Saturday, July 29, 2006

Friday, July 28, 2006

Dear Cat-sweatshirt people

(tm Mimi Smartypants)

Besides being absolutely gross, what does finding a dead ladybug in my purse mean?


Friday, July 21, 2006

Ass of the Day!

Today's champion is:


Come collect your lovely prize! A kick in the nuts, from me to you!

his winning entry

Sunday, July 16, 2006

my ebay advice to the world

If you're anything like me, you never read an ebay seller's feedback until a month has gone by since you paid for your ridiculous item with no sign of a package on your doorstep. Then, when you realize you may have bought something from the ebay equivalent of the guy who sells stolen library books down in the Common, you go and read all the feedbacks they've every gotten.
My advice to the world is to read what has been written, and then multiply it times "fuckin' A".
Everyone on ebay is a big ol wuss and is afraid to put down anything accurately negative. Or else someone will say something nasty back. Feedback deterrent. So when you read:
Was a bit testy in emails
you should think:
Writes in all caps, calls mother a whore

When you read:
Slow shipping
you should think:
Start your christmas shopping in May

When you read:
Some miscommunication
You should think:
Seller is dead, corpse does not answer emails

When you read:
Item arrived slightly damaged
you should think:
Seller employs a grizzly bear as packer/shipper.

When you read:
Item not as described
you should think:
Item was actually anthrax

My other advice to the world is, stay away from ebay. It is a delicious drug, but still a drug.

Thursday, July 13, 2006


As you can see, I have done 7 characters. Or one week of waiting.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

idle hands

We're settling in for a long eighteen month wait. (I figure, it's better to have low expectations. Then, a pleasant surprise is possible) So, I have invented a project to occupy me.

This project will keep me busy for over one month and also decorate the walls of the second bedroom at the same time. How efficient!

Every day I'm making one of these:

And every day I'm hanging one up on the wall:

You can't see the elaborate system for aligning these properly. It involves thread and tape. Very sophisticated.

The problem is that nice as these look, I am still shaky on what they sound like. But the idea is that the kid will see them every day and become A GENIUS. My wife has a belief that bright colors make you smarter. I have a belief that other languages make you smarter. Obviously, our child will be an UNSTOPPABLE SUPER GENIUS. But in a good way.

Anyway, there are 36 letters I'm doing. So this will take 36 days. And then, there will be only about 452 days left to wait. No sweat, right?

Friday, July 07, 2006

to take the sting off NY and GA rulings

"Conscientious and nurturing adults, whether they are men or women, heterosexual or homosexual, can be excellent parents. The rights, benefits, and protections of civil marriage can further strengthen these families."

thanks, opa.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Surly Bird

You know what store I hate? Pearl. Aren't those retail workers lazy and arrogant? Or maybe they all just hate me in particular. Either way I always forget how much I hate them until I'm already in the store, climbing over half-unpacked boxes of stock to get to the dusty, shelfworn item I want, and then standing in line behind someone returning 75 tubes of paint while the cashiers one-up each other with ohmygodiwassodrunklastnight tales. I always swear I won't go back but I do. Cause I'm dumb like that.

Do you know what is fun? Fireworks! Plus, they make your mom grumble disapprovingly like Marge Simpson! Which is funny! Then you can tease her by hiding your fingers like they got blown off!

In related news, if anyone needs a gross of sparklers, call me. I may have gotten carried away at the Fireworks, Candy, and Puppydog Store. EVERYTHING WAS 2 FOR 1.