Friday, November 30, 2007

happy birthday Mr. Man

here's what you do:
you sign more, milk, book, sing, thank you, your own way
you say more, dog, thank you, i love you, your own way
you desire spicy food, milk, yogurt, laptop, guitar, violin, dogs, cats, tricycle, vacuum cleaner, and hugs
you stack blocks, you knock them down, you pretend to read books, you bang your guitar like a mini Pete Townshend, you ride your trike but only backwards, you make car sounds and I didn't teach it to you, you laugh so hard you fall on the floor and bang your noggin and you keep on laughing, you wake mama up at midnight for no good reason, you play somewhat avant garde songs on the recorder, you let your cousin pick you up by the head just because you worship big kids.

you are the best kid that ever was
and we love you.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

ha ha ha ha ha ha wheeze

Julie linked to this and I laughed so hard I had to go lie down, then I came back and finished reading it, and I sprained a rib.

oh dear.

I'm posting this late because I have something else to post in about twenty minutes.

Neeeeeeever mind

Oh hiiiiiii. How aaaaaare you? Oh your little todog is adoooooooorable. What? It's Godot? Oh what an interesting name. So, which of you is staying home with him? Oh you both have jobs? Oh that must be soooo harrrrd. Oh I could neeeeever do that. Oh, but you're doing great, really. Just great. So what does he like to do? Really? Play with cars? Oh how neat. Ginger is getting into writing music, isn't she, aren't you, Ginger? Oh Ginger, don't touch Todog's little car. No no, it's dirty, don't touch. Oh, I mean, you can never be too careful, you know? Oh I'm sure you're careful. But still you just never know. Ginger! come down from there! No, I know Todog is on the swings...but the swings are closed for us today. We don't want to get wet and dirty, do we? Oh, not that it's bad. It's know. Oh yes she is very verbal. Oh, look at that, he's signing for milk, is he? How cute. Ginger, how do we say "Good Afternoon" in Czech? No, that's "Good Evening". So you must be happy now he's 12 months and sleeping through the night. Oh he isn't? Oh my, that's sooooo harrrd. Oh but just as long as you don't let him cry! You never let him cry do you? Oh I could neeeeeeever. No, Ginger sleeps really well. Well, it's all about being in tune with them, isn't it? Anticipating their neeeeeds. Ginger never cried, we had a really good emotional connection, you know? Well, maybe it's harder for you, because you didn't have the pregnancy to bond. Not that that's bad. I'm sure it's really great. But I could neeeeeeever.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

"I don't know the real words!"

As sung by OD.

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly
I don't know why
she swallowed a fly
I hope she'll die


Thursday, November 22, 2007

We interrupt the dumb stories hour.... bring you a gift shopping guide for someone who may have lost a finger in a log-splitting incident.

-finger puppets
-finger paint
-chinese finger trap
-little box with a hole cut out where you put your finger to scare someone
-fingerless gloves
-book about fingerspelling
-finger cots
-nail polish
-trip to finger lakes

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The One Time My Sister Lost Her Bear, And I Found It, And Revealed The Finding At Great Personal Risk

My sister as a little child had this kind of ugly teddy bear she called "white bear" (we were creative. my item was called "yellow blanket". laaaame). I went to the elementary school, I was in the 3rd or 4th grade, so she would have been 3 or 4. She went to a preschool across the street, and both schools shared the playground. So one day she came home from preschool with no bear. No bear!! I think she kept my mother up all night. This was before ebay and no replacement bear could be found. It was a disaster. She didn't sleep for days.
Then one day I (through no fault of my own, obviously) ended up sitting writing lines or something in the principal's office. On the desk where I was working was a bear just like the missing one.
So there I was with a third grade dilemma. Do I go home and tell my mother that my principal has a bear in her office, and possibly knows where to buy them, thus revealing that I had been sent to the office?? or do I keep my mouth shut??
I told my mom. She went straight into the principal's office and begged to know where the bear had come from. Turned out, the bear had been found on the playground--it was the same dumb bear.
All I got for being sent to the principal's office was a tight-lipped "hmmmmmmmm" a la Marge Simpson.
The funny thing is my sister remembers it all differently. If you asked her she'd probably say I tore the stupid bear from her hands and hid it myself. All her memories are me as a complete bitch.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The One Time I Took The Wrong Train And It Was Really Cold Out

One time in the winter when it was about 5 degrees out, I accidentally got on the wrong train at Back Bay. The commuter rail is designed for commuters: people who do it every day and know what the hell they're doing. They understand which trains come when and where. Dumdums like me stand helplessly on the platform hoping that the train arriving at 4:52 is the 4:56 to Franklin and not the 4:47 to Needham. And we are always wrong. At some point during the ride, when I looked out the window and saw a very non-urban landscape flying by, I panicked, and got off at the next stop--not thinking that there was no real station building: just a place to stand and freeze. The next train in the other direction wouldn't come for like an hour. I called a taxi but forty-five minutes later, having lost six toes to frostbite, I figured they weren't really coming. I was very, very cold and sad. I may have mentioned before that I am a crybaby. So I cried.

And then a very nice woman let me sit in her truck to warm up. She was waiting for her husband. When he came, they gave me a ride to the next station. Wasn't that nice? What nice people. I am embarrassed that I cried though. But it was SO COLD.

Monday, November 19, 2007

The One Time My Parents Let Us Stay Home Alone On New Year's Eve

One time when I was 11, my parents--probably unable to find a sitter--said that I could stay home alone on New Year's Eve with my cousin (also 11) and my sister and her brother (both 7), while the adults went out. People used to do stuff like this, I really don't think it was considered that neglectful. Anyway, it was a cold night, with a beautiful cover of thick fresh snow on the ground. The four of us played outside in the snow, enjoying the lack of supervision and having a snowball fight. And then we did that stupid thing that kids in the snow do because they don't know any better, and started throwing snowballs at passing cars. What a bunch of brats, right? We mostly missed, but eventually one missile found its target...and the car screeched to a stop in the middle of the road.
The occupants of the car jumped out, and started throwing beer bottles at us. We shrieked and raced back into the house where we hid for the rest of the night.

It was an awesome New Year's Eve.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

The One Time I Didn't Get To Go To The Second-Grade Ice Cream Sundae Party

One time in the second grade, my second grade teacher attempted to encourage everyone in the class to memorize their times tables by promising that everyone who passed the test would get an ice cream sundae party at the end of the year! Woo! The teacher's carrot method must have worked because 23 out of 24 seven year olds learned their math facts. And one day in June I had to listen to everyone sharing a laugh about how Jake had sprayed Brie with whipped cream from a can! Hilarious!!! I have never felt so left out in my life.

I do know my times tables now. I believe someone owes me a sundae. AND MY PRIDE.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

The One Time A Guy In France Kept Calling

One time, we started getting messages on our answering machine from a man named Albert, who spoke in French. I wished I had studied harder in school because I could not understand him at all. Sometimes we were home when he called and I tried to explain that he had the wrong number. It probably sounded something like this to him:
Me: Pardon me, you are soaking in number!
Albert: Who the hell are you?
Me: Thank you welcome mystery and gumballs!

It was a little funny for me, but probably very frustrating for Old French Albert. Eventually I felt bad that I could not make myself understood and I turned to the wisest of sages, Google. Google informed me that just one digit off from my number was a listing for "French lessons". So, I called the number and informed the very surprised man that Albert was trying to reach him. Albert turned out to be his father in law, who apparently has very thick dialing fingers.

Albert calls less and less all the time.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The One Time I Got A Whole Case of Brownies Free

One time, I was at Walgreens, and apparently had had no sugar for five or six minutes, so I purchased a new item, which was a brownie with chocolate chips in it. I saved it the whole way home, which is tricky for me. So I got home, unstrapped the world's heaviest baby and put him for a nap, and then sat down to eat my brownie. It was moldy! I was so bummed. But there I was sitting around the house with nothing to do, and a sad sack treat I couldn't eat. So I picked up the phone and called the number on the back of the wrapper. Someone actually answered, and I spun my sad sad tale in a plaintive tone. The woman was very apologetic and said she would send me a new brownie, and took my address. The next day, the nice fedex man brought a huge box which contained an ice-cooled CASE of brownies.

Oh man that was a good day.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

The One Time I Nearly Killed Everyone And Got Stuck In a Ditch and Then Removed From The Ditch By Silent Bob

One time, I was driving a terrible, terrible rental car-chosen because it was the dirt-cheapest option- on Valentine's day from Boston to Vermont. I had OD in the car as well as a couple of other friends who were bumming a ride. The presence of the four of us probably doubled the weight of the car. I don't think I need to tell you that cheap cheap rental cars don't come with snow tires...they barely come with tires. Anyway, it was snowing seriously and the car's flimsiness was making itself felt. Somewhere in New Hampshire, on a thankfully deserted road, the other three occupants woke up as we gently spun 780 degrees to a stop in the middle of the highway. And what's the smartest thing to do when you're halfway home and clearly in way over your tiny car's head? Straighten out and keep going, of course. And so I did. We saw several more spinouts and ditched cars along the way, but felt a need to press on. Right between exits 13 and 14--about three miles from my parents' house--I had finally taken it too far. In slow motion, the roller skate slid off the edge of the road into a gully. It was so slow and so gentle that I could barely call it an accident--more like a detour. On the other hand, we were totally stuck. We could push it, but not enough to jump back up onto the road. And despite it being about 11 PM, people began stopping to give advice and make me feel very, very stupid. Eventually, there were like three random guys and a state trooper, tsk-tsking at the dumdum college kid who couldn't drive in snow. As I stood there wondering how long it would take me to walk up to the mobil mart and call my dad (this was before cell phones), a pickup truck pulled to a stop next to us. As I braced for another barrage of advice, a large bearded man got out of his truck, pulled out a chain, hitched it to his truck and our car, and pulled us back onto the road, unhitched his chain, got in his truck, and drove off--all without saying a single word. I convinced the state trooper that we were four minutes from home, please just let me go burn quietly in embarrassment there, please, and he let us leave, though he followed us.

And I never, ever told my mother that my terrible driving almost got us all killed and YOU'D BETTER NOT TELL HER EITHER, I MEAN IT.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

The One Time I Thought I Would Be Banned From Trader Joes

One time, I thought I was going to get banned from Trader Joes. I was wandering around examining all their exotic foodstuffs and found myself in the wine section. In the wine section they often stack cases of wine on the endcaps and cut the sides away to reveal the bottles. I reached into one of these boxes and lifted out a bottle of wine--the keystone bottle, apparently, because the entire display came smashing down. Glass and wine and corks and hot, hot shame flew everywhere. I stood there holding the one bottle and said to the poor employee, "I didn't mean to!"
They let me off the hook but I avoided TJs for a loooooooooong time.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

The One Time A Dream Came True

One time, I had a dream that came true, but not in a good way. You know that dream where you are lost, or late, trying to find the testing room for a big exam? Or you are taking an exam that makes no sense? Once I woke up about an hour late for an exam, and I ran to the classroom, and the guy outside who hands out the packets had already put them all back in the big box, and I made pathetic face, and he gave it to me, with 45 minutes left in the testing period...and I sat down, and opened it up, and realized I might as well have slept through the rest of it, and I totally failed. It was a not a good dream to have come true.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

The One Time I Met Someone From Road Rules

One time, I met someone from Road Rules, the one in Australia. I was at work when I heard someone shout "Hello Shirky!" and then a second person shout "Hello Shirky!" It was a woman I used to work with and she introduced me to the second person, who was her sister, and who was on Road Rules, the one in Australia. I have never met anyone else from TV before or since. That was my entire television-celebrity experience.

The One Time I Ate Sheep Testicles

One time, I ate sheep testicles
tasted like hot dogs.
what that says about hot dogs, I do not speculate.
Also ate some brain, heart, lung, pancreas, intestine, stomach, kidney, and liver. And the head. The stomach was grossest.
The butchering part was like biology class.
sorry, sheep.

Monday, November 05, 2007

One Time...

Everyone is doing That Thing with the posting every day.
I am mildly embarassed that there is absolutely no way I could keep up, even after reading Mighty Girl's book.
But I have tiny postage stamps of stories...the kind that start "one time..." and end with everyone at the party avoiding me for the evening.
The first, i will call:

The One Time I Got Run Over By A Bike

one time, I got run over by a guy on a bike
I was walking along, minding my own, when wham! I guy comes straight at me and knocks me flat.
The front wheel struck me where my nuts would be if I were a dude
good thing I'm not. I had ugly bruises on my CROTCH.
Oh, and he totally didn't stop, he KEPT GOING. Hit and run CROTCH BRUISER!!
I cried, but I do that a lot.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

relive my dorky youth

I just hope it doesn't suck.

"X-Files" stars, crew reunite for secretive sequel
By Leslie Simmons Thu Nov 1, 3:21 AM ET
LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Fans of "The X-Files" no longer have to rely on Internet rumors to seek the truth about a sequel to the 1998 movie based on the popular TV series

On Wednesday, Fox announced production will start December 10 on the sequel, which reunites the show's stars, David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson. The studio also picked July 25 as the U.S. release date.

Series creator Chris Carter will direct the still-untitled film. Carter also co-wrote the screenplay with "X-Files" veteran Frank Spotnitz. The duo also are producing. Shooting will take place in Vancouver.

The studio is staying little about the film's story line. All that is being revealed is that it is a "supernatural thriller" and that the movie will take the complicated relationship between FBI agents Fox Mulder (Duchovny) and Dana Scully (Anderson) in unexpected directions as Mulder continues on his quest for the truth and Scully remains inextricably tied to her partner's pursuits.

The July 25 release date would put "X-Files" up against "Step Brothers," a comedy starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, and an untitled comedy starring Ice Cube.

Fox's "X-Files" ran for nine seasons, ending in 2002. The first feature film, produced by Carter and co-written with Spotnitz, grossed $187 million worldwide.

Reuters/Hollywood Reporter