that everyone who passed the test would get an ice cream sundae party at the end of the year! Woo! The teacher's carrot method must have worked because 23 out of 24 seven year olds learned their math facts. And one day in June I had to listen to everyone sharing a laugh about how Jake had sprayed Brie with whipped cream from a can! Hilarious!!! I have never felt so left out in my life.

I do know my times tables now. I believe someone owes me a sundae. AND MY PRIDE.

The One Time A Guy In France Kept Calling

One time, we started getting messages on our answering machine from a man named Albert, who spoke in French. I wished I had studied harder in school because I could not understand him at all. Sometimes we were home when he called and I tried to explain that he had the wrong number. It probably sounded something like this to him:
Me: Pardon me, you are soaking in number!
Albert: Who the hell are you?
Me: Thank you welcome mystery and gumballs!

It was a little funny for me, but probably very frustrating for Old French Albert. Eventually I felt bad that I could not make myself understood and I turned to the wisest of sages, Google. Google informed me that just one digit off from my number was a listing for "French lessons". So, I called the number and informed the very surprised man that Albert was trying to reach him. Albert turned out to be his father in law, who apparently has very thick dialing fingers.

Albert calls less and less all the time.

The One Time I Got A Whole Case of Brownies Free

One time, I was at Walgreens, and apparently had had no sugar for five or six minutes, so I purchased a new item, which was a brownie with chocolate chips in it. I saved it the whole way home, which is tricky for me. So I got home, unstrapped the world's heaviest baby and put him for a nap, and then sat down to eat my brownie. It was moldy! I was so bummed. But there I was sitting around the house with nothing to do, and a sad sack treat I couldn't eat. So I picked up the phone and called the number on the back of the wrapper. Someone actually answered, and I spun my sad sad tale in a plaintive tone. The woman was very apologetic and said she would send me a new brownie, and took my address. The next day, the nice fedex man brought a huge box which contained an ice-cooled CASE of brownies.

Oh man that was a good day.

The One Time I Nearly Killed Everyone And Got Stuck In a Ditch and Then Removed From The Ditch By Silent Bob

One time, I was driving a terrible, terrible rental car-chosen because it was the dirt-cheapest option- on Valentine's day from Boston to Vermont. I had OD in the car as well as a couple of other friends who were bumming a ride. The presence of the four of us probably doubled the weight of the car. I don't think I need to tell you that cheap cheap rental cars don't come with snow tires...they barely come with tires. Anyway, it was snowing seriously and the car's flimsiness was making itself felt. Somewhere in New Hampshire, on a thankfully deserted road, the other three occupants woke up as we gently spun 780 degrees to a stop in the middle of the highway. And what's the smartest thing to do when you're halfway home and clearly in way over your tiny car's head? Straighten out and keep going, of course. And so I did. We saw several more spinouts and ditched cars along the way, but felt a need to press on. Right between exits 13 and 14--about three miles from my parents' house--I had finally taken it too far. In slow motion, the roller skate slid off the edge of the road into a gully. It was so slow and so gentle that I could barely call it an accident--more like a detour. On the other hand, we were totally stuck. We could push it, but not enough to jump back up onto the road. And despite it being about 11 PM, people began stopping to give advice and make me feel very, very stupid. Eventually, there were like three random guys and a state trooper, tsk-tsking at the dumdum college kid who couldn't drive in snow. As I stood there wondering how long it would take me to walk up to the mobil mart and call my dad (this was before cell phones), a pickup truck pulled to a stop next to us. As I braced for another barrage of advice, a large bearded man got out of his truck, pulled out a chain, hitched it to his truck and our car, and pulled us back onto the road, unhitched his chain, got in his truck, and drove off--all without saying a single word. I convinced the state trooper that we were four minutes from home, please just let me go burn quietly in embarrassment there, please, and he let us leave, though he followed us.

And I never, ever told my mother that my terrible driving almost got us all killed and YOU'D BETTER NOT TELL HER EITHER, I MEAN IT.

The One Time I Thought I Would Be Banned From Trader Joes

One time, I thought I was going to get banned from Trader Joes. I was wandering around examining all their exotic foodstuffs and found myself in the wine section. In the wine section they often stack cases of wine on the endcaps and cut the sides away to reveal the bottles. I reached into one of these boxes and lifted out a bottle of wine--the keystone bottle, apparently, because the entire display came smashing down. Glass and wine and corks and hot, hot shame flew everywhere. I stood there holding the one bottle and said to the poor employee, "I didn't mean to!"
They let me off the hook but I avoided TJs for a loooooooooong time.

The One Time A Dream Came True

One time, I had a dream that came true, but not in a good way. You know that dream where you are lost, or late, trying to find the testing room for a big exam? Or you are taking an exam that makes no sense? Once I woke up about an hour late for an exam, and I ran to the classroom, and the guy outside who hands out the packets had already put them all back in the big box, and I made pathetic face, and he gave it to me, with 45 minutes left in the testing period...and I sat down, and opened it up, and realized I might as well have slept through the rest of it, and I totally failed. It was a not a good dream to have come true.

The One Time I Met Someone From Road Rules

One time, I met someone from Road Rules, the one in Australia. I was at work when I heard someone shout "Hello Shirky!" and then a second person shout "Hello Shirky!" It was a woman I used to work with and she introduced me to the second person, who was her sister, and who was on Road Rules, the one in Australia. I have never met anyone else from TV before or since. That was my entire television-celebrity experience.

The One Time I Ate Sheep Testicles

One time, I ate sheep testicles
tasted like hot dogs.
what that says about hot dogs, I do not speculate.
Also ate some brain, heart, lung, pancreas, intestine, stomach, kidney, and liver. And the head. The stomach was grossest.
The butchering part was like biology class.
sorry, sheep.