Tuesday, October 30, 2007

The Halloween Story

As alluded to last month.

Once upon a time many years ago, I was a dumbfuck college freshman. I was SO THRILLED to be independent and move away from home, but at the same time I must have been somewhat frightened because I regressed in a lot of ways. I had pictures of my cats! I ate a lot of candy, because my mom was so disapproving of candy. I even--oh god this is embarassing--started signing my name as first and middle, the combination of which is intensely childlike and thank heavens no one mocked me for too badly (I don't do it any more, my first name is babyish enough thank you very much).

I felt very much like a child set loose among adults. For example, the first time someone referred to one of my fellow freshmen as a "woman" I was completely confused and couldn't figure out who she was talking about. My poor roommate must have thought I was somehow mentally deficient, because she was vastly more mature than I and knew a lot of normal general information about the world that I did not. For example: how to dial long distance? Where the science building was? Where is the bus? People stay awake after 10 PM? Oh MAN I was a dumdum. Good thing it was a very protective and insulated college or else who knows.

I spent kind of a lot of time in the TV room (again...my mom disapproved of TV so I went overboard) when I wasn't busy, because I was not so awesome at making friends (luckily, in soviet russia, friends make YOU!) and because it was a good place to go that was dark and quiet and not as sensory overload as the rest of the place. One of those early weeks at school, I went down to try to find a TV playing the season premiere of "X files" because I was a giant nerd. That was like the second or so time that I had run into Octuplet Dazzle, and I was SO EXCITED that she liked my superlame show and from then on, we usually watched together.

So anyway, couple months later, Halloween is here, and you know there are a million cool-kid parties going on. I don't have to tell you that I was way too shy and nervous to go to any of them, and anyway had not received the secret memo about time and location. All I knew was there was free candy in the dining halls, and people were dressed up.

The one thing I felt I could attend was a scary-stories-performance in my own hall. The woman telling the stories was a sort of distant acquaintance, an upperclasswoman from my hometown who played tennis with my stepgrandmother.
So, I put on a 'costume' (I believe I glued plastic spiders all over my face. Not so much a costume as an effect, I guess) and wandered down to the living room where the stories were going on, and found Octuplet Dazzle there. (woohoo!) Now, I am a strictly rational type, I do not believe in any type of spooky ghosts despite my love of the x files. But Helen's stories were quite good and she set them in the actual dorm itself which made them almost scary, though far-fetched.

Anyway, when it was over and everyone had eaten all the available candy, most people, like my roommate, started getting ready to go out to their hot parties, but not lame-o me and not Octuplet Dazzle, but not because she was lame, probably because she was going to study or something (she smart).
At this point she prepared to do her normal disappearing act where she sneaks away when no one is looking. But I jumped in!
"Wow, wasn't that SCARY?" I said.
"Um, a little. I guess," she said, eyeing the exit.
"So FREAKY. With the bloody handprint on the window of the computer room? And the crazy woman locked to die in the fourth-floor corner room? And how the dining room used to be a cemetery? Aren't you scared?"
"Uh...a little. Maybe," thinking what the fuck is this dumdum on about?
"Man...I don't know if I'll be able to sleep! How about you? Won't you be SCARED all alone in your room? Just thinking about that bloody handprint and the screaming you can hear at the full moon. I think it's a full moon tonight!"
[note: for some reason OD had no roommate. The roommate dropped out, like, four days into school. OD denies responsibility, but she does snore on occasion]
"Yeah...I guess so."
"I would be SO SCARED to sleep alone tonight! Hey I know! You can sleep in my room!"

And she did folks, and that's the only story I have that is even sort of cute.

The end.

1 comment:

Clementine said...

That totally cracks me up.