Sunday, December 21, 2008

Pointless complaint

The guy upstairs, despite being very normal and friendly in person, is an email jerk. I bet he doesn't even realize. But every email he sends is bossy and curt. A couple months ago he sent around this email saying "whoever has been using the trash cans please put them out on trash night." Whoever has been using the trash cans? Do someone people not produce trash? Do YOU not produce trash, dude? Really? Kudos, buddy. Whay to be green but seriously. CHILL. Last month he was really irritable because some tradesperson still had his phone number and not mine (I am currently serving out my sentence as building president) and kept sending increasingly short and snippy messages about it; like, whatever, dude, I have given them my number and honestly is it that big a deal if they call occasionally? Just tell them sorry wrong number, right? And now today he is emailing me telling me I need to thank the snowblower guy. Ok, on the face of it that's reasonable but then wait hold on a second--if you feel grateful to the fellow just say thank you. Don't email someone else to do it for you. You're going to leave it up to me? And anyway it just seems bossy. Tellin' me what to do. I am not a fan.

He's a nice guy in person though, like I said, so I find this baffling.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Facebook continues to jump shark

I've mentioned before that facebook is not as cutting edge as I once thought
but seriously
my grandmother just friended me

Sunday, December 14, 2008

The real reason the churches resent Darwin

On Sunday mornings before noon, the Harvard museums are all free. Free I tell you! So that is where you find us, along with half the toddler population of Cambridge, at the Natural History/Peabody complex.

Harvard's Museum of Natural History galleries (and the upper floors of the Ethnography museum) have been largely untouched by modern museum practices. They do not have carefully curated, minimalist exhibits with guided learning. They have huge glass cases stuffed to the gills with dusty, musty, sawdust-leaking taxidermy surrounded by mothballs. And it is fabulous. It is like a big, indoor, dimly-lit zoo where the animals all hold still to be observed instead of hiding behind trees. The hippopotamus is cracked at the seams but it doesn't keep a certain someone from sprinting toward it yelling EPPAPAMUS!

There are some corners which have been slightly updated, though, including the Hall of Vertebrate Paleontology (DINOSAURS! RAR!), and they have a jolly crew of volunteer interpreters--elderly people and teenagers--who follow you around eager to share their knowledge. It's the same folks every week and by now they recognize us. They know that I will stand about five feet back from the Pet A Live Giant Millipede table while Mr. Fearless will elbow aside four 8-year-olds in order to get a front-row seat. They read nature stories at 11 and they have dinosaur teeth you can touch.

I don't think that much of the educational bit is sinking in with the boy at this point; he's just as interested in sitting on the benches in the hall of birds to watch big kids go by as he is in looking at the specimens. He has his favorites though--the aforementioned hippo; the moose; the yak; and of course the monkeys. He seems to like pretending to be scared a little; he kept insisting that a monk seal (whose glass eyes actually give him a goofy aspect) was going to bite off his arm. Whatever dude, that seal has been dead since 1911.

If you're looking for a place to go on Sunday mornings that isn't a religious place, can't get much better than this free, fun, and mildly creepy joint.





Saturday, December 13, 2008

junk solution

If you have junk to be rid in a great hurry of may I recommend the Free listings on craigslist. Last night I posted this and within ten minutes someone had claimed it. Faster than leaving it on the street on trash night! Less fussy than Freecycle! I also received twenty other inquiries, one "WTF?" and one "Don't lose heart, Jesus loves you."

To sum up, craigslist is hungry for junk.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Where to even begin

Hey! As these children are warehoused in residential facilities and group homes and/or shuffled from one overcrowded foster home to another I'm sure they'll be thinking "Thank Jeebus at least I'm not being cared for by a single person or a gay couple!!! And thank the Invisible Pink Unicorn my abusers voted to keep it that way!!!"

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

I effed up

forgetfulness and 'someone else will do it' disease have conspired to leave me newspaperless today. I've been to all the all night drugstores and grocery stores and all the street boxes, obviously they are all gone. do you think people will sell them on ebay??

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Story of Chicken Nugget

When I offer the boy chicken he says:
"chicken NUGGet!"

I must state for the record that although he has had pizza, french fries, ice cream, and sour patch kids he found on the bookshelf, I have never offered him a chicken nugget. He has obviously been frequenting the late night drive through on his own time.

I told my parents this and they thought it was funny.

Then my dad created a chicken nugget recipe extra crispy, froze the chicken nuggets, obtained dry ice, and my mother is driving down this weekend with chicken NUGGets. While it is not the only excuse she is using for doing so (something about canvassing New Hampshire for Obama), I believe it may be a factor.

Who are these people?!? If I had requested a chicken nugget as a child they would have said "Eat your meatloaf."

PS McCain can kiss NH goodbye if my mother is out there pushing Obama. She cannot be stopped.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Quiz Time

What do these three items have in common?








Answer:
If you are nearly two, they are all pronounced "FUCK".

Monday, October 13, 2008

Yeah, you lazy bums, wake up and get to it

Me: Mustache and Gramma have to leave. They have to go home.
Kid: Why?*
Me: Well, they have lots of work to do.
Kid: Why sleeping?

*the endless WHY has arrived.

Monday, October 06, 2008

I'm not saying health insurance companies are dumb, but....

My child (<2) today received a letter informing him that a good way to prevent asthma attacks is to quit smoking. It's never too late to quit smoking.

The fun is over

Recently joined Facebook, but now the relatives have found me. Topics now off limits to me on there are: politics; swearing; the existence of this blog.

CURSES!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

OH SNAP!

OD: Am I cute?

Boy: No! Mama cute. I cute.

(he and I can agree to disagree, though)

Friday, October 03, 2008

TM sarah palin

From now on when I get treated bad or dissed in any way due to Teh Gay, I'm going to say "I'm feeling kind of tolerated right now."

Monday, September 29, 2008

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Monday, September 08, 2008

Humorous Anecdote

Child: Want Elmo! Want Elmo! Want Elmo!

Me: (oh hell)

MIL: What does he want?

Me: He wants to watch Sesame Street. Do you get PBS?

MIL: Do they still have that show?

Me: Oh yeah.

MIL: They make new ones?

Me: Yep. Plus reruns. It's a big hit.

MIL: Do they still have Big Cock?

Me: mphgh?

MIL: Big Bird. The yellow chicken.

Me: Yep.


And with that, I leave you with this youtube video, in which Big C. and his sidekick Snuffleuphagus are two of the bitchiest sarcastic a-holes you went to high school with.

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Laziness in photo form!

At Gramma's house, I can eff with the violin? RULE.
AND throw things at ducks??
(I'm selling this one to the New York State Milk Board for ad campaigns)

Can't tell if he likes corn or not...

I dub thee...sir chicky
He's saying "DONKEY! EAT IT!!!!"

Monday, August 25, 2008

how not to get a job


from: xxxxx@xxxx.xxx
to: shirkymclazy@yahoo.com



i came across you add and was very indentured in the position

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

anarchist or anti-fiat-currency libertarian?

the boy took my wallet, removed the dollar bills (all both of them), crumpled them up and declared them to be "trash!"
Luckily I caught him on his way to the garbage can, but he was mum on whether motivated by simple anti-government feeling or a desire to move back to the gold standard. Or perhaps it was a comment on the current value of the USD.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Maybe he's been secretly adding to the netflix queue

Here's something creepy: a language-learning toddler whose new out of context phrase is "They're coming!"
repeat as necessary to create proper horror-movie foreshadowing.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

and candy for breakfast!

Am I a permissive parent? According to my child's tricycle, which slept in bed with him last night, YES.

Monday, July 21, 2008

What To Read And Why

The blogroll just sits there, and no one clicks.I cleaned it up, and below are reasonswhy I read (or don’t) each of them. Go on, click something new!

 

A little pregnant

-This was the one that led me to all the others.She used to maintain an incredible collection of parenting blog links, including a category devoted to adoption.  This is where it all started.  I even remember how I found her blog: it was a link off LOD’s blog, which was a link off Defective Yeti. PS she is hilarious

AfrIndie Mum

No longer active, but for a time very informative on adoption. Where’d she go? I don’t know!

American Family

Your basic slice of life/adoption blog.For a (short) time she ran another blog about induced lactation that was interesting.  But she changed her mind about doing it herself and the blog went dark.  But she’s still got this one.

and I wasted all that birth control...

I’ve read this one since her first tragic pregnancy.

Anti-Racist Parent - for parents committed to raising children

Lots of blogs get lamer over time  as people lose interest.This one is professional and has improved over time IMO.

baggageandbug.com

Read her since she was Cubbiegirl.

Bigger Than a Breadbox

I have the good fortune to know this one in real life.

clueless in carolina

Funny and sharp, great stories. She’s living through her mom’s alzheimer’s disease now,which is tragic but she remains interesting and determined throughout.

The Comics Curmudgeon

Hi-liarious, and don’t miss the comment of the week, one ofthe best bits.

The Commuter Blues

Another I know for reals!

Daddy, Papa and Me

The first gay adoptive parent blog I found.Check out his elaborate (to put it mildly) Harry-Potter-themed summer activity with his daughter (involves flying to London, holy crap)

Daily Fiber

Was a prospective adoption blog, went dark.

defective yeti

Funny dude, one of the first I read. I like the Bad Review Revue—the most scathing movie reviews collected in once place.

Do They Have Salsa in China?

Tons of cute photos and stories.Where does she find time? And the lunches! Gah! I hang myhead in shame.

DoctorMama

One of the most level-headed, with-it bloggers I read.Full of great, sensible doctor bits of information.  She recommends an approach to beginning running. Maybe someday when I feel less exhausted.

dooce

Who doesn’t read dooce? Come on.  I can say I read it before it was a shopping/photo blog though.  I’m Old School.

Evil Mommy

Another smaller, down to earth adoption related blog.

finslippy

One of the funniest out there.  Alum of my college (where the funny ladies go)

Fluid Pudding

Also funny, and I think a unique style.She knits too, and I don’t really understand those posts.

Fussy

A big shot in blogland.

Geese Aplenty

One of the few dudes on the list.  So funny.

Gwen's Petty, Judgmental, Evil Thoughts

Read her since it was Gwentown.  It’s nice to watch someone’s life really unfold before you.

I Blame The Patriarchy

Is there any funnier writer on the subject of feminism?I think not.

Julia

Read this for years. She’s the jolliest of bloggers in spite of some real crappy times overthe years.  Impossibly smart older child, impossibly cute younger children. 

Laid-Off Dad

One of the originals. 

The Land of Milk and Poo

FKA Cheek, FKA Naked Ovary.  Was once an adoption blog.  Then a pregnancy blog. Now I suppose it will be a parenting blog in general.

Leery Polyp

Defunct I guess. Hey, you know how it is when you read blogs, it only takes a couple of little tiny things for you to form a total opinion of someone? Well, I’m afraid that tendency got thebetter of me in this case.  Shepraised Dr. Sears once too often for my taste and I guess I quit reading.Dr. Damn Sears and his Gender Roles.  Jeepers.

Moxie

Most of her efforts now on her advice blog, but this was her original deal.

Paleo-Future

Find this fascinating, it’s about images of the future…from the past!  My mind…she is blown!

Pam's House Blend

You know me. I’m a hippie liberal pinko. And here’s the blog links to prove it.

Pandagon

See above.

Parent Hacks

Once one of my hacks got published. I’m a celebrity!

passive-aggressive (and just plain aggressive) notes

The comments are as funny as the (batshit insane) notes themselves.

Round is funny

Quitter ! ha!

Shakesville

See above about liberal hippie pinkos

smartypants's diary

this is not even a proper blog.  It has an old school look and feel (remember “online diaries”?) and no comments.  It is killer funny, but caution when recommending it to your mom. She works blue.  

The Sneeze

Another guy. Steve, Don’t Eat It!  Is upthere with cockeyed for “hilarious web stunts”

Spamusement

The late, the great, spamusement.  Burned so bright for so short a time.

Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Melissa just gets me, OK?

the underwear drawer

A slice of life blog by a doctor/parent.Was NYC but just moved to Atlanta.

Velcrometer

From TWOP (which, to up my old-school cred, I read when it was MBTV so there), a humor writer and adoptive parent.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

needed

for work: personal motto
funny, not too serious
probably not latin because I won't understand it
where can I find????

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Bugaboo Creek Traumatized my Child

Warning! Apparently child-friendly restaurants with crayons, french fries, and sippy cups may in fact have WILD ANIMALS inside which, although non-alive, will scare the bejeezus out of your child and force you to endure YET ANOTHER meal with someone sitting on your lap, this time whimpering "mooose.....moooooooose....."

also, we drove past two days later and he wails "MOOOOOOOSE". The "will eat me" is implied, I guess.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

public service

I share with you, internet, my new favorite TV show that we've been watching online. Torchwood! It's like Buffy plus X Files, if everyone were Welsh and a little gay. Hottness!

Watch episodes here

Friday, June 27, 2008

Dr Foster Went to Gloucester

Here's what I would tell teenagers about avoiding pregnancy (the why, not the how).


When we became parents, my grandmother sent a card, and it was a little different from all the "Congratulations!" cards. She said,

"Welcome to the constant worry, sleepless nights, and never ending fear."

I know it doesn't sound nice, but it was intended in love and that's how I took it. I was actually very grateful for it, because it validated a lot of the feelings I was having at the time, which the usual "babies are so fun and cute!" didn't.

When you have a child, you worry every second of every day, at some level. You fear accidents and disease; you fear you're doing SOMEthing wrong; you fear the future. When they cry, it breaks your heart a little every time. You may have had a stressful life before, but it will seem carefree compared to waking up six times a night listening for breathing just to make sure he isn't dead. Every child, in every horrible news story, takes on the face of your child, and scares the bejeezus out of you.

The emotional weight of parenting is far greater than the physical and logistical problems and annoyances. I am sure that message is not getting across with egg babies or abstinence lectures or even birth-control demonstrations.
Being a parent can make you very scared and very worried and very sad sometimes, too.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Things The Geneva Convention Would Explicitly Ban, If My Child Were In Charge

-putting on shirts
-taking off shirts
-putting on pants
-sandals
-baths
-leaving the park
-sharing toys

Friday, June 20, 2008

chow

I was a moderately picky eater child. My parents felt that this was both a character flaw of mine and a terrible indictment of their parenting, and gave me a hell of a lot of static about it. Because I was also a more-than-moderately stubborn child, this made things a hell of a lot worse and I was quite old before I ate widely. Which I mostly do, although there is a list of things I will not eat.
So my child, who as an under-one ate a tiny bit of everything that crossed our table, is now 18 months old and will eat:

hummus (IF he gets to hold the spoon)
frozen mixed veg
frozen corn
raisins
crackers
rice (IF he gets to scatter rice to the four winds)
applesauce (IF it is made by grandma)
yogurt
soup (SOMEtimes)
peas (IF we are in the field and he can eat them off the plants)
milk

Here is a list of foods often eaten by children which he will take out of his mouth and throw back at me:
chicken (any form, including nugget)
green beans
ok, any kind of meat
bread: regular or pita
bananas
potatoes
all the rest of the vegetables

I'm not going to make a huge deal about what he eats or not but he can't keep filling up on raisins and crackers, can he? and his "acceptable" list is not terrible but I feel like I'm in a rut and I'm not convinced there is enough protein in there. What are some ideas? He is allergic to eggs.

I kind of want to ship him to grandma's to be fattened a little because he eats nearly all of what she makes for some reason. Likes her better I guess!

Thursday, June 05, 2008

"at" "work"

The cat seems confused and I don't blame her, as I'm mighty confused myself, since I'm officially at work, yet my ass is in my own desk chair in my own bedroom. wha??? yah, today is a work from home day, so I'm "working" from home. I say that because I have no idea what I'm doing yet.
Also, we communicate with IRC, which is like 1993, and I forget how to use it! I used to be cool, what happened??

Monday, May 26, 2008

cutetastic!






weekend with cousins and grandfather mustache

Friday, May 23, 2008

Q&A

The kid still doesn't carry on real conversations, of course (except with himself, while falling asleep, which is very funny), but he can verbally respond to questions like, "what do you want to eat?"
Sometimes he answers "narsmwiwx" or something like that which means we play guessing game. I say "soup? (mo) milk? (mo) yogurt? (mo) potatoes? (mo) veg? (mo)" until I hit the right one. When I do he does a little explosive movement with his whole body. "YESH!!" he shouts. It's cute enough that I can almost get past the fact that all he wants lately is hummus. This morning he went off with OD to eat breakfast and when she delivered him back to me to be dressed, he smelled like garlic hummus. Should babies smell like garlic?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Survivor: Tantrumtown

McCain to Host Possible Veeps at Ariz. Home

Dear Friends:
Thank you for agreeing to visit my Arizona home on such short notice! We have a big weekend planned, so I'm sending this agenda to better prepare you all for the great things I have planned. Remember your sunscreen!

0800 Arrival at Compound. Blindfolds provided during drive to secondary location.
0900 Division into shirts and skins
0930 Team captains to arm-wrestle for choice of team bunker
0945 First challenge: Paintball!
1100 Second challenge: In this challenge I just scream at you til you cry.
1200 lunchtime!
1230 Third challenge: golf (warning, I am a sore loser)
1330 Fourth challenge: jerky eating contest
1400 Fifth challenge: Senate Tie-breaking contest
1500 Sixth challenge: Build a fire with sticks
1600 Snacktime!
1630 I will give a single red rose to the one I choose


Good luck to all of you and remember, no matter who wins, I'll be the one packing the supreme court with ultracons! So we all win!!

Yours,
John McCain

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I'll be under the bed if you need me*

hiding from this


*because I have fragglephobia.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Jenna is the dumb one right? (warning: very whiny post)

Jenna Bush got married, which reminded me that Jenna Bush exists, and also reminded me of my college roommate. Because they look a little bit alike. Also, because I think they act a little bit alike. With the bein' rich and drinkin' a bit too much and so on.
Anyway I'm not a big fan of my college roommate lately to be perfectly honest. She always believed herself to be a few notches better than me in most ways. Like, she was smarter and more stylish and not crippled with naivete. Once she said something super mean that I wasn't supposed to hear but I totally did*. Alas, I continued to give her the benefit of the doubt, though she treated me like a young country cousin with no connections. Which perhaps I was. Anyway the last thing she did to irritate me was after I went out of my way to bring her my kid's baby clothes for her twin sons. She sent me an email afterwards in which she got my kid's name completely wrong. Irritation! Then she never called me again. Call me really shallow and petty but I am ticked off. I feel like she may have wanted to tick me off, so she wouldn't have to deal with someone so low-class as myself, ever again. Well, she gets her wish I guess. I just wish I could steal back those baby clothes.

*I can't believe you read this far! you must be bored. Anyway she just said to OD one time "But you can do so much better!" (than me). Bitch, right?

Monday, May 05, 2008

everyone has a price

how much pay cut would you accept in order to work somewhere where people are smart and funny, where you work at home 50% of the time, versus a place where people are average-smart and a little bit scary, where you get steep travel discounts?

further, both have a certain amount of free food, and both dish out the undeserved praise with a free hand.

not that I have any job offers. I'm just thinkin'.

seriously though I love being praised. I am Lisa Simpson!

yeah, my kid is funny but

this kid will be the funniest person in the universe

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

very, very self-indulgent post

Conversation:

Me: no.
Babe: NO!
Me: Yes!
Babe: YES!
Me: Copycat.
Babe: KIIIIIIIITTTTTTTYYYYYYYYY!!!

Phrases spoken in my home for which this post might become the only google result:

Mustache is sleeping.*
The cat is not a drum.**


*In the night he gets up and demands "mustache" (grandad) who, if not sleeping, is at least 200 miles away.
**self explanatory

Monday, April 14, 2008

Excuse me, friend, do you like to laugh?

I listen to podcasts while I clean up and fold laundry. Without podcasts, there would be [more] raisins stuck to the floor. So I am very much hoping that Croncast continues after their 500th show. They say that if their audience doubles they will continue 2x a week. If you like to laugh, subscribe to their podcast. Maybe try listening to their Vacation show. That Betsy is very funny. And maybe you will get a little housework done.

I'm calling this one

When 'inconsistencies' are discovered in this book, I get five points.

Friday, April 11, 2008

whoops

Subconsciously I must not want the job I am interviewing for this evening, because I totally forgot about it this morning and left the house dressed all casual Friday. I don't think I have any time at lunch to get different shoes or some kind of sweater that might distract from the cargo pants and tshirt and sneakers look. Embarrassing. I hope they don't think I'm just rude. I'm just forgetful. Alas. But I think the salary was BS anyway.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

I got it!

Charlton Heston's gun, that is.






(poor taste? what's that?)

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I pronounce it "nasta!"

The NSTA conference exploded all over our house. As you can see. I asked OD to go by the Molt HicSnoodle* booth and tell them to fuck off, you fucking fuckers but she was like "ummmmm...no." Wuss.



*Clever pseudonym

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

They hired me to type these numbers and hit "enter" all day

I went to a temp job and it was weird. While I was there someone slipped this note over the cube wall. Do you think I should worry?

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

puunaikutti

It's been about a year since our old-time kitty died, and we said hey! we have a toddler, and one of us is unemployed! Let's saddle ourselves with another high-maintenance mouth to feed! Long story short, new cat! She was this stray who landed herself in the pound, see, and they happened to give her the same name as our old cat, so how could we let her moulder in the pound? You see my point. It's not really her name because she doesn't respond to it plus it would be confusing to us. We haven't thought of a real name yet but one member of the household just calls her "Wow!" He's a fan.

Monday, March 17, 2008

It's like Video Cringe

Have you had opportunity yet today to mock anyone? If not, you are in luck. I present to you an extract from a video created nearly nine years ago, when I was young and frustrated with the job hunt. Although I am older now, and have more job interviews behind me, I still feel exactly like this on most days. Plus ca change etc.

About the hair: I know, okay? I think someone cut it drunk.

video

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Available to Hire: Half a Brain

Dear Random House Australia, Penguin House USA, and/or Sarah Crichton Books:
I am hereby offering my services as a doubter, skeptic, and all-round Mary Mary Quite Contrary to you for a reasonable salary and benefits package. I do not actually check facts--I don't have that kind of time or patience--but I am severely non-gullible. So what can I do for you? Basically here is how we'll work. If any of your editors uses any of the following adjectives about a manuscript:

amazing
heartbreaking
wrenching
astonishing
far-fetched
novelistic

You send me the MS. I read it and say "I'm not buying it." You are thus spared the embarassment of an expose, the expense of returns, and the ecological harm of pulping all those bound books.

Mt. Ivy Press, keep walking. You are too dumb even for me. Wolves?? I ask you.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Worst Party Ever: You Vote

Two Parties, both amazingly terrible, but so different. One where I was insanely uncool (or was i?) and the other where everyone else was insanely uncool (or were they?). Your choice!

Party One!

I am 13 years old. I have never been invited to a party that wasn't a birthday party. I have never thrown a party that wasn't a birthday party. I am Not Cool. I am Not Popular. Middle School is Kicking My Ass. And now, I am invited to Cara's party at her house. Possibly at the demand of her mother, who believes we are great friends, which we decidedly are not. Cara has made this a theme party. The theme is "The Sixties!" which is a popular theme, although obviously none of us has ever been near the actual sixties.
You may know that there are two types of "Sixties!" aesthetic. One is more or less accurate. It's what someone who had been there, might remember, and might dig from her closet for such a party. The other type is what young children imagine to be "Sixties!". Basically you dress and talk like Janice, the Muppet. Cara's party was clearly intended to be this latter, fun-time "Sixties!" One was not expected to show up as Lyndon Johnson, for instance. There is nothing fun about Lyndon Johnson for 13 year olds.
Alas, my parents were in high school in the actual sixties. So, when I asked for a costume, my mother pulled out something completely authentic but also completely wrong. It was really just jeans, an ugly shirt, and these tall lace-up leather boots. Unfortunately for me, the only thing about this that would have seemed like "Sixties!" to 13-year-olds was the boots...vaguely.
So I show up at this party...I can't remember if I am excited or nervous. At the door, Cara informs me that her mom doesn't allow shoes in the house. I have to take off the boots and now I am dressed 100% wrong. Perfect!
Everyone else has a perfect cartoon-sixties costume. Everyone else has friends. I spend the evening eating potato chips in the corner. At the end of the night Cara tells me she needs my help to clean up. Stupidly, I do.

Party Two!

I was not invited to Party Two directly. I am a date of the invited guest, OD. It is a birthday party for someone from her guitar classes. His name is Steve. Steve lives in an old house, where he rents a room from the owner, a really weird guy about 65 years old. To me it's weird for a 65 year old guy to have roommates in their twenties. Anyway we show up thinking it's kind of a party for grownups. We bring wine. The living room furniture has all been pushed to the edges of the room and covered in plastic sheeting, like the party is going to involve dancing, or possibly vomiting. All the food and drink has been confined to the kitchen, several rooms away in the back of the house. So picture a party with no place to sit, no snacks to mingle around, and no drinks allowed in the living room. ROCKING! Then the elderly roommate puts on the music. The elderly roommate has a hobby. That hobby is collecting records. Novelty records. What are novelty records? You know, Tiny Tim, Dr. Demento, things like that. That's the party music.
The other guests consist of two types: hobos, and Young Republicans. I am not sure which group we were supposed to be in. I'll say hobos. Anyway one of the hobos is a bearded fellow wearing two different shoes. Neither of which has any laces left. He barely speaks a word to anyone the whole time, and never removes his backpack. One of the Young Republicans gives us a campaign pen. Another has us sign his petition to get on the ballot. The elderly roommate tells racist jokes.
Besides "Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas", the entertainment includes the game Twister. It has been provided and spread out on the floor, but no one is playing. The hobo with the backpack takes a recorder from his backpack and begins to play, pausing to sing as well. Stunned, we soon make our excuses and run all the way home.


Voting is now open for the Worst Party!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Odd Dreams From the Last Week

Escape To Cuba!

a small group of people sets sail in a decrepit small boat, not to escape FROM Cuba, but to flee TO Cuba! Once there they cannot leave and cannot get wi-fi. It is a fiasco.

The Man Who Knew Too Much!

A mafia-esque group of Hasidic Jews is searching for one of their own against whom they have a longstanding grudge. He has left the community and now lives in Boston as a non-Jewish middle manager originally from Baltimore. It is my former boss! All his talk of his hometown crabcakes was a LIE!! I warn him to flee, because he has been found out!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

all civics are blue in the dark

I just shoveled out the wrong car! I don't know whose but they better appreciate it. It's cold out there.

Monday, February 11, 2008

this sucks

looking for a job while unemployed sucks ass, people. I have been pulling out ALL THE STOPS and I've had one disastrous phone interview (see previous), one useless callback (six month positions without benefits...ah, we call that temping where I'm from), and I am making myself miserable in the process.
being home all (well most all) of each day has not led to the tidy home I had wished either. Tidyness was not exactly bred into me and I never learned on my own. The various messes around the house play whack-a-mole with me--I fix one, another appears. It's a toss up whether I want to study up and try harder to be Neat Nelly, or say fuck it all and just be Me. Actually did I say toss up? I meant forgone conclusion.

here are things I have tivoed for my child lately:
Puppy Bowl IV (with Kitty Halftime Show)
AKC Championships
Westminster Dog Show

He loves to talk on Skype with his grandparents; he blows them kisses and refers to my father (with signs) as "Hat Mustache". (a very accurate nickname) He also enjoys Skyping with relatives' cats, whom he calls "aaaaooooo". Point out any representation of a dragon or dinosaur and he makes claw-hands and goes "rarrrr!".

Is there anything better than a 14 month old who does dinosaur voices?

He has also decided that I am "The Mom I Throw Up On" and OD is "The Mom Who Reads Stories The Right Way"--he's been known to tear books from my grasp mid-reading and hand them to her. It's cute and funny though it does nothing for my battered self-esteem.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

after-math




1 self-removed diaper and logical conclusion of that incident
425 raisins consumed
18 dates consumed
249 cheerios ground into carpet
8293 styrofoam packing peanuts scattered
_____
=result of one mistimed nap and phone interview

"amuse yourself, kid," I said.
"we're, uh, rated highly by working mother magazine," she said.

yes, he takes special mischief lessons

Just now I attempted to distract my child by filling his highchair tray with raisins and cheerios, hoping for long enough to check my email [neglect rating:1]. glancing back from the screen to the child I find him standing in his seat, grinning and signing "sit".

"Sit down!" I say.

"NO!" he shouts.

I'm in for it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

more good things

1- I needed new 'interview' clothes (aka not Ill-Fitting Jeans(tm)) so I went to the special store for ladies of my size and damn, it is nice to try on clothes that don't make you feel like a mutant freak. Plus I think they have special look-good mirrors there. If I had money I'm sure I would buy a lotta clothes over there.
2- Sleeping in. Is awesome.
3- I feel like I'm accomplishing something just by attaching my resume and hitting 'send'

Monday, January 28, 2008

file under: blogs on blogs

some blogs rub me the wrong way. yet, I can't stop reading and imagining bitchy comments I would write if i were a [more] terrible person.

I've had comments deleted before on blogs, but it wasn't because they were mean. I was trying to be funny and I was *perceived* as mean, or so I figure. something about my delivery is way off.

also a friend of mine started a blog like last week and already has more comments than I have ever had in my life. therefore, she is winning the popularity contest. doesn't that just burn me up.

I can't link, because she doesn't read here. (I am much too embarrassed to tell some people about my blog. because of the swearing and because of the endless complaining I do. if you're reading already, it's too late to fool you. but i don't swear around everyone.)

but wtf, seriously, last week she was asking me what bloglines was and what 'hits' meant, this week, she's drowning in readers! what's that about? how the hell did you all find her? I can see you're all subscribed.

(actually I know she is more interesting than I am. i am just whining)

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Good Things About Being Caught in a Massive Layoff

-people are very sympathetic and tell you all about "the one time I got laid off,"
-gossip spreads: free networking with no awkward cold calling!
-everyone sends farewell emails addressed "To the best coworkers ever!", and you can pretend they meant you too
-quick way out of that pesky health insurance nonsense

Thursday, January 24, 2008

ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

In answer to Christine's question: nope. unless you count the free boxes! they gave us to put our meager possessions into. Free boxes! woo!

nothing interesting happened...early meeting, quick announcement, awkward joking (I am putting that skill on my resume), and interminable waiting for our turn in the exit interview room. The end! or is it?

Well yes, I won't be back to linger or tie up any loose ends. Took all my stuff, said bye. Sent my pathetic draft of a resume to a resume service. Spent the rest of the afternoon on craigslist and bookbuilders. Keep an eye out folks.

and what does one wear to such an occasion?

I slept poorly, but not for the reason you think! It is because today is the layoff day. We're not sure whether Friday will be our last day? or if we'll have to take our stuff and go? I'm taking my backpack just in case. One would think that we would actually be asked to finish our projects. But on the other hand it would be bad business to have a bunch of short timers hanging around, all pissed off and glum. So it's anyone's guess, about the details. The Facts are that in just two hours I can stop worrying and start panicking!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Not On Hiatus--Just Lazy

I don't post, but it doesn't mean anything, except that I'm not creative. The death of a blog is a sad thing. Although karen of NO is back (as cheek), RIF is gone, finslippy (W!) is 'on a break', and croncast is running out its last 50 shows. Doesn't everyone inside the computer know they exist for my entertainment??
I'm flailing about trying to remember how people get jobs. Turns out they write these things? called resumes? and cover letters? I am so screwed.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

ME EAT HOUSE.

This house is so cute I want to stomp on it like godzilla.
I don't know where he keeps anything but ISN'T IT THE CUTEST?



I love the position that a small home reduces my consumption. it helps me not feel terrible about having my familiy in baby condo (with no outdoor space period). When I go to peoples houses and they have...another bathroom...another story..playroom...parking...and a yard....oh I feel like a terrible failure. imagine raising a child without a backyard. MONSTROUS. So I focus on the smaller carbon footprint.
please don't tell me that a yard could actually decrease my resource usage or carbon output. I am a sensitive flower and will cry.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Ok, sounds good [you giant douchebag]

"...amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards..."

-Huckabee


Oh absoLUTEly, and WHY haven't we thought of this before?? I took the liberty of getting a head start!!



First order of business! New capital of USA is Mt. Olympus. It's the dwelling place of the gods!
Secondly, nine justices of the supreme court? Out! nine high priests of AHURA MAZDA? IN, BABY!!
Then, obviously, every fourth November will bring not a presidential election, but anointing of the god-king. THE MORE GODS, THE BETTER, RIGHT HUCKABEE??

Sunday, January 13, 2008

minus one telephone

When the phone tree called tonight to tell OD that there is no school tomorrow, she was so excited she apparently hurled the telephone to the ground. Now the boy has one new toy, and we have one less phone. And no school! Totally worth it. I still have work. Maybe my new job should be in a school....yeah, that's the ticket...

Friday, January 11, 2008

Mmmmmm, Pizza

That murder pizza kid pled guilty for a short sentence. The end of a weird story. Don't drink and fight, kids! Also: if you are stabbed, call an ambulance, do not try to drive to a hospital. That's not a good plan.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

it's peanut butter jelly time!

anyone read this?

i dunno, does it mean I can dispense with packing lunches and just send peanut butter smeared on a playing card?

even if it's all true--probably can't let anyone see me feeding a toddler nuts. Dr. Disapprobation From Other Mothers trumps all those germans!! ha!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

so. cold.

today was cold enough to freeze my ipod. Also, and I don't know if this was related to the cold, the train shut its door on a woman's arm and when I tried to pry it open THE TRAIN BEGAN TO MOVE. Everyone started to scream and it stopped. The End. I think she was scared though. I would have been really, really pissed.

Mittens are great but sometimes I think I would like mittens made of hot lava, because I feel that is the only thing warm enough for my poor, constricted vessels.

We have a rental car for the week because we are finally getting the body damage fixed on little blue car. The rental car is pretty small and lame. Um, what else? We are finally getting a will next week. How embarassing we don't already have one. But now we will. Ha ha get it? It will be a relief. I am a worst-case-scenario person, after all. We also went to a financial planner. That was also a relief in its own way, though you Do Not Want To Know what college is going to cost in 2024. If you are interested in a financial planner, let me know. They are not just for people who swim laps in a pool of gold coins.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

happy new year for the tired and lazy

Shut the door on a year that was good but which made me very, very tired.

I resolve to continue an excellent record of water conservation by continuing to never, ever, wash the car.

The boy--no longer a baby but a Real Boy--added a few adorable and some not adorable tricks to his bag.
He calls us 'mama' or sometimes 'nananananananananana'.
He started saying please.
He also started amazing shrieking when denied things.
His favorite food is Whatever You're Eating Right This Minute Give It To Me Now.
His Aunt gave him a toy cell phone for christmas...and...well....see for yourself.



Gee, do you think he likes it?
After I peeled it out of the fortress of packaging, he screeched, turned to the Aunt in question, and said fairly clearly, "Thank You!"

He's a really great guy like that, see.

He also got a New Year's Day hair trim. Don't hate us. It was getting really uneven. He looked like nothing so much as Dilbert's pointy haired boss on some occasions. Now he looks like a big boy. Which he is getting to be.

If you have a job opening for someone who has few real skills, but is very good at solving small problems, email me OK?