Tuesday, June 13, 2006

in the supply cabinet

dear pilot vball grip extra fine (black)

i love you.

dear leaky pilot V5 precise rolling ball extra fine (green)

you may now go to hell.

dear scotch tape

I am sorry. it's an addiction.

dear china markers

what are you even for? marking....china?

dear self-inking stamp refill bottles (red)

what do you say we splash you all around and then shout "murder!"?
you used to be cool, man. What happened?

Monday, June 12, 2006

baby smeagol

anyone out there expecting a child...you must sometimes, secretly, worry that your baby will not be cute. What? No? Just me? And I'm a shallow bitch? It's true, I probably am.
I encountered such a baby last night. Instead of delicate baby ears, he had jug handles. Instead of a wee flower of a mouth, he had a mick jaggeresque maw. It didn't help that he was wailing, either.
My mother tells me that A) I will think the baby is cute even if it is not and B) no one will dare to tell me that it is not cute, so I will never know. What this says about my own baby-looks, I do not guess. Her B) sounds suspect though, knowing my own father to have greeted brand-new infants and their parents with "Gee, I bet you can't wait for the kid to get cute!". Which was funny at the time but now makes me worry.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

I am Grampa Simpson

Yes, yes, thirty is the new twenty, but what of those of us who were fifty when they were twenty? How old are we now? Not too old to ROCK OUT, are we?
The truth is I was always lame, and have never really rocked out. We went to the radiohead concert on Monday and everyone there was about 16 years old, which makes no sense. You people were little bitty babies when Creep came out!
I kind of wanted to have a nap before the concert but Monday nights are the nights where I imprudently play flying baby and horsey rides and dinosaur is chasing you. So I was a wee bit worn out beforehand and secretly wished all those people would sit down so I could sit down and not look like Granny At the Show. I also got some earplugs. I know! I've always been lame! We also had binoculars, since I can't see. And we needed to see as well as hear, for the crazy little dances that Thom does are not to be missed. We came home smelling of weed and extreme youth, but it was awesome, they sounded awesome, and it'll be a good long time before I feel like I need to prove my vigor again.

I was tired on tuesday though.

the intern that everybody loves

What's the deal with that guy? he's not so great.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Ask the Grandparents!

Everyone's favorite game, where we ask our grandparents how to wisely handle situations of everyday life!

You are viewing a community sporting event. Someone blocks your view. How do you ask them to move?
A) Excuse me, I can't get a good look. Would you mind stepping back?
B) Down in front!

When the person above objects to your verbal abuse, what do you say?
A) Sorry, sorry, I got carried away
B) Hey, we're cool, right?

When your children and grandchildren object to your behavior, what do you say?
A) Aw, you know I don't mean it
B) I said What?
C) You'll miss it when I'm dead!

The devices used by those who cannot run in a marathon are called:
A) Hand cycles
B) Wheelchairs
C) Cripple Carts

I don't really need to give you the answers, do I?