Tuesday, August 31, 2004

more hate

So most of what I do here is answer the phone. People who can barely drive a mouse, let alone double-click, call from all over the nation (and America Junior!) to lie. Big-time favorite claims: it worked before, I already tried that, it was broken when I got it.

One of the great advantages I have as a customer service worker is that I have zero loyalty to my company and no visibility within it. Since people don't know I exist, no one asks me for regular reports on customer satisfaction or how much of my valuable time I spend chatting with George in Florida about hurricane whoever. Basically, if you call me, I am as desperate as you are for human contact, and will happily spend 35 minutes walking you through instructions I could have emailed you in two seconds flat. Also, since I'm completely unaccountable, I totally send out replacement software to people who have used their original CD to prop up wobbly end tables. No charge! It shows how much I don't care!

Most people are pretty nice when they call. The profile for a jackass caller is midwest or western, male, who totally knows that every marketing scheme we've cooked up, or feature we've added to the software, is a huge business mistake and totally stupid. Take credit cards, for example. There is a set of people, wannabe consumers, who refuse to use credit cards. They call up and they demand that we accept, over the phone, their preferred form of currency, bat teeth or seashells or whatever the hell it is. I tell them sorry, we can only accept credit cards, and then they proceed to act like they represent a huge chunk of the consumer base for this software, and we're so insane for cutting them out, and they're going to post this on their favorite message board, and then the WHOLE INTERNET will know how STUPID we are and will SHUN US.

Right, like hippies living off the grid in teepees with their solar powered computers are really our target market, dude. Go shear a sheep.

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