In the words of a famous New Jerseyan

WhooooaOH! We're halfway theeeeere! WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAOH! LIVIN ON A PRAYER!


heh.

Phrases that make your email sound xxxxtra bitchy

Collected from actual office emails (mostly)

"For your information"

"Fine."

"Do you even know how"

"Calm down"

"As I told you before"

"Am I to assume you will be doing this correctly?"

"Your mom is so ugly"


Yes, it's true, everyone I work with has suddenly become a huge asshole. So, I welcome Friday with xxxxtra love this week. Happy Diwali, yo.

World Land-Speed Record

It didn't take long.

We broke the car.

I don't know how, but I feel ridiculous. It's such a stupid thing, but pivotal to the function of the vehicle. Quite simply, we can't put gas in the fucker.

We don't drive much, and since purchasing it (the seller had kindly filled it with gas) we had never needed any. Last night it was finally getting low. So I toodled off to the neighborhood Sunoco. Drove up to the pump. Turned off the car. Yanked the thingy that opens the tiny gas door. And exited the vehicle to find--closed gas thingy. Huh? My usual method of problem solving (try the exact same thing over and over) failed me, and I had to get back in and drive away with no more gas than I had arrived with. The shame!

I tried to yank it open with a butter knife, to no avail. I stopped there (thinking of yesterday's chair cushion bonfire). Now I have to bring it to the fixit place. He said it will take three hours. That's three hours that I wouldn't have to spend, if I didn't have a stooopid car.

Car? You are not being my friend. What gives?

Add it to the list

The Answer:

The cat barfed on it.
So I tried to clean it up.
But could still detect a faint outline of cat puke.
So I washed it with soap and a scrub brush.
Then it was wet.
So I tried to dry it.
With the hair dryer.
Which set it on fire.

The Question:

What the fuck happened to the chair cushion?

The List:

Things I have made worse by "fixing" with very dubious "skills".

Other items on the List:

Roomba battery (attempted to save money by replacing cells myself; not realizing I don't know how to solder)
Kitchen switch controlling disposal and light (wanted to replace face plate only; could not find matching; thus had to replace entire electric box; now disposal works but not light, and the whole thing is a little crooked too.)
The refrigerator (too embarassing to discuss)

Harvest Loon

Call me a copycat but I have dreams like that all. the. time. So far, they have been almost entirely non-predictive.
Last week I dreamed:
--I was given a two-inch baby, which I stored in my mouth to keep warm.
--A blond woman handed me a baby and went to the "snack bar". I thought she would come back for the baby, but it turned out to be a robot, so she didn't.
--I was surrounded by dozens and dozens of children, none of them were mine.

Psychic score: 0
Weird score: One Million

Many, many moons ago...when our homestudy was being hastily finished, I had a dream that our kid would be born in October.

October's here. Prove me psychic, October! Except no two-inch babies please!