after-math

1 self-removed diaper and logical conclusion of that incident
425 raisins consumed
18 dates consumed
249 cheerios ground into carpet
8293 styrofoam packing peanuts scattered
_____
=result of one mistimed nap and phone interview

"amuse yourself, kid," I said.
"we're, uh, rated highly by working mother magazine," she said.

yes, he takes special mischief lessons

Just now I attempted to distract my child by filling his highchair tray with raisins and cheerios, hoping for long enough to check my email [neglect rating:1]. glancing back from the screen to the child I find him standing in his seat, grinning and signing "sit".

"Sit down!" I say.

"NO!" he shouts.

I'm in for it.

more good things

1- I needed new 'interview' clothes (aka not Ill-Fitting Jeans(tm)) so I went to the special store for ladies of my size and damn, it is nice to try on clothes that don't make you feel like a mutant freak. Plus I think they have special look-good mirrors there. If I had money I'm sure I would buy a lotta clothes over there.
2- Sleeping in. Is awesome.
3- I feel like I'm accomplishing something just by attaching my resume and hitting 'send'

file under: blogs on blogs

some blogs rub me the wrong way. yet, I can't stop reading and imagining bitchy comments I would write if i were a [more] terrible person.

I've had comments deleted before on blogs, but it wasn't because they were mean. I was trying to be funny and I was *perceived* as mean, or so I figure. something about my delivery is way off.

also a friend of mine started a blog like last week and already has more comments than I have ever had in my life. therefore, she is winning the popularity contest. doesn't that just burn me up.

I can't link, because she doesn't read here. (I am much too embarrassed to tell some people about my blog. because of the swearing and because of the endless complaining I do. if you're reading already, it's too late to fool you. but i don't swear around everyone.)

but wtf, seriously, last week she was asking me what bloglines was and what 'hits' meant, this week, she's drowning in readers! what's that about? how the hell did you all find her? I can see you're all subscribed.

(actually I know she is more interesting than I am. i am just whining)

The Good Things About Being Caught in a Massive Layoff

-people are very sympathetic and tell you all about "the one time I got laid off,"
-gossip spreads: free networking with no awkward cold calling!
-everyone sends farewell emails addressed "To the best coworkers ever!", and you can pretend they meant you too
-quick way out of that pesky health insurance nonsense

ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no.

In answer to Christine's question: nope. unless you count the free boxes! they gave us to put our meager possessions into. Free boxes! woo!

nothing interesting happened...early meeting, quick announcement, awkward joking (I am putting that skill on my resume), and interminable waiting for our turn in the exit interview room. The end! or is it?

Well yes, I won't be back to linger or tie up any loose ends. Took all my stuff, said bye. Sent my pathetic draft of a resume to a resume service. Spent the rest of the afternoon on craigslist and bookbuilders. Keep an eye out folks.

and what does one wear to such an occasion?

I slept poorly, but not for the reason you think! It is because today is the layoff day. We're not sure whether Friday will be our last day? or if we'll have to take our stuff and go? I'm taking my backpack just in case. One would think that we would actually be asked to finish our projects. But on the other hand it would be bad business to have a bunch of short timers hanging around, all pissed off and glum. So it's anyone's guess, about the details. The Facts are that in just two hours I can stop worrying and start panicking!

Not On Hiatus--Just Lazy

I don't post, but it doesn't mean anything, except that I'm not creative. The death of a blog is a sad thing. Although karen of NO is back (as cheek), RIF is gone, finslippy (W!) is 'on a break', and croncast is running out its last 50 shows. Doesn't everyone inside the computer know they exist for my entertainment??
I'm flailing about trying to remember how people get jobs. Turns out they write these things? called resumes? and cover letters? I am so screwed.

ME EAT HOUSE.

This house is so cute I want to stomp on it like godzilla.
I don't know where he keeps anything but ISN'T IT THE CUTEST?



I love the position that a small home reduces my consumption. it helps me not feel terrible about having my familiy in baby condo (with no outdoor space period). When I go to peoples houses and they have...another bathroom...another story..playroom...parking...and a yard....oh I feel like a terrible failure. imagine raising a child without a backyard. MONSTROUS. So I focus on the smaller carbon footprint.
please don't tell me that a yard could actually decrease my resource usage or carbon output. I am a sensitive flower and will cry.

Ok, sounds good [you giant douchebag]

"...amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards..."
-Huckabee

Oh absoLUTEly, and WHY haven't we thought of this before?? I took the liberty of getting a head start!!



First order of business! New capital of USA is Mt. Olympus. It's the dwelling place of the gods!
Secondly, nine justices of the supreme court? Out! nine high priests of AHURA MAZDA? IN, BABY!!
Then, obviously, every fourth November will bring not a presidential election, but anointing of the god-king. THE MORE GODS, THE BETTER, RIGHT HUCKABEE??

minus one telephone

When the phone tree called tonight to tell OD that there is no school tomorrow, she was so excited she apparently hurled the telephone to the ground. Now the boy has one new toy, and we have one less phone. And no school! Totally worth it. I still have work. Maybe my new job should be in a school....yeah, that's the ticket...

Mmmmmm, Pizza

That murder pizza kid pled guilty for a short sentence. The end of a weird story. Don't drink and fight, kids! Also: if you are stabbed, call an ambulance, do not try to drive to a hospital. That's not a good plan.

it's peanut butter jelly time!

anyone read this?

i dunno, does it mean I can dispense with packing lunches and just send peanut butter smeared on a playing card?

even if it's all true--probably can't let anyone see me feeding a toddler nuts. Dr. Disapprobation From Other Mothers trumps all those germans!! ha!

so. cold.

today was cold enough to freeze my ipod. Also, and I don't know if this was related to the cold, the train shut its door on a woman's arm and when I tried to pry it open THE TRAIN BEGAN TO MOVE. Everyone started to scream and it stopped. The End. I think she was scared though. I would have been really, really pissed.

Mittens are great but sometimes I think I would like mittens made of hot lava, because I feel that is the only thing warm enough for my poor, constricted vessels.

We have a rental car for the week because we are finally getting the body damage fixed on little blue car. The rental car is pretty small and lame. Um, what else? We are finally getting a will next week. How embarassing we don't already have one. But now we will. Ha ha get it? It will be a relief. I am a worst-case-scenario person, after all. We also went to a financial planner. That was also a relief in its own way, though you Do Not Want To Know what college is going to cost in 2024. If you are interested in a financial planner, let me know. They are not just for people who swim laps in a pool of gold coins.

happy new year for the tired and lazy

Shut the door on a year that was good but which made me very, very tired.

I resolve to continue an excellent record of water conservation by continuing to never, ever, wash the car.

The boy--no longer a baby but a Real Boy--added a few adorable and some not adorable tricks to his bag.
He calls us 'mama' or sometimes 'nananananananananana'.
He started saying please.
He also started amazing shrieking when denied things.
His favorite food is Whatever You're Eating Right This Minute Give It To Me Now.
His Aunt gave him a toy cell phone for christmas...and...well....see for yourself.



Gee, do you think he likes it?
After I peeled it out of the fortress of packaging, he screeched, turned to the Aunt in question, and said fairly clearly, "Thank You!"

He's a really great guy like that, see.

He also got a New Year's Day hair trim. Don't hate us. It was getting really uneven. He looked like nothing so much as Dilbert's pointy haired boss on some occasions. Now he looks like a big boy. Which he is getting to be.

If you have a job opening for someone who has few real skills, but is very good at solving small problems, email me OK?