ARGH THIS CAT IS KILLING ME

17 year old BAD CAT starts meowing at 5 AM. She sits in the hallway (OUT OF RANGE of shoes or squirt gun) and cries like a baby.
Dude, I have tried the water squirting thing. She never caught on.
I have tried ignoring. She can cry continuously for 2.5 hours.
I have tried getting up, picking her up, putting her under the covers of the bed, which confuses her but soon she escapes and is back in the hall, shouting.
I've tried getting up and giving her food and water. She is like, Stupid, That is NOT what I said.
I tried kicking her this morning, but she is fast and I am slow. Plus, that's just mean.
You know the only thing that makes her happy? If we both get up, get out of bed, shower, and get dressed. We come back and she is sleeping peacefully on the middle of the bed. She's all, "Thanks, Morons, for finally getting out of my bed."

She also howls a lot when we come home in the evening. The only thing that shuts her up is picking her up and carrying her around. Most cats hate that, right? This one only shuts up when you're holding her. If you put her down, she'll howl. Pick her up, she gives you a big hug. it's very cute but how the hell am I supposed to do make dinner? Do you think she would stay in a baby sling? I do NOT.