My cat's breath smells like cat food!

one of many relatives on facebook posts shit like:

Well, this might be a little vague but in psychoanalysis there is a long-standing distrust of the "golden rule" (glossing Dr. Tyler) of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Speaking with my therapist, (he. he.) there is the "platinum rule": do unto others as THEY would LIKE to have done unto them. This is to say that to presume to ... Read Moreknow what your sometimes inscrutable Neighbor wants is nothing less than to narcissistically project yourself onto them. Moreover, it is to "domesticate" or colonize this other person in a way that is illiberal or extremely dictatorial. Dr. Tyler also uses this as a talking point for Kant and the "categorical imperative." . .

Should I feel dumb? Irritated? Dunno, but I do feel a burning need to comment on each and every one with "lol your funny!!!11!!"

you know, just to bring it down a notch. because COME ON.

Another One Bites the Dust

kid: Bumblebee go outside. Julian help me widda shovel.
me: uh oh.
kid: Bumblebee got all dry. Inna shell.
me: ew?
kid: He died. I'm sorry. [gives me side-hug]

note to preschools everywhere: maybe more robust pets are in order.
note to remaining turtle: watch your back.

The Saga of Pork Chop

OD comes home telling me that the kid's class has three turtles as pets.

me: tell me about your turtles
kid: pochapgoousiiiiide
me: what? something outside?
kid: pochapgooSIIIIIDE
me: how about the turtle's names. Tell me their names.
kid: simba, bumblebee, PORK CHOP
me: ohhhhhh. Pork Chop go outside. I get it now. Wait, why was Pork Chop outside anyway?
kid: Pork Chop go outside. I getta shovel.
me: uh. I hope you are making up stuff again.