I think i'm nearly done

I got this for my sister:



baby's getting this

The BIL is getting These and these
plus some carbon offsets cuz that's how he rolls.

Someone's kid is getting an item close to this but I couldn't find an exact picture.

And for the yankee swap? I got this ridiculous object:


I very briefly hesitated to actually give it away because the kid decided it was his New Best Friend. But hello, who wants crap in their house, adored or not? It's gone, baby, gone.

Thanks to everyone who made suggestions.
Next year I am going on shutterfly and buying twenty calendars and calling it a day. Damn. I hate shopping.

Six Hour Tour

At Three PM on Thursday, OD left her work with the kid, bound for home--a ten mile trip.

At Six PM, she called me at home to say she was halfway.

At Seven PM, she called to say that she was in the same location she had previously called from.

At Seven-ten PM, I packed a bottle of milk, a cup of hot cocoa, the baby's snowsuit and boots, and four charcoal handwarmers in a backpack, and departed the house to play St. Bernard dog in the Alps.

At Seven-forty PM, I found them in Brookline, still stuck in traffic.

At Nine-ten PM, we arrived home and began digging a spot to put our car.

We tired, yo.

Uh, I know it's in central asia?

Something I ordered for someone accidentally got shipped to Uzbekistan. Uzbekistan! that is a JOKE COUNTRY.

Progress

Stayed up late on Amazon.com.
This is a dog toy for a dog owning relative.

On rec from caramama, for my grandfather:

This is for my dad. It is about the multiverse.

This is a funny book

Here is a book for Unkie Jer. You would be surprised at the selection in this category at amazon. He will find it funny but hopefully not useful.


This is for my mom but I am worried she already has it.


And then.. I want this for a friend's kid but...it is unavailable. Boo.



OD's mom gets this


tk:
outdoorsy brother in law
sister
hippie friend and her kid
sister in law

More and more and more

It has been a terrible horrible very bad no good weekend chez mclazy. Someone had a Very Bad Cold and we ended up in the ER, where it suddenly didn't seem as bad as it had at home, but still. Anyway it was just a cold but, you know, bad.

So the result is that my brain is completely fried. I left the keys hanging from the trunk of the car all night on Friday. My neighbors brought it in in the morning. Thank goodness it was too cold for car thieves to be out. Then we forgot to pay our condo dues. Embarrassing. Then OD locked herself out of the house while I was at the grocery store. Brilliant! We should probably be kept away from open flames until we regenerate some brain cells.

Caramama has kindly posted a few more suggestions:
1. humorous items at:despair.com
They are hysterical spoofs on the regular motivational stuff. SO funny! I'm thinking of getting the calendar!

2. Book: Legacy of Ashes, which is a behind the scenes look at the CIA.

3. there are these cool keychains that store and show digital pictures.

4. And the magazine subscription I'm getting my sis is Brain, Child

Many thanks for the suggestions. I am examining them all. Although I seriously thought this pudding would be more popular? Folks on the haircare Yahoo group are crazy for it. It's purple you know.

Hi Larious

I should really be choosing the yankee swap item from among the selections highlighed at
http://www.disturbingauctions.com/daily/

perhaps the older ladies in my office will not be amused, but I will laugh and laugh for days to see them unwrapping, say, this:

Or This:



oh man that would be awesome.

I still have pudding, there are now two pudding candidates, though one claims not to need the pudding. The game is afoot!

My sister is a vegan-punk-artist type. My father is a bit of the conspiracy theorist who enjoys reading about string theory, origins of the universe, and books by Richard Dawkins. My grandfather is a bit bourgeois and enjoys the latest hard to get item that will make him look cool to his fancy friends.

Continued

more suggestions, from thatmommy.

"Because we are unoriginal, we are doing the digital photo frame and an entertaining flash drive for my parents(a hippie van for dad, TBD for mom) and a new palm-held GPS and one of these for my partner's geocaching, gadget loving dad. There seem to be lots of USB gadgets around these days.

And because we are mean, boring parents, the kids are getting mostly useful stuff or outdoor toys.
So far, we've picked up a toddler toboggan, some sandbox toys, like this one: a new ride-on toy, an aqua-doodle, and some accessories to things the kids already have(more blocks, more Little People, dinky cars). Most were etoys.com purchases. I think the only things left that we intend to buy are a few DVDs, some new D0ra and Diego sippy cups and some books.

And princess pull-ups, by special request of the potty-trained toddler. (My kid is weird.)"

Building the Better Gift Catalogue.

Here are Clementine's excellent suggestions. They may not all suit my strange family, but I am linking them all for the greater good.

I don't need the pudding, but here are some possible gift ideas:

--A fluffy book possibility for your sister: Getting Over It by Anna Maxted. It's v. funny but also makes me cry. It's definitely chick-litish, though, so be careful if she hates that kind of crap. (Me? I love it. Total guilty pleasure.)

--I asked for a Be Good Tonyas CD--they're Canadian and sort of bluegrassy. Not cool, but lovely nonetheless.

--Have you checked out the wonder of Etsy? I'm forever drooling over stuff on there. There are gazillions of gorgeous handmade things on that site. Scarves, t-shirts, hair clips, bags, etc. Love it. I once had a link to the place in my sidebar before I broke the hell out of my template

--And speaking of handmade things, I like the store Magpie in Davis Sq. They're v. expensive, but I like them anyway (plus then I can visit that new cupcake store! I love their lemon good luck cupcakes).I want cupcakes now. NOW.

--I don't know about gadgets, though I do know Petunia swears by her Creative Zen MP3 player (I think that's what the cool kids call them, anyway).Ah yes. My dad has already used and destroyed one of these suckers. OD's is lost...possibly in the robbery but we couldn't remember. Hmmm.

--Hand-embroidered t-shirts are wicked easy and v. cheap, too. I use the Sublime Stitching patterns cuz I super suck at drawing, but if you can freehand it you'll be even better off. I did one for my best friend this year and I know she's going to pee when she sees it.hand....embroidered??? oh boy. in my other, more accomplished life, I hope. Good for you. Holy cats. hand embroidered.

--I've been stalking Nova Naturals' website for the baby; they have some wooden toys and Waldorf dolls for decent prices, and it's all natural/hippy/Fair Trade/organic crap there. True confession: I spent 2 hours on Friday night looking for a cheap but nice Waldorf doll for the E-meister. I finally bought one from the Nova Naturals' site; it was easily $10 cheaper than any other doll I saw.I don't know what a waldorf doll is, but there is some cute hippie shit on this site. I will be able to find something for my hippie friend's kid. brill.

--For anyone who can handle sugar: Anything from Burdicks Chocolates or Lake Champlain Chocolates. Harbor Sweets are great, too.Dude. you don't have to tell me about the harbor sweets. we ate up all of them the day after you brought them. Awesome.

--Most people I know love their Crocs, so those are always a good gift option in my family/circle of friends. my dad likes his too. he's like, why don't you have some? But I think I would be cold. I am always cold.

--Also, my new favorite gift: Magazine subscriptions! My favorite is Bust, but I'll pony up for mainstream pubs as well. It may be too early to get the kid a magazine. But I want to. My mom usually gives me Cook's Illustrated. OD usually gives me national geo. They have National Geo 'little kids'. It is full of ffff's.

--Other things I like: Making a donation in someone's name (I'm hoping to make a gift of honeybees to Heifer International for my brother and his fiancee); handmade scarves; homemade hot cocoa (I have a rad recipe--email me if you want it); gift cards to favorite stores (I'm finding that even indie shops have these now, as do online retailers like ReproDepot). So yes, last year we gave the bees to my mother in law and she was completely non-impressed. Next time she gets ACTUAL bees. In a dog's mouth and when he barks he shoots bees at you.

Okay. Those are v. generic gift ideas, but you didn't give us too many details. If you want to say more, I can (maybe) be more helpful.

Good luck!
Oh also, I need something VERY VERY STUPID and hilarious for that horrible, horrible game they make you play at work. Where everyone brings something crummy and you pass around and stuff? I want to bring something so astoundingly awful that it becomes awesome. A weeping clown on velvet. Dancing hamster thing. These hideous candles. One year someone brought a Successories poster and I laughed and laughed. Then I found out it was a non-ironic contribution and felt bad. But seriously? Those are jokes right?

Never Too Late

The pudding still going begging.

Long time reader(s) may recall that last year, we bailed on xmas and bought no gifts.
Now I'm out of practice, I have no idea what to get people. I don't even know what the cool kids are wearing these days. (I suspect they are not wearing ill fitting jeans decorated with spitup and hummus). what does my sister need? probably not a fistful of paperclips. but that's what she'll get if I have to do this alone. My mom will get all the socks that don't match up anymore.

I need help...even if you don't need puddin.

but it is a nice pudding for those with supa-curly hair. perhaps you could make it a gift for someone yourself.

Shopping Scavenger Hunt with PRIZE

I was shipped a very expensive product by mistake.
they are sending me my real item, but they do not want this one back.
Product here.
It is the 16 ounce bottle. Never opened! NIB!

It is not quite two hundred forty dollas worth of puddin', but it's a lot of pudding.

I don't need the pudding but I do need help shopping. So point me to the neatest coolest hardest to find items on the web today, and the pudding can be yours. Send as many 'entries' as you like. I am in the market for baby/toddler things, weird gadgets for my dad, really funny books, and any gadget or tool that makes my life easier (hint: i'm a disorganized slob).

With the amount of traffic I get here, odds of winning are greatly on your side. So go forth! and possess stupidly expensive hair product!

And sorry to the lady in Oklahoma who is missing her pudding. I am sure they will send you your proper items if you give them a call.

What, you're too good to be a member of a marginalized group now?

does this ever happen to anyone else? You call up or run into someone you've been out of touch with for a long time, and she looks really nervous to see you, and after beating around the bush for a while, finally she mumbles through her fist that she's living with her "boyfriend"??
I get the sense that people think I will shun them for not being gay anymore. Like what am I going to say? "Aw man, you used to be cool! What happened?"

I mean I might, but I might not.

Also, what the hell, aren't there any nice single ladies in LA?

happy birthday Mr. Man

here's what you do:
you sign more, milk, book, sing, thank you, apple...in your own way
you say more, dog, thank you, i love you, mama...in your own way
you desire spicy food, milk, yogurt, laptop, guitar, violin, dogs, cats, tricycle, vacuum cleaner, and hugs
you stack blocks, you knock them down, you pretend to read books, you bang your guitar like a mini Pete Townshend, you ride your trike but only backwards, you make car sounds and I didn't teach it to you, you laugh so hard you fall on the floor and bang your noggin and you keep on laughing, you wake mama up at midnight for no good reason, you play somewhat avant garde songs on the recorder, you let your cousin pick you up by the head just because you worship big kids.

you are the best kid that ever was
and we love you.

ha ha ha ha ha ha wheeze

Julie linked to this and I laughed so hard I had to go lie down, then I came back and finished reading it, and I sprained a rib.

oh dear.

I'm posting this late because I have something else to post in about twenty minutes.

Neeeeeeever mind

Oh hiiiiiii. How aaaaaare you? Oh your little todog is adoooooooorable. What? It's Godot? Oh what an interesting name. So, which of you is staying home with him? Oh you both have jobs? Oh that must be soooo harrrrd. Oh I could neeeeever do that. Oh, but you're doing great, really. Just great. So what does he like to do? Really? Play with cars? Oh how neat. Ginger is getting into writing music, isn't she, aren't you, Ginger? Oh Ginger, don't touch Todog's little car. No no, it's dirty, don't touch. Oh, I mean, you can never be too careful, you know? Oh I'm sure you're careful. But still you just never know. Ginger! come down from there! No, I know Todog is on the swings...but the swings are closed for us today. We don't want to get wet and dirty, do we? Oh, not that it's bad. It's just...you know. Oh yes she is very verbal. Oh, look at that, he's signing for milk, is he? How cute. Ginger, how do we say "Good Afternoon" in Czech? No, that's "Good Evening". So you must be happy now he's 12 months and sleeping through the night. Oh he isn't? Oh my, that's sooooo harrrd. Oh but just as long as you don't let him cry! You never let him cry do you? Oh I could neeeeeeever. No, Ginger sleeps really well. Well, it's all about being in tune with them, isn't it? Anticipating their neeeeeds. Ginger never cried, we had a really good emotional connection, you know? Well, maybe it's harder for you, because you didn't have the pregnancy to bond. Not that that's bad. I'm sure it's really great. But I could neeeeeeever.

"I don't know the real words!"

As sung by OD.

There was an old woman who swallowed a fly
I don't know why
she swallowed a fly
I hope she'll die


HA!!!

We interrupt the dumb stories hour....

...to bring you a gift shopping guide for someone who may have lost a finger in a log-splitting incident.

-finger puppets
-finger paint
-chinese finger trap
-little box with a hole cut out where you put your finger to scare someone
-fingerless gloves
-book about fingerspelling
-finger cots
-nail polish
-trip to finger lakes

The One Time My Sister Lost Her Bear, And I Found It, And Revealed The Finding At Great Personal Risk

My sister as a little child had this kind of ugly teddy bear she called "white bear" (we were creative. my item was called "yellow blanket". laaaame). I went to the elementary school, I was in the 3rd or 4th grade, so she would have been 3 or 4. She went to a preschool across the street, and both schools shared the playground. So one day she came home from preschool with no bear. No bear!! I think she kept my mother up all night. This was before ebay and no replacement bear could be found. It was a disaster. She didn't sleep for days.
Then one day I (through no fault of my own, obviously) ended up sitting writing lines or something in the principal's office. On the desk where I was working was a bear just like the missing one.
So there I was with a third grade dilemma. Do I go home and tell my mother that my principal has a bear in her office, and possibly knows where to buy them, thus revealing that I had been sent to the office?? or do I keep my mouth shut??
I told my mom. She went straight into the principal's office and begged to know where the bear had come from. Turned out, the bear had been found on the playground--it was the same dumb bear.
All I got for being sent to the principal's office was a tight-lipped "hmmmmmmmm" a la Marge Simpson.
The funny thing is my sister remembers it all differently. If you asked her she'd probably say I tore the stupid bear from her hands and hid it myself. All her memories are me as a complete bitch.

The One Time I Took The Wrong Train And It Was Really Cold Out

One time in the winter when it was about 5 degrees out, I accidentally got on the wrong train at Back Bay. The commuter rail is designed for commuters: people who do it every day and know what the hell they're doing. They understand which trains come when and where. Dumdums like me stand helplessly on the platform hoping that the train arriving at 4:52 is the 4:56 to Franklin and not the 4:47 to Needham. And we are always wrong. At some point during the ride, when I looked out the window and saw a very non-urban landscape flying by, I panicked, and got off at the next stop--not thinking that there was no real station building: just a place to stand and freeze. The next train in the other direction wouldn't come for like an hour. I called a taxi but forty-five minutes later, having lost six toes to frostbite, I figured they weren't really coming. I was very, very cold and sad. I may have mentioned before that I am a crybaby. So I cried.

And then a very nice woman let me sit in her truck to warm up. She was waiting for her husband. When he came, they gave me a ride to the next station. Wasn't that nice? What nice people. I am embarrassed that I cried though. But it was SO COLD.

The One Time My Parents Let Us Stay Home Alone On New Year's Eve

One time when I was 11, my parents--probably unable to find a sitter--said that I could stay home alone on New Year's Eve with my cousin (also 11) and my sister and her brother (both 7), while the adults went out. People used to do stuff like this, I really don't think it was considered that neglectful. Anyway, it was a cold night, with a beautiful cover of thick fresh snow on the ground. The four of us played outside in the snow, enjoying the lack of supervision and having a snowball fight. And then we did that stupid thing that kids in the snow do because they don't know any better, and started throwing snowballs at passing cars. What a bunch of brats, right? We mostly missed, but eventually one missile found its target...and the car screeched to a stop in the middle of the road.
oops.
The occupants of the car jumped out, and started throwing beer bottles at us. We shrieked and raced back into the house where we hid for the rest of the night.

It was an awesome New Year's Eve.

The One Time I Didn't Get To Go To The Second-Grade Ice Cream Sundae Party

One time in the second grade, my second grade teacher attempted to encourage everyone in the class to memorize their times tables by promising that everyone who passed the test would get an ice cream sundae party at the end of the year! Woo! The teacher's carrot method must have worked because 23 out of 24 seven year olds learned their math facts. And one day in June I had to listen to everyone sharing a laugh about how Jake had sprayed Brie with whipped cream from a can! Hilarious!!! I have never felt so left out in my life.

I do know my times tables now. I believe someone owes me a sundae. AND MY PRIDE.