Available to Hire: Half a Brain

Dear Random House Australia, Penguin House USA, and/or Sarah Crichton Books:
I am hereby offering my services as a doubter, skeptic, and all-round Mary Mary Quite Contrary to you for a reasonable salary and benefits package. I do not actually check facts--I don't have that kind of time or patience--but I am severely non-gullible. So what can I do for you? Basically here is how we'll work. If any of your editors uses any of the following adjectives about a manuscript:

amazing
heartbreaking
wrenching
astonishing
far-fetched
novelistic

You send me the MS. I read it and say "I'm not buying it." You are thus spared the embarassment of an expose, the expense of returns, and the ecological harm of pulping all those bound books.

Mt. Ivy Press, keep walking. You are too dumb even for me. Wolves?? I ask you.