Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Worst Party Ever: You Vote

Two Parties, both amazingly terrible, but so different. One where I was insanely uncool (or was i?) and the other where everyone else was insanely uncool (or were they?). Your choice!

Party One!

I am 13 years old. I have never been invited to a party that wasn't a birthday party. I have never thrown a party that wasn't a birthday party. I am Not Cool. I am Not Popular. Middle School is Kicking My Ass. And now, I am invited to Cara's party at her house. Possibly at the demand of her mother, who believes we are great friends, which we decidedly are not. Cara has made this a theme party. The theme is "The Sixties!" which is a popular theme, although obviously none of us has ever been near the actual sixties.
You may know that there are two types of "Sixties!" aesthetic. One is more or less accurate. It's what someone who had been there, might remember, and might dig from her closet for such a party. The other type is what young children imagine to be "Sixties!". Basically you dress and talk like Janice, the Muppet. Cara's party was clearly intended to be this latter, fun-time "Sixties!" One was not expected to show up as Lyndon Johnson, for instance. There is nothing fun about Lyndon Johnson for 13 year olds.
Alas, my parents were in high school in the actual sixties. So, when I asked for a costume, my mother pulled out something completely authentic but also completely wrong. It was really just jeans, an ugly shirt, and these tall lace-up leather boots. Unfortunately for me, the only thing about this that would have seemed like "Sixties!" to 13-year-olds was the boots...vaguely.
So I show up at this party...I can't remember if I am excited or nervous. At the door, Cara informs me that her mom doesn't allow shoes in the house. I have to take off the boots and now I am dressed 100% wrong. Perfect!
Everyone else has a perfect cartoon-sixties costume. Everyone else has friends. I spend the evening eating potato chips in the corner. At the end of the night Cara tells me she needs my help to clean up. Stupidly, I do.

Party Two!

I was not invited to Party Two directly. I am a date of the invited guest, OD. It is a birthday party for someone from her guitar classes. His name is Steve. Steve lives in an old house, where he rents a room from the owner, a really weird guy about 65 years old. To me it's weird for a 65 year old guy to have roommates in their twenties. Anyway we show up thinking it's kind of a party for grownups. We bring wine. The living room furniture has all been pushed to the edges of the room and covered in plastic sheeting, like the party is going to involve dancing, or possibly vomiting. All the food and drink has been confined to the kitchen, several rooms away in the back of the house. So picture a party with no place to sit, no snacks to mingle around, and no drinks allowed in the living room. ROCKING! Then the elderly roommate puts on the music. The elderly roommate has a hobby. That hobby is collecting records. Novelty records. What are novelty records? You know, Tiny Tim, Dr. Demento, things like that. That's the party music.
The other guests consist of two types: hobos, and Young Republicans. I am not sure which group we were supposed to be in. I'll say hobos. Anyway one of the hobos is a bearded fellow wearing two different shoes. Neither of which has any laces left. He barely speaks a word to anyone the whole time, and never removes his backpack. One of the Young Republicans gives us a campaign pen. Another has us sign his petition to get on the ballot. The elderly roommate tells racist jokes.
Besides "Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas", the entertainment includes the game Twister. It has been provided and spread out on the floor, but no one is playing. The hobo with the backpack takes a recorder from his backpack and begins to play, pausing to sing as well. Stunned, we soon make our excuses and run all the way home.


Voting is now open for the Worst Party!

8 comments:

Hashbrown said...

The first one because you could not leave it like the second.

Jenn said...

Wow, this is really hard. I think I have to vote for the second one because 13 year old girls don't realize how completely awful they are, but full-grown adults really should.

However, they are both obviously VERY terrible parties. Yikes.

Shirky said...

aw, I was going for funny, not yikes. nuts.

Clementine said...

The first party was funny, but the second party was yikes. There's nothing funny about that party--I was scared just reading about it. I have to vote for party #2 because of the fear factor.

Shirky said...

ah so. both were funny at the time; my retelling is off. will work on delivery/timing.

Hashbrown said...

perhaps we are just soo scared of republicans to find it funny. Being the child of two and sister to two, I have many unpleasent associations with republicans. I would not want to party with them. We once had a republican landlord who was campaigning for Mitt Romney. He would turn our heat down to the 50s and then go on vacations. We would be freezing and unable to adjust the heat. So, you see why clemy and I twitch at the thought of a group of republicans together at a party with plastic and wine. very scary.

Clementine said...

Hashbrown nailed it with our mutual Republican-phobia. Also, I must confess that I recently read a trashy crime novel in which a body was wrapped in plastic sheeting. Good to know: Fluids can leak from plastic sheeting. I hope your hosts heeded this advice.

ezfez said...

i vote for the first one, because of the suckitude factor. i mean, what an awful party. but the second one was really funny. (i guess i have no phobias about republicans or plastic sheeting, having lived most of my life happily spending as little time with either as possible.)